Empire of Dirt
by Melizzy511
Summary: It's been years, since they were together, can they find their way back? And more importantly, can any foundation survive an empire of dirt?
1. Chapter 1

TITLE: Empire of Dirt  
>PAIRING: AO (what else?)  
>SUMMARY: It's been years, since they were together, can they find their way back? And more importantly, can any foundation survive an empire of dirt?<p>

Alex Cabot pinched the bridge of her nose and for the hundredth time she looked at her desk calendar. The date had not, surprisingly, changed. It was the anniversary of her death and while she'd just as soon forget the day had ever happened, the media wouldn't allow it; hadn't allowed it for the last five years.

She let out a bitter laugh as she considered what a double edge sword that event had been; on the one hand it had cost her everything she'd ever held dear in her life and on the other it had given her everything she'd ever though she could want.

The day had gone much like every one of the last five; the obligatory media release, a public appearance so there would be news footage to show that night and the endless coverage on the cable news networks. She'd opted to skip out on a planned dinner, wishing to stay holed up in her office instead of being gawked at in a restaurant with her dinner companion and security detail by her side.

She was torn from her reverie by a knock on her office door.

"Come in." She looked up to see her trusted assistant Mason standing in the doorway.

"Governor?"

"Yes Mason?"

"The package is waiting for you in it's usual spot."

Alex barely managed to suppress a smirk at Mason's businesslike manner.

"Thank you Mason."

When the older man did not move, Alex looked back up and caught her eye. The raised brow asked the unspoken question.

"Do I need to work late this evening Governor Cabot?"

"I think we're well past the hour of working late Mason, but if you wouldn't mind staying, this shouldn't take long." Alex ignored the almost imperceptible flinch of her assistant and stood up, making her way out of the office.

Mason was discrete enough not to follow Alex into the private living quarters of the Governor's mansion, but she stayed close enough to stop anyone who might happen to wander into the wrong place at the wrong time. He took a seat in the sitting room at the top of the steps and busied himself reading a magazine.

Alex hurried into her bedroom and changed into a camisole. After running a brush through her hair, she slipped down the hallway and into the spare room. She was glad the lights were out and she was only caught slightly off guard when two strong hands grabbed her and then pulled her back against them. She turned and ran her hands up and down over familiar leather. She allowed herself to relax into the embrace briefly before pulling the short, dark hair to her.

"Alex…"

"Shh. Just fuck me." She ran her hands to the front of her lover's pants. "Are you…"

"Yes. That's what you asked for."

Alex stepped backwards and settled on the bed, watching her lover undress in the darkness. Even in the shadows the strength and leanness of the body couldn't be missed and she readily accepted the weight of her lover on top of her.

After several long minutes of kissing, touching and caressing, her lover made an almost fatal mistake; she moved down Alex's body and tried to settle her face between the blonde's legs. Alex squeeze her legs together, drawing a yelp from the dark head.

In a stern voice, Alex admonished, "You know the rules."

"I just thought that today being today and all…"

"You aren't here to think." Realizing how that sounded, she tried to soften her words. "I appreciate the thought, but I know what I want and how I want it." She ran her hands through the soft, brown hair. "I do like your haircut though." She pulled on the woman until they were face to face and she kissed her long and hard.

After several more long moments, the brunette pushed into Alex in one long, fluid stroke. She allowed her time to adjust to the new size.

"Are you ok?"

Alex heard the concern in her voice and squelched her desire to rebel against it, opting instead for a simple nod.

"It's not too big…"

"Shut up and fuck me. Please."

A short while later, Alex clinched around the dildo and let out a long, low moan. Barely recovered, she slipped her hand down between the harness and body of her lover, Finding the wet, swollen nub, she stroked long and hard, quickly bringing her lover over the edge with force.

She held the other woman to her and allowed her time to recover before turning them so that they were each on their backs, looking up at the ceiling.

"How's the new job going?"

"It's good, I like it. Thank you for helping with that."

"You were more than qualified, you just needed the right introduction." Alex grasped her lover's hand and held it. "When do classes start?"

"Two weeks."

"Ok, just make sure you give Mason a copy of your schedule."

"Oh joy. I know what he must think of me."

"Nonsense! Mason is nothing if not respectful."

"Says you. You aren't the one who gets snuck in and out like a thief in the night!"

Alex leaned over and kissed her lover. "Speaking of which, I asked him to wait tonight."

Sighing, her lover rolled out of bed and began to dress. "Tomorrow's Saturday Alex…couldn't I stay just this once?"

Alex's voice had a warning tone. "Morgan, you know…"

"Yeah, I know. That's not what you pay me for. I know my role."

"Morgan! You make it sound like…like…"

"Like I'm a paid stud? That I come and go at your whim, like a kept woman? That I fuck you, always with a dildo or my fingers, never my mouth because…."

"Morgan!" Alex was now out of bed, and angry. "You know the rules. You've known them from the beginning. They aren't about to change now."

Morgan hung her head. "I know Alex. I just worry about you. You've become more…withdrawn the last couple of months." She walked over to her lover and kissed her on the forehead. "I'll see you next week, ok?"

She watched her lover slip out the door and when she was sure she was gone, she quickly made her way to her bedroom, where she shut the door and allowed her tears that had been threatening to fall all day, fall.

XXXXXXXXXX  
>Earlier that Night<br>New Jersey

Capt. Olivia Benson nervously knocked on the door of the house, half hoping, half fearing it's occupant would be home. She was just about to leave when the door opened.

"Olivia."

"Julia…I…."

The dark haired woman stepped aside and waved Olivia inside.

"I've been expecting you."

"Oh?"

"I know what today is Olivia and I also know you aren't going to get what you need from Rebecca. She wants more than you're able to give her." She shut the door behind her guest and reached for her jacket. "I on the other hand want nothing more than what you are offering."

She pulled an all to willing Olivia to her in a bruising kiss.

"Fuck me Captain."

XXXXXXXX  
>Later that night<p>

Olivia Benson woke with a start from a fitful sleep. Unsure of what had awakened her and unaccustomed to being in a strange place, she stilled her breathing and listened for any sound. She was just about to get out of bed and go check the house when an arm draped itself across her middle.

"There's nothing out there Olivia."

Olivia glanced over her shoulder. "Sorry I woke you. I just…something must have woken me up."

"You know very well what woke you Olivia." She pressed her naked body more firmly against Olivia's back. "Why don't you just call her?"

Olivia moved quickly, flipping Julia beneath her.

"Why don't I just fuck you instead?"

Julia grinned. "Well, it is awfully late to call."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Dawn the next morning in….

Albany

Alex was awake in time to see the sun come up. Truth be told, she hadn't ever really gone to sleep the night before. Easing out of bed, she slipped into her robe and made her way down the hall to the spare bedroom she'd been in the night before with Morgan. She knew she'd find no trace of their activities; it was after all what Mason had waited around for, but she needed to feel connected to something. The man routinely took the sheets to his home to wash so the housekeeping staff would never suspect what went on after hours.

After her divorce from Robert amid a scandal, Alex had been able to safely skirt the dating issue by citing her fear of being betrayed again, but she knew that argument only had a limited shelf life, and the expiration date was fast approaching. So was her bid for re-election.

Going back to her room, she took out a favorite and well-worn book. Somewhere in the middle, there was a photograph of Olivia and her at a trial from years ago. This photo was her guilty pleasure. She held it and wondered what Olivia was doing. More precisely, who Olivia was doing. Deciding not to dwell on that, she trudged into the shower, intent on starting her day. She had planned on going to her mother's grave later that morning.

New York City

After their last session of sex, Olivia had waited for Julia to fall asleep and then she'd quietly slid out of bed and made her way home just as the sun was coming up. She'd logged onto her computer and checked her email, not surprised to find an email from Rebecca. It was essentially a Dear John letter and Olivia was secretly relieved the relationship was over.

She picked up yesterday's paper and re-read the story they'd done on Alex and all she had accomplished since her return from the dead. The article even mentioned that she might be a Senate candidate or a Vice Presidential nominee at some point. Many had been surprised to learn her party of choice was Democratic, but then most people didn't know Alex preferred the Sapphic arts to getting boned nine times out of ten.

Olivia's stomach turned as she read the inevitable mention of Robert and his betrayal of Alex. While she had mixed feelings about Alex, her feelings toward Robert Shelton were nothing if decisive; he was a bastard.

Putting the paper down, Olivia decided to catch a few more hours of shuteye. She unplugged her phone and turned her cell off before collapsing into bed.

It seemed as if her head had just hit the pillow when the banging on her door started. In reality, it was roughly four hours later as she pulled herself from the bed and stumbled to the door.

"Hold your horses! I'm coming." Mumbling to herself, she threw the door open without looking out the peephole. "Elliot?" The grim face of her former partner was replaced by the irritated face Agent Hammond. Olivia's blood ran cold. "What's happened to Alex?"


	2. Chapter 2

Hammond was the first to speak. "Capt. Benson, there was an attempt on Gov. Cabot's life this morning. She was visiting her mother's grave when someone took a shot at her."

Olivia felt fear gripping her chest. Images of another shooting took over and she tightened her hold on the door knob, finally stepping aside and waving the two men in.

"Is she…was she…?"

Hammond shook his head. "The bullet grazed her arm, her right arm. She went to the hospital as a precaution, but it's nothing more than a superficial wound."

Olivia felt the blood begin to flow thorough her veins again and nodded. "Where was her security detail?"

Both men refused to look at her and she knew whatever was about to be said, wouldn't sit well with her. Hammond sighed.

"They were there and oddly unscathed. One covered the governor's body to shield it from any further danger and the other two went in pursuit of the gun man."

"Ok. So why are you here? I mean, she's the governor and ever since she blocked legislation that would define marriage as a union between a man and a woman, she's had threats. It could have been any crack pot with a beef against gays."

Elliot glanced at Hammond and raised an eye brow. "Liv…they think they know who it is. Emiliano Velez."

"Velez? As in Ceasar?"

Hammond spoke now. "His son. He was 10 when the first hit was put out on Alex and 14 when his father was killed by the DEA. He has long had a grudge against this country for the death of his father and against Alex in particular. He thinks her involvement in the Sandoval case and subsequent death of Agent Donovan made the DEA even more determined to hunt his father down."

Olivia grew angry. "You said it was safe for her to come back! You said there was no threat from anyone connected to Velez!"

Hammond looked uncomfortable. "At the time there wasn't. We weren't even aware Velez had a secret love child until recently. It seems he has risen to power within the drug cartel. He staged a coup two months ago and re-organized with sympathizers from his father's old group."

"You're telling me a 19 year old kid is running one of the largest drug cartels in South America ?" Hammond nodded. "Just when were you going to tell Alex? Before or after she was declared dead for a second time?"

"Governor Cabot was apprised of the situation this morning."

"After the attempt no doubt." Hammond looked sheepish and Olivia swore. "Ok, so Alex knows, that still doesn't explain why both of you are here on a Saturday morning? Surely the governor of the state of New York has a competent security detail?"

"Don't count on it Liv." Something about the way Elliot had said that made the hairs on Olivia's neck stand-up.

"What? What are you not telling me?"

"Capt. Benson, we believe Velez may have gotten to someone inside the governor's office, security detail." He shrugged. "Alex's trip to the cemetery wasn't a planned event. Only a handful of people knew."

Olivia shrugged. "So, pull them all in, do a background check, you know the usual drill."

"And then what Liv? Say they do figure out who it is. Velez will just find another patsy. We need to put somebody on the inside. Somebody we can trust until we see where this is going."

"We?"

Elliot shrugged. "The NYPD Domestic Terrorism Task Force has been called in on this."

"Why?"

"Because of Captain Stabler's history with Alex. Besides, do you really want somebody from the Albany force handling this?" Hammond was well aware of the history between Alex and Olivia. At first he'd assumed she was messing around with Stabler all thos years ago, but after seeing the two women together that night, he'd known who Alex really wanted to see and it wasn't the hot headed Irishman. He was counting on Olivia's sense of duty and personal connection to work in his favor.

Olivia hung her head in defeat. "Let me guess, undercover in the Governor's security detail?"

Elliot squirmed. "A little closer Liv."

"How much closer?"

Hammond stepped in. "Personal body guard to the governor."

"No. Absolutely not."

Elliot stepped into her personal space and guided her away from Hammond .

"Liv, I know this is asking a lot, but think about it."

Her anger flared. "I am!"

"Liv, the past is the past. Do you really trust anybody to keep Alex safe like you would?"

"That's a low blow Elliot." She closed her eyes. "Does Alex know?"

Hammond answered the question. "Yes, the governor has been made aware that a personal body guard is being deployed and yes, she is aware that our first pick is you."

"And she's ok with that?"

Both men sort of shrugged. "More or less Captain Benson." At her scowl Hammond elaborated. "She knows she must have a body guard and her resistance to the idea dimmed a bit when informed that we were going to ask you."

Elliot pushed Hammond out of the way. "Liv, her exact words were 'If I must have one, then the only person I would trust with my life is Capt. Benson.'"

"Let me go shower and pack a bag. Elliot, make a pot of coffee."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Governor's Mansion

Alex was in the strategy room at the mansion, surrounded by agents from just about every alphabet agency from the feds to the state and local. She was tired, her arm hurt and she was, if she admitted it, a bit scared. All of her previous fears had resurfaced and she realized she hadn't felt this way since her first shooting. She almost laughed at the absurdity of her thought; first shooting. Like any normal person would have a first, let alone second shooting.

The buzz in the room was a low hum and the opening and closing of the door barely registered until she felt eyes on her. She looked up and into the face of Olivia Benson. She faltered before managing to nod in acknowledgement.

Hammond muscled his way to the front of the group and ordered everybody out except a select few. He watched the eye exchange between the two women and wondered if he had in deed made the right decision concerning Cabot's safety. As he continued to watch each woman look away, he noted that each let the mask of stoic disinterest slip just for a moment and that the look of pain each had confirmed his decision as the right one. Whatever had happened between them, it was obvious there was still some unfinished business between them and he knew that would drive Olivia Benson to protect her old lover at any cost. And that was exactly what the blonde needed.

Olivia went immediately into professional mode.

"Governor." She slid a note pad over toward Alex. "Please write down any person or persons you are currently involved with that may become a target in an effort to get to you."

Alex shook her head. "Aside from my brother and sister, there isn't anyone."

Mason was standing next to her and started to speak but hesitated. Olivia caught it and questioned him.

"Mason, what is it?"

Nobody questioned how Olivia knew who he was.

Mason looked at Alex nervously. "Governor Cabot, perhaps you should tell them." He became uncomfortable as he looked between Alex and Olivia.

Alex shifted ever so slightly and picking up the pen she scribbled down the name of her kept lover, Morgan Keller. She shoved the pad back at Olivia.

Olivia bit the inside of her jaw. She wasn't stupid enough to think Alex had been celibate since they'd parted three years ago; God knew she hadn't been, but still, to see a name shook her.

"Intimate?" Alex nodded, not making eye contact with Olivia. "Where can I find him?" Olivia put a tad too much emphasis on the word him.

Alex pinned her with a look. "Her. Everybody in this room knows about my preferences Olivia. Mason, will you please get Morgan's contact information for Olivia."

"Captain Benson."

Alex rolled her eyes. "Excuse me, Captain Benson."

Mason glanced between the two women and nodded, grateful to have a reason to leave the room.

Next it was Hammond 's turn to direct traffic.

"Governor, Captain Benson will fill you in on the details as they pertain to your new daily routine. Capt. Stabler and I are going to secure the perimeter. A news conference has been scheduled in two hours. The captain will fill you in on the cover story."

He and Elliot left the room, also grateful for a reason to be out of the tension filled atmosphere. Once they were gone, Olivia took a seat next to Alex at the large conference table. Olivia studied the note pad and began to doodle as she talked to Alex.

"I am sorry this has happened again Alex."

"Thank you. Just make sure my brother and sister are safe, please?"

"And Morgan of course."

"Yes…Morgan."

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "Where does she live Alex? What kind of place? I need to know so I can test the safety and vulnerability of her home."

Alex colored. "I'm ashamed to say I don't know where she lives."

Olivia raised her eyebrows. "You don't know? Alex, I need you to be honest with me about this. I get it; you're fucking her, involved or whatever. Fine. I have a job to do and part of that job is keeping you and your…loved ones, safe."

Alex stood. "No Olivia, you don't get it. Mason will give you her contact details. Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to lie down for a bit before the press conference." She glanced back at Olivia. "Assuming that's ok with you?" Not waiting on an answer she left the room.

Mason passed her on his way back in and looked between both women.

"Olivia…sorry, Captain Benson, here you go."

Olivia smiled at the man who had been at Alex's side since her brief stint as the state's attorney general before getting elected governor.

"Call me Olivia, Mason. I think we've been through enough to be on a first name basis."

He sniffed at her. "So have you and the Governor, but you insisted she call you captain."

"Self preservation Mason. I have no intentions of getting hurt again." She glanced down at the piece of paper he had handed her. "Besides, I'm fairly certain she's moved on with ol' Morgan here." She remembered that Alex claimed to not know where her lover lived. "Mason, why doesn't Alex know where this woman lives?"

Mason's face gave nothing away. "I am going to give you some time to figure that one out…Det. Benson." He had emphasized Olivia's old title.

"Mason!"

"If you'll recall Olivia, I do not betray confidences." Under his breath he added, "Even when I probably should."

Olivia was already busy relaying the information to Elliot and didn't catch what Mason had said. After hanging up the phone, she did a walk through of the mansion and grounds with Hammond .

After both men had left, Olivia took her bag and headed up the stairs to Alex's room. She knocked on the door and waited for Alex to answer. The blonde finally opened the door, wiping sleep from her eyes.

"O…Capt. Benson. What do you need?"

Olivia pushed past her into the room.

"I need to check you room and then get settled."

"Get settled? In here?"

"Relax Alex, I'm not here to sleep with you. Besides, it appears your bed is already filled. It's my understanding there is an adjoining room, which is where I'll be sleeping."

"No!"

"Alex?" Olivia was already at the door and Alex grabbed at her.

"Stop. Don't you dare open that door."

Olivia nodded. "I get it. I understand. It's your love nest."

She turned and walked out of Alex's room and made her way down the hall. Unknowingly she stopped at the door of the room Alex and Morgan had shared the night before. She went inside and started putting her stuff away. Alex grimaced when she realized which room Olivia had picked.

Shaking her head, she decided to just live with the fact that her old lover was now sleeping in the room she used with her current lover. She decided to just get ready for her press conference and worry about all the little details later.


	3. Chapter 3

Olivia stood just off stage as Alex gave her press conference, her eyes continually scanning the press corps for anything out of the ordinary. Finally her eyes settled back on Alex and she took a moment to look at her old lover. For someone who'd just been shot at a few hours ago, she looked remarkably well. Except for the dark circles under her eyes that only those who knew her, intimately knew her, would see. Realizing what she'd just thought, her mind went to the mysterious and as yet unseen Morgan Keller. She wondered if she'd notice that Alex had bags under her eyes. Deciding that was pointless, she shifted her focus back to the press conference.

The state police chief was answering questions about the attempt on Alex's life. It had been decided to be as vague as possible and still pacify the press so they didn't go digging around. They were going to let the public believe as Olivia had, that this was a lone crack pot with a beef against Alex for not backing the marriage amendment. The exact details were not being shared even with Alex's security detail. Hammond had interceded under the guise of doing a courtesy investigation.

Alex had plastered on a smile and reassured the fine people of the great state of New York that she was alright. She didn't take any questions and waved at the press corps as she made her way off stage. As soon as she was out of sight her face fell and Olivia knew her well enough to know she was shaken by the days events.

Alex was descended upon by staffers and winced as one jostled her arm. The blonde began looking around, seemingly for a way out and her eyes locked with Olivia's. She quickly looked away, unsure if the brunette would help her. Olivia felt a stab at Alex's reaction to her, for not having faith in her to do her job.

"Governor Cabot?"

Alex looked around and her eyes said thank you as Olivia reached into the crowd and took her by the unhurt arm and gently pulled her away from the group. Several staffers felt disrespected and tried to reach for Alex. Mason stepped in, coming from out of nowhere and blocked their path.

"The Governor has private business to attend to." All clamoring for Alex's attention immediately stopped and they were able to make it back to Alex's office undisturbed.

"Thank you. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed back there." She sat down at her desk and Olivia remained standing.

"Why'd you look away Alex?"

She took her glasses off and rubbed her eyes. "I wasn't sure you'd realize I needed help." She put her glasses back on and simply stared at the brunette.

"It's my job to know Alex." She saw Alex flinch and retreated just a tad. "And even if it wasn't, I'd still know because I know you."

Alex nodded and returned to her paperwork.

"What do you normally do on Saturday's Alex?"

"What?"

"I need to know your schedule Alex so we can prepare for any and every possibility. I'm not asking to be social."

Alex slid her day planner across the desk to Olivia.

"This is what I do on most Saturdays. Running a state takes a lot of work."

"I'm sure it does." She flipped through the planner and realized that every day of Alex's life for the next month was planned out. She also noticed that the initials B.C.M.K. repeatedly appeared throughout the calendar. It was never on the same day, but always at night and even on the days Alex was scheduled to be out of town for an overnight trip. There was a line running through those dates, but not the others. She also noticed there seemed to be a pattern of once a week visits three weeks in a row and then one week off.

Realizing what she was looking at she swore. "Good God Alex! You pencil in your dates with Morgan?"

Alex didn't answer her at first, but then went with, "I'm a busy woman. Mason takes care of my calendar for me."

Olivia scowled. "What does the B.C. stand for? And why do you miss a week every month?"

"And they made you a captain?" She shook her head.

They were interrupted by Mason knocking on the door. As he entered, he looked quickly between both women and handed Alex a piece of paper. He stood by her side while she read it, waiting to see what her response would be.

Alex closed her eyes again and wished she could just disappear. She scribbled something on the paper and handed it back to Mason. "No. And please do as the paper says."

"Governor…"

"Not open for discussion Mason." She stacked her papers and stood up. "If you'll both excuse me, I am going upstairs and taking a nice long soak in the tub." She pinned them both with a look. "And I do not want to be disturbed."

Both Olivia and Mason watched her leave the room and then looked at each other. Olivia reached for the paper in Mason's hand and glared at him when he moved it out of reach.

"Mason, I need to see that."

"No you don't."

"I'm trying to keep her safe Mason. That might be important." She snatched it out of his hand and read what it said.

'Will you accept delivery of a package?'

Beneath the question was Alex's familiar scrawl:

'12 OL'

"What the Hell is this? If Alex is getting request for a package, I damn sure need to know about it! It just might contain a bomb!"

Mason barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Not likely."

Olivia stood up and tried her best to stare down the man who was a good 4 inches taller than she was.

"Mason, I get that you are loyal, to a fault, to Alex, but I'm trying to keep her alive here! Now spill it!"

"The package is none other than Miss Morgan Keller. She contacts the governor through me and after what happened this morning she wanted to see Governor Cabot. As you heard, Governor Cabot has refused delivery."  
>Olivia was at a loss for words. She could understand wanting to see the woman you were involved with, ok, loved, after something like this had happened, but Alex's attitude baffled her.<p>

"Do you think it's because I'm here?"

"You would have to ask the governor about that Olivia. I wouldn't know."

Olivia looked skeptical but let it slide. "What's the 12 OL stand for?"

Mason shifted from foot to foot. "Twelve orange lilies. They are Miss Keller's favorite flowers." He hoped Olivia would just let it go at that. When she picked up Alex's day planner he thought the subject was closed, but Olivia had other ideas.

"Alex says you keep her calendar?" He nodded. "I've already figured out that the M.K. stands for Morgan Keller, but what does the B.C. stand for? And why is there always a week during the month that Alex doesn't see her?"

Now Mason did roll his eyes. "Olivia, are you a woman of child bearing age?" Looking at her he rephrased the question. "Excuse me. Have you ever been a woman of child bearing age?"

"Yes." Realization dawned on her and she dropped the planner. "Ok, that's gross. The fact that you know when she gets her period…ick!"

"I know everything there is to know about the governor."

"So what's the B.C. stand for? I know it's not birth control…is it? I mean, this Morgan Keller isn't transitioning from male to female is she?"

"And they made you a captain." He shook his head. "A weekly delivery every week but the week of her cycle? What on Earth do you think happens during delivery of the package that would preclude delivery the week of her cycle?"

He turned and left the office, leaving Olivia to figure it out for herself. She sat down at Alex's desk and started making notes and going through things in her mind.

"Ok, so obviously they have sex. Alex doesn't like to do anything sexual during her period so they don't have sex that week. But why wouldn't Alex want to see her girlfriend even if they weren't having sex?" Olivia shook her head and decided to just go ask Alex herself.

She let herself into Alex's room and took a seat in the wingback chair, still making notes and flipping through the book. On a whim she turned to Christmas day from the previous year and thought it odd that there was no B.C.M.K. penciled in. Another quick check and she realized it was not Alex's cycle week. She did however find a notation for the 22nd of December.

Both women were so engrossed in what they were doing, neither realized the other was even in the room. Alex dropped her silk robe and was trying to find a pair of undergarments to wear as Olivia finally realized she was in the room and cleared her throat. Alex froze and thinking it might be Emiliano Velez or someone wishing her harm, she straightened up.

"If you've come to kill me, you should know I'm not going without a fight."

Olivia stood up and finally found her voice. "It's me Alex. It's Olivia."

Alex's relief was quickly replaced by anger. "What the hell are you doing in here? I told you I didn't want to be disturbed!" She quickly picked up her robe and tried to put it on, but not before Olivia caught a glimpse of her breast.  
>"I'm sorry Alex. I didn't mean to scare you. I should have thought before just coming in."<p>

Pulling her robe tightly against herself, Alex turned to face the brunette. "Yes, you should have. Now what do you want?"

"I want to know about your relationship with Morgan Keller." She thrust the planner at Alex. "I want to know why you don't see her the week of your period? Why you didn't see her on Christmas day? And I want to know what B.C. stands for."

"There's no reason to see her the week of my cycle. B.C. is an inside joke between us and not that it's any of your business, but I spent Christmas with my family." Alex shrugged. "Is that all?"

"No. Listen, I know she wants to see you tonight and I can't blame her. You could have died today Alex." She took a deep breath and finished with, "If the reason you aren't going to see her is because I'm here, well, don't worry about me."

Alex laughed. "You think I'm not seeing her to spare your feelings? Oh please. Get over yourself Olivia. I'm not seeing her because I don't want to see her. I've had a pretty awful day and I really just want to be left alone, ok?" She walked over to the door and opened it.

Olivia took the hint and left the room. She went back to her own room just long enough to call Elliot and see what he had found on Morgan Keller. She grabbed her jacket and left the governor's mansion, heading toward the home of Morgan Keller.

By the time she arrived, Elliot had told her that Morgan Keller was 26 years old, never married, not that that was a surprise, from a two parent home and had an under grad degree in computer science. Until just over a year ago she'd worked as a technical operations crewmember for an entertainment promotions company out of New Jersey. She'd then moved to Albany and until two weeks ago she'd been freelancing for a local promotions company. She'd recently started working for the state's museum of natural history in their special effects department.

She hung-up with Elliot and pulled into the parking lot of the younger woman's apartment complex. She did a visual scan of the area and then took the long way to Morgan's front door. She knocked and upon hearing movement in the apartment, she had her badge ready.

"Morgan Keller, I'm…." Olivia stopped mid-sentence as she caught her first look at Morgan Keller.

"Olivia Benson. Your Alex's old flame." 


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia was speechless as she stared at what could have been a younger version of herself. In fact, the woman before her had a haircut similar to the one she had when she first met Alex. They both had dark skin, brown eyes and chestnut hair. They were almost the same height and build. Olivia finally snapped out of it.

"Uh, yes, I am. I'm also Capt. Benson with the NYPD Special Victims Unit."

"Is she ok? Has something else happened or was she hurt worse than the news reported?"

Olivia looked around and motioned to see if she could enter the house. Morgan nodded and stepped aside to let her in. She led her to the couch and motioned for her to sit down.

"You haven't spoken to her?"

Morgan looked embarrassed and shook her head. "We don't work that way."

Olivia frowned. "What way?"

"We don't really talk on the phone. I communicate with her through her assistant."

"Mason."

"Yeah. You haven't answered my question. Is she really ok?"

"She is. It was just a superficial wound."

Relief washed over the other woman's face. "Good. But why are you here? If she's ok, why are you here in Albany ?" Her face drained of color. "Did…did she call you to come?"

Olivia felt sorry for this younger version of herself. It was obvious the woman cared deeply for Alex, but Olivia wasn't sure Alex shared those feelings.

"Because of what happened with Alex al those years ago and my professional involvement with her, we've been asked by the state to handle the investigation. Part of that requires us to look in on all the people in Alex's life."

Morgan snorted. "I wouldn't really say I'm part of her life."

Olivia shrugged. "You're involved with her." She swallowed hard. "You are…intimate with her. I'd say that makes you a part of her life."

"Having sex doesn't really mean you are intimate with someone." She studied Olivia. "I got my hair cut to match your style in the photo."

"Photo?"

Morgan smiled a sad smile. "She thinks I don't know about it, but in the room across the hall from where she sleeps, the room where we…do what we do, she has some of her old books. I was flipping through it one night while I waited for her and I saw it. It looks like you guys are at the courthouse and you are standing next to her. She's smiling at you and you just have the most intense look on your face as you look back at her." She rolled her shoulder. "I just thought she might like it and I was right."

Olivia's mind was trying to process what she'd just heard. "The room across from Alex's? You don't…you're not…intimate with her in her own bedroom?"

Once again embarrassed, Morgan shook her head.

"It's her private world. I don't push her boundaries." In a soft voice she continued, "I don't even spend the night; not unless she's traveling. It should be perfect for me, but…."

Olivia finished for her. "It's not. It started out fun and light but somewhere along the way you realized you'd fallen for her. By then it was too late; you were in too deep. That about sum it up?"

Morgan chuckled. "It seems our looks aren't the only thing we share. There is one major difference though." Olivia raised an eyebrow. "She loves you. I'm just a substitute. A kept woman."

"Kept woman?" Olivia couldn't believe her ears.

"Who do you think pays for this apartment? Is paying for me to go back to school so I can get my master's? And in exchange, I see her once, sometimes twice a week and I give her what she needs physically. Or at least I try."

Olivia couldn't resist the urge to ask, so she did. "You try? What does that mean?"

Morgan gave her a disbelieving look. "I suppose you need to know that for your investigation?"

Properly admonished she moved on. "How did you and the governor meet?"

"Why's that important?"

"Whoever did this to Alex may have been planning it for sometime. You've been involved with her what, a year or so? This could somehow be tied to you and you wouldn't know it." It sounded plausible to Olivia's ears.

"Remember the free Billy Joel concert in Central Park ?"

Olivia nodded. She'd deliberately not gone, knowing that Alex was attending to present an award to the musician. As captain, her new position gave her the odd perk here and there and a seat in the VIP box could have been her's had she wanted it.

"Well, my old company did the special effects and computer generated animation. I was manning the control board which was next to the VIP booth. I saw her and thought she was beautiful and she smiled at me. I chalked it up to her being a politician and all. A few days after the concert our company got a call to do an event held at the governor's mansion. No biggie; our work more than spoke for itself so getting a gig like that wasn't a big deal.. We did the event and I was surprised to see the governor overseeing some of the set-up. She smiled at me again and gave a little wave. She came over and introduced herself, like I didn't know who she was, and then she was gone again. We did the event and then a week later I got a call from Mason asking if I could come to Albany to install a home entertainment system for the governor. He said since my company was already on the cleared list it was easier to have me drive up to Albany than trying to security clearance for somebody local. So I went."

She had stopped talking and Olivia wondered if that was all she was going to get when she started up again.

"I was surprised when I got there to find her waiting for me with Mason. We were in the screening room at the mansion and she talked to me while I worked. Said she was sorry if she interrupted any plans I may have had with my girlfriend. Could have knocked me over with a feather. I told her I didn't have a girlfriend. I must have looked mortified because she leaned in and whispered that she'd seen me wearing a rainbow lapel pen the night of the Billy Joel concert."

"She is observant." Olivia remembered a similar situation she'd found herself in with Alex. It had also led to their first night together. She frowned as she thought of Alex and Morgan being intimate. While she'd known they were sleeping together, this time it was different. The stabbing pain she felt actually hurt her heart.

"She is indeed. The next thing I know ol' Mason has left the room and it's just us. She stilled my arm and looked at me with those eyes. She could have told me she was an alien at the point and I wouldn't have cared. She told me she had a proposition for me. A very specific and direct proposition." Morgan shrugged. "A week later I was in Albany with a new apartment, a bank account and allowance and two days later we…you know, for the first time."

"You moved to Albany to be a kept woman just like that?" Olivia was skeptical.

"You've seen her. Wouldn't you have done the same thing if you'd been 25 and a beautiful, powerful woman wanted to make you her play thing? I didn't intend on falling in love with her! And I didn't know it was going to end up like this."

"Like what?"

Morgan stood and began to pace. "This! I knew we had to be discrete and that was fine. I don't want to live a life in the public. I'm gay, fine, but I don't walk around advertising it. I don't want to be the dyke computer geek or the lesbian crewmember. I just want to be Morgan so staying hidden was fine. Besides, it meant I got to be with her even if for only a little while. I just assumed I would at least get to talk to her on the phone. Send an email. Something more than this." She turned to Olivia and anger flashed in her eyes. "I sure never bet on being a stand in for you!"

"She told you about us?" Olivia felt her stomach drop. If Alex had told this woman then Morgan clearly meant more to her than she knew.

"Hardly. I Googled her and guess who's name kept popping up beside hers? Who appeared in almost every picture from her early days in the DA's office? It didn't take much to figure out we could be sisters. I finally asked her and her silence was all I needed to know. And by then it was too late. By then I'd let myself fall in love with her."

A lone tear streamed down her face and Olivia actually felt sorry for this woman. Morgan swiped at it and then sniffed.

"You know, she won't even let me go down on her! It's either fingers or toys. But she's not selfish in bed. I mean, I get you know? I just don't get the emotional connection with her. She helps me and all, but I'd give it all up just to see her look at me the way she looked at you in that photo. And she's faithful. We both are. She said it was the one thing she wouldn't tolerate."

"I'm sorry. You deserve more."

Morgan nodded. "Did…did she give you more than that? Besides her heart I mean? Was she there for you?"

Olivia thought about it and answered honestly. "Yes, she was."

"What happened between you two? Why aren't you together? Did you cheat on her?"

"That is not a topic for discussion Morgan." Olivia stood. "I need to get going. I'll see if I can get Alex to see you."

Morgan shook her head. "Don't. We have our scheduled Booty Call on Tuesday. I can wait."

Olivia nodded and left.

XXXXXXXXX

Governor's Mansion

Olivia could see light coming from under Alex's door and she knocked.

"Come in."

She opened the door and looked at Alex who was sitting up in the bed reading a book. She could see the bandage on the upper part of her right arm.

"Alex…"

"Let me guess, you've been to see Morgan?" Olivia nodded. "Judging by the way you are looking at me I'd say she told you about our arrangement?"

"She did."

Alex looked back down at her book, pretending to read. "Are you satisfied now?"

"I'm just doing my job Alex, which I might remind you is trying to keep you safe."

"I wasn't talking about her possible involvement in this and you know it. Is your curiosity about what she looks like and how we met satisfied?"

Olivia felt her anger rising. "She looks just like me when we first met. We could be sisters and given my unknown gene pool that might not be too far fetched."

"You are not sisters. Her father is a year younger than you and any resemblance she may have to you simply means I have a type." Even as she spoke the words, she knew they were untrue. She'd deliberately chosen Morgan because she looked almost exactly like Olivia. She'd had more than one offer from both sexes after her divorce from Robert and she'd turned them all down until she'd laid eyes on Morgan.

"You're old enough to be her mother!"

Alex flinched at the word mother and Olivia regretted her words. Before she could apologize Alex sniped back at her.

"If I'd gotten knocked up as a 16 year old, yes, I could have been her mother. Thank you for pointing that out." She raised her chin defiantly. "Is there anything else?"

Olivia's eyes narrowed. "Are you aware that she's in love with you? That she's a 26 year old kid whose life you are playing with?"

Alex put her book down and pinned Olivia with the look. It was her best courtroom glare and Olivia felt anger and a jolt of arousal wash through her. She'd forgotten how sexy the blonde could look when she was angry.

"May arrangement with Morgan is none of your concern. Your job is, as you have stated, to keep me and my…loved ones safe." She fixed Olivia with a glare and went in for the kill. "Speaking of loved one's don't you have anybody you need to call? A psychiatrist or disgraced police captain? Or an editor at a daily rag?"

Alex had landed a direct hit and she knew it. On the outside she looked calm and collected but on the inside she cringed at the pain she'd caused the brunette.

"H-How do you know about that?"

Icy blue eyes gave nothing away. "I'm the governor of New York . I can know anything I want, any time I want and I make it my business to know about incidents involving the police of this state. And I damn well know who the editor of the Ledger is sleeping with." She returned her attention to the book. "Close the door on your way out."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia had been unsettled by both the Morgan Keller conversation and her interaction with Alex. She couldn't figure out what was going on with Alex and she wasn't sure she wanted to know if this was how she was now living her life.

She kept replaying the scene with Morgan over and over in her mind. She slapped her forehead as she replayed the last part of their conversation in her mind.

"B.C. Booty Call. Jesus Christ Alex."

She couldn't help but think if Alex could really be so cavalier about a sexual relationship. The Alex she knew would never have reduced it to such a base thing. She groaned as she realized something else; Alex had started dating or whatever you want to call it around the time she was heating things up with Kurt. Their photo had been in the society page of the Ledger at some charity function. It had referred to Olivia as his long time girlfriend. And she was if long time meant 6 months.

"Fuck!"

Turning on her side she decided to just think about everything the next day. She was just about asleep when she heard moans coming from Alex's room. Her first response was to go check on the woman, but thinking perhaps she'd relented and let Morgan come over she decided to wait and see if the moans were sexual in nature. And then she remembered what Morgan had said about never doing it in Alex's room. And when she realized the room she'd described in their conversation was the bed she was currently in she quickly got out of the bed.

"Oh this is just a cluster."

She didn't get to think long because Alex's moans became outright sobs. She ran into Alex's room, not bothering to knock. Alex was in the throes of a nightmare and thrashing about. She sat on the side of the bed and tried to wake her; first gently and then harder.

"Alex, wake up! It's me. You're ok!"

The blonde came awake and clutched at Olivia. The brunette wrapped her arms around her and started rocking her. Alex relaxed into her and whimpered, "Morgan?" Catching a familiar but not recent scent, she pushed away from the body and looked at Olivia. "Olivia?"

A shaken Olivia nodded and then realizing Alex couldn't see her she answered yes.

"I'm sorry. I thought you were…Morgan."

In a soft voice Olivia replied, "Yeah, I sort of gathered that. Are you ok?"

"I'm fine. You can go back to your room now."

"Why don't I stay here until you fall back asleep?"

"No. I'm fine."

"Alex…let me help you. Please."

The blonde pulled away and turned her back to Olivia.

"Go away Olivia."

"Alex…"

"Get. Out. You are part of the problem and I don't want you here right now."

Olivia left the bedroom but stationed herself right outside Alex's door. She was pretty sure she'd had a dream related to her first shooting and she knew that right now her presence reminded Alex of the most hurtful time in her life. And she realized it hurt her to think she was causing Alex pain


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This story has been previously published on the svu_ mailing list.**

Alex awoke after a less than restful night's sleep. She'd showered and dressed and was just about to do down and meet Mason, whom she'd called before showering to ask if he'd come in on a Sunday. She opened the door and Olivia tumbled inside, obviously having slept outside Alex's door. The blonde frowned and watched as the brunette flailed her arms trying to get upright.

"Olivia, what are you doing?"

Finally upright, she stood and sputtered, "Uh, well, I uh..I slept outside your door in case you had any more bad dreams." She looked at Alex who stared back at her, face impassive.

"Thank you but if your job is to guard me, I would think you need a good nights sleep. Please sleep in the bed that has been provided for you from now on. Ok?"

Olivia nodded. "Yeah." She looked at a casually dressed Alex. "What are your plans for today?"

"I'm going down to my office to meet Mason. I'll let you know after I speak with him."

"He works on Sunday's?" She looked surprised.

"Not usually, but I asked him to come in today. Contrary to published reports, I am not an ogre with my staff." She smiled and stepped around Olivia, disappearing down the stairs.

Olivia resisted the urge to step into her room and to open the forbidden door. She decided to search her room for the photograph Morgan had mentioned.

XXXXXXX

"Governor?"

Alex looked up and smiled at her assistant's appearance. Even though it was Sunday, he was dressed in a three-piece suit. She'd tried in to no avail to get him to at least shed the vest and blazer on the weekends, but he'd refused. She'd even bought him a sweater with suede elbow patches hoping he'd find that reasonable to wear, but no matter the time of day or day of the week, he'd always arrive looking fresh and in a sharp suit.

"Should I even bother to admonish you about dressing casually?"

"No."

She shook her head and pointed at a chair in front of her desk.

"Sit. I need advice."

"Regarding?"

Alex took her glasses off and worried with her upper lip. "Morgan."

"I see." He leaned back in his chair and rested his chin on his hands. "What are you trying to figure out?"

"You spend more time interacting with her than I do. Is she…do you think she's…happy?"

"Honestly? No, I do not."

Alex frowned. "Do you think I should give her more money each month?"

He rolled his eyes. "It isn't your money she wants." He looked at her pointedly.  
>Alex shifted uncomfortably. "So you think she's in love with me too?"<p>

He raised an eyebrow. "Too? I take it Capt. Benson has paid a visit to Miss Keller and has reported what everybody but you apparently knows is the truth?"

Alex looked alarmed. "Everybody? Who's everybody?"

"Myself, Capt. Benson and Morgan of course." He let that hang in the air for a few moments and then asked, "The bigger question is, how do you feel about her?"

"I…we have a good arrangement. She is very dear to me and it suits both of us perfectly. Or at least I thought it did."

He pinned her with his eyes. There was a subtle change in his demeanor, but Alex caught it.

"Governor, may I be frank?" Not waiting on her to respond, he continued. "Alex," the use of her first name caught her off guard and she knew that whatever he was about to say, it was going to be brutally honest and she probably wouldn't like it, but that he felt it needed to be said. "Your relationship with Morgan isn't based in reality. Until you look at her and see Morgan, not a younger version of a different woman from a different time, you can't ever really know how you may or may not feel about her. She deserves more and frankly, so do you. Think about the way you treat her and then ask yourself if you'd enjoy being treated that way?"

"What do I do?"

"At the risk of being crude Governor Cabot, it's time to either shit or get off the pot." He stood. "No matter what you decide about Morgan, it doesn't address your history with Olivia." He knew he was straying into dangerous territory but pushed ahead anyway. "Have you ever considered telling her what happened?"

Her eyes were on fire as she scribbled on a piece of notepaper. She shoved the paper at him and then said, "Close the door on your way out."

Mason looked at the note and nodded.

Alex made her way upstairs to get ready and to let Olivia know of her plans. She knocked on the door of Olivia's room and waited.

Olivia had found the book with the photo in it and had to agree that the way Alex was looking at her was special. She even knew the case. It was the Slotnik case. Alex had won a conviction for child rape with nothing more than a single fingerprint and a pile of circumstantial evidence. The child, a 7 year old, was too traumatized to testify, but Alex had pushed ahead anyway. Nobody had thought she could win. Nobody but Olivia. The day this photo was taken was also the day they'd become lovers. She smiled at the thought and felt a twinge between her legs she hadn't felt in years. Hearing the knock, she quickly shoved the book back where it belonged and opened the door.

"Alex?"

"I wanted you to know that I will be staying in today." She looked away, almost guiltily. "Uh, I am expecting a guest today, so if you could, please…you know."

"Make myself scarce?"

"Yes." Alex blushed.

"I take it Morgan's the guest?" Alex nodded. "I take it she'll be arriving this evening?"

"No. I've asked her to come for lunch and to stay through dinner. We'll be watching a movie in the screening room after lunch and then I've asked Mason to arrange dinner for us in the small dining room."

Olivia smiled, putting on the best face possible. "What movie? Maybe I'll sneak into the projection room and watch if it's anything good."

Alex cleared her throat and colored. "Bound."

Olivia felt her heart drop and then a new wave of arousal surged through her. "Or maybe not."

"I need to go get ready."

Olivia nodded and closed the door to her room.

XXXXXXXXX

Morgan had been picked up by Mason and driven through the back gate of the mansion. She had only ever been to the mansion during the day one other time and that was upon her first arrival in Albany to start her new life. Even when she'd set the home theater up it had been dusk when she'd arrived and she was nervous. For Alex to ask her during daylight hours and on a non-scheduled day, she was afraid of what might happen.

Mason seemed to sense her apprehension because he had patted her hand and smiled at her. As they got out of the car, he directed her through the service entrance and led her down the hall and into the informal dining area. She took a seat and looked around, nervous at being there.

Alex stood just outside the doorway and watched Morgan. She smiled at the way she fidgeted. Taking a deep breath she walked into the room and put her hands over the younger woman's eyes.

"Guess who?"

"Angelina Jolie?"

"You wish." She kissed Morgan on the cheek and then sat down at the table. She looked at the younger woman and for the first time she saw Morgan Keller, not a stand-in for Olivia Benson. "I never noticed you have a light dusting of freckles across your nose."

Morgan laughed. "We don't usually spend a lot of time with the lights on Alex." She'd meant it as a joke, but Alex felt a stab of pain.

"I know Morgan and I'm sorry about that."

Before she could continue, Mason arrived with the food and served them both. He'd found out what Morgan's favorite meal was and had it prepared for her. After he'd left, Alex continued to study her lover. Morgan, unused to such scrutiny, especially from Alex, grew nervous again.

"What?"

"I'm just looking at you."

Morgan put her fork down. "Alex, if you've asked me here to break up with me, just tell me, ok? I'm a big girl and I can take it and if you've decided to give it another go with Olivia, it's ok. Really." Actually, it wasn't ok, but she didn't think she had a leg to stand on, being kept and all.

"Oh Morgan…that's not why I asked you here today. I realized that I've not been very fair to you this last year. I really like you and I'll admit that at first this was just going to be a sexual thing; a mutually beneficial situation for the both of us, but there's something about you."

"I look like her."

Alex shook her head. "Yes, you do, but there's something about you Morgan. You, not her. I…I want to explore this thing with you. I want to see where this might go beyond just sex Morgan."

"She's still in love with you."

Alex's head shot up. "Morgan…no, she's not. Whatever that was, whatever we had, it's gone. And even if she is, it doesn't matter. There is too much water under that bridge." Alex was growing frustrated and sighed. "Morgan, if you want to keep this arrangement purely sexually, that's fine, but even a purely sexually relationship can have more to it. Dinners, movies, the odd night together when I am not out of town. I just don't think it's healthy for either one of us to continue this way."

Morgan looked scared and hopefully all rolled into one.

"Ok."

"Ok? Good. I think we'll both be much happier. I don't know how far I can let you in Morgan, but I am going to try, ok?"

Morgan smiled at her and shoveled more food into her mouth. "What movie are we watching?"

"Bound." Alex smiled as Morgan began to sputter.

"Please tell me we're breaking protocol and having sex today?"

Alex only smiled.

XXXXXXX

After starting the movie and providing the women with drinks and popcorn, Mason made himself scarce. He retreated to his office and wasn't surprised when Olivia knocked on his door.

"Mason?"

"Olivia. Come in and sit down. I thought I might see you."

"Oh? Why's that?"

He smiled at her. "I am quiet certain Governor Cabot doesn't need a chaperone."

Olivia nodded. "No, she doesn't. Does she often have guests over on Sunday's?"

"This is the first time Miss Keller has been to the mansion on a Sunday afternoon."

"I said guests Mason, not just Morgan."

He gave her a wry smile. "Indeed you did, but aside from the odd visit from her brother and sister, the only other visitor the governor has is Miss Keller. And those visits aren't often long in duration."

Olivia's lips twitched. "There's nobody else? No other friends?"

"Governor Cabot lives a fairly isolated, compartmentalized, life. She is nothing if not dedicated to this job."

"Compartmentalized?"

"Everything and everyone has it's place."

Olivia nodded. "I'm going to go stick my head into the projection room. Maybe I can catch the last of the movie."

Mason watched her go and considered telling her that might not be such a wise idea. He had a fairly good idea what she might find even if nobody else did. He decided to keep quiet and to let the chips fall where they may.

XXXXXXXXXX

Meanwhile….

Alex and Morgan were watching Bound and they had just gotten to the sex scene. Alex smiled as she heard Morgan's sharp intake of breath. She slid her hand over and on top of Morgan's. She began rubbing the younger woman's hand with her thumb.

Alex leaned over and kiss Morgan on the cheek and then moved on to her mouth.

"Alex!" Morgan hissed and looked around frantically. "Somebody might see us!"

"Mason has strict instructions to stay away and the area has been blocked off. It's just us."

Morgan leaned in and kissed her and soon Alex was slipping out of her theater seat and sank to her knees. She started undoing Morgan's pants and tugged on the waistband until Morgan gave in and raised her hips, allowing her to slide pants and panties down to her ankles.

"Alex? What are you doing?"  
>"I think that's obvious Morgan."<p>

"But you've never…we've never…."

Alex raised up and placed a single finger on Morgan's lips.

"Shh. I'm trying."

Alex ran her fingers through the downy hair between the younger woman's legs and relished the wetness she found. She looked up in time to see Morgan watching her and she smiled at her lover. She felt alive for the first time in three years.

Alex moved forward and with just a moments hesitation she slid her tongue into her lover for the first time. Both women let out a moan and Morgan swore under her breath. Her head began to thrash back and forth as her belly began to coil.

Standing in the projection booth watching was Olivia Benson. She'd entered just in time to see them kiss and as soon as she saw Alex's head disappear, she knew what was about to happen. As much as she wanted to leave, knew she had no right to watch what was going on, she couldn't move. Part of her was upset that Alex was with another woman, and another part was incredibly turned on. It was almost like she was watching Alex having sex with her. She pressed her legs tightly together trying to relieve the pressure that was building.

She knew the minute Morgan orgasmed and her heart sank as she watched Alex re-appear and kiss her lover. It was a sensual kiss and she wasn't sure why seeing Alex with another woman bothered her. She was after all the aggrieved party and they'd now been apart for three years.

Finally able to break away, she shook her head and left the projection room in search of the informal dining room. She told herself she was going to check out the layout, but she knew she wanted to see if Alex had requested anything special.

"Olivia?"

She turned to find Mason standing just inside the door.

"Yes? I was just checking the layout."

"I'm sure you were. The governor has requested baked ham, baked beans and potato salad for dinner with a plain pound cake for desert. There should be plenty if you would like a plate?"

Olivia looked around the dining room. "Sure. I need to go online and do some work anyway."

The sound of laughter filtered through the door and both Olivia and Mason turned to see it's source. Alex came through the door, smiling and stopped laughing the minute she saw Olivia. She'd stopped so suddenly, Morgan ran into her and her face fell as she saw Olivia as well.

Alex swallowed hard and took Morgan's hand, trying not feel guilty. "Mason, Olivia." She nodded at both of them. "Mason, I'd like to hold dinner for another hour, ok?"

Mason nodded. "Yes Governor Cabot. Would you like something to drink or snack on?"

She looked back at Morgan and smiled. "No, I'm going to show Morgan the area around the kitchen. The old servants quarters." She hoped Mason would catch on to what she was saying and not question her.

"Very well. One hour. I have offered to fix Capt. Benson a plate. I'll go ahead and serve her if that's ok?"

Alex smiled. "Of course." Morgan had the good grace to back out of the dining room. "Olivia, I'll check in with you later regarding the coming week."

She quickly turned and could be heard laughing with Morgan as the sound got dimmer.

Morgan turned to face Olivia and found her face was blank.

"Mason, I'm going to head upstairs. I'm not very hungry after all."

He shook his head as he watched her retreat and deciding he couldn't do anything for either woman until they wanted help, he went about fixing Olivia a plate anyway.

XXXXXXX

Alex pulled Morgan into a room off the kitchen that was never in use and pushed her down on the bed. She crawled on top of her lover and looked down at her. She bent and kissed her lover and allowed her to flip them so that she was beneath the younger woman.

"Is it safe here?"

Alex nodded. "Mason will make sure nobody comes this way."

"Why are we down here and not upstairs?"

Alex visibly swallowed. "Your room is in use."

Morgan laughed. "My room? I wasn't aware I had a room here."

Alex blushed. "Well, you know, it's the room where we do what we do. Anyway, that's where Olivia is sleeping."

Morgan stopped and studied Alex's face.

"Oh." She rolled off Alex and stared at the ceiling. "Alex, why is she here? If it's just some crack pot whith a beef against gays, why is she here?"

Alex really didn't want to lie to Morgan, not now when she'd made the decision to try and make a go of it with this woman, but she also knew she couldn't be honest with her either.

"It's just a precaution. She was there when…when I was shot and when I came back to testify. She just has an insider's perspective on this."

Morgan rolled onto her side and began making lazy circles on Alex's exposed stomach. "So you're not in any danger? I mean, any danger like what happened before?"

Alex's response was to pull her head down and kiss her. "I'm here and I'm alive and I'm safe."

Morgan moved on top of her and held her face between her hands. "I was so scared when I saw the news Alex. And then I realized that the only person who knows about us is Mason and that you could die and I wouldn't know until it was too late. And then you wouldn't let me come last night. That hurts Alex."

Alex cupped Morgan's face and saw the sincerity of her words. "Oh Morgan, I'm sorry. I really haven't thought about this and how my life and actions might effect you. I am so sorry." She kissed her. "You don't have to worry Morgan; if something happens to me I've set up a trust for you. There is more than enough to pay for your grad school and to live comfortably for a couple of years."

Morgan pulled back, angered by her words.

"Alex, I don't care about the money. Maybe I did at first, but now it's about you. Don't you get it?"

Alex nodded. "I know Morgan. Really, I do. I just wanted you to know that I care about you and care about what happens to you. I don't want you to feel like you're just…that I own you. I'm…I'm trying Morgan."

Morgan smiled at her, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "Ok." She bent her head and kissed Alex. She tried to pull back, but Alex held her head in place and began pulling Morgan's shirt from her pants.

"I need to be with you."

They undressed slowly and deliberately and for the first time each woman admired and played with the other woman's body. Morgan began making her way down Alex's body, kissing and tonguing as she went along. As she neared the juncture of Alex's legs, the blonde put her legs together.

"Alex?"

"Not…not yet Morgan, ok?"

Morgan watched her, trying to figure out why Alex wouldn't allow her to do this one act.

"Ok." She moved back up Alex's body and began lavishing attention to the blonde's breasts. "Will you tell me why not? Please?"

Alex began stroking her. "Not right now, but soon. I promise." She shifted beneath Morgan and purred, "Let's grind."

Morgan smiled. "We haven't done that in a while."

They began moving together and in short order first Alex and then Morgan fell over the edge. Morgan rolled off of her and laughed.

"What?"

"This is the first time we've ever had sex during the day."

Alex joined her in her laughter. She snuggled into Morgan's side and rested her head on the woman's chest.

"I'm trying Morgan. All I can do is promise to try. Ok?"

"Ok."

Just then Morgan's stomach growled and Alex suggested they go eat.

XXXXXXXXXX

Upstairs

Olivia was in a foul mood. She knew Alex wasn't giving a personal tour of the mansion. She decided she needed to talk to Elliot so she called him.

"Liv, how's Albany?"

"It sucks. How's the hunt for Emiliano? Please tell me you have him so I can ditch this gig."

"Afraid not. It looks like he may have made it across the border into Canada. You may be stuck there a while. Can you handle that?"

She let her head fall forward with a thud. "Sure."

"How's Alex?" He was straying into troubled waters, but two lives were at stake and he wasn't going to lose his best friend due to hurt feelings.

"Fucking her girlfriend in the servants quarters because I'm currently sleeping in the bed they usually get nasty in."

"Uh, ok. So there's no problem being around Alex?"

"Nope." She felt the need to change the subject. "Do we have a better photo of Velez yet?"

Elliot shook his head at his friend's refusal to discuss her real feelings about Alex.

"Not yet. We're working on it though. How's Rebecca? She ok with you being in Albany?"

"She broke up with me yesterday via email."

"Ouch. Sorry about that."

Olivia laughed. "Don't be, I'm not. It's a relief actually."

"Ok." He considered his next words carefully and decided to just go for it. "How's Julia?"

Olivia was pissed that he knew her so well. She decided to answer him in a way that would shut him up. "Fucked her Friday night after Rebecca turned me away."

"Ok. Well, I'm gonna hang up now. You take care."

She smirked and then frowned at the state her life had fallen into. She was enraged at the thought that Alex was below her making love to her twin. And then her thoughts turned to what led to their break-up and that brought with it a new wave of anger and remorse. She had no idea how long she'd sat there thinking about years gone past when there was a knock on her door.

"Olivia? It's Alex."

Olivia knew that if she opened the door, she'd either fight with Alex or drag her to bed. Wanting neither of those things, she answered.

"What do you need Alex?"

Taken aback by the abrupt tone, Alex faltered. "Uh, I'm done with dinner. I told you I'd check with you to discuss the coming week."

"I can just catch up with you in the morning ok? I've memorized your schedule for the week so it's ok."

Alex didn't want to admit it to herself, but she'd wanted to see Olivia. She wanted to feel connected to her after what had happened in the dining room.

"Are you sure?" She waited a beat. "Are you ok? Has something happened I need to know about?"

Olivia closed her eyes and sighed.

"It's ok Alex. Nothing's changed."

"You're sure?"

"Alex, damnit! I'm naked, ok? Or did you forget I sleep in the nude?"

Alex couldn't help it; her hand shot out and was almost touching the door knob when she managed to stop herself. She hadn't forgotten the brunette slept in the nude and she hadn't forgotten what that body looked like or what it felt like on top of her. She'd hoped her encounter with Morgan would squelch her feelings for Olivia, but the visual of the naked captain had given new life to the fire between her legs.

"Oh. Well, sleep well tonight."

Olivia looked down at her fully clothed body and sighed. In a low voice she murmured, "Not likely."


	6. Chapter 6

XXXXXXXX

Monday Night

Olivia Benson was bored stiff. Alex had spent the day campaigning for her re-election bid and they'd gone from one small town to the next throughout the day. They'd had breakfast in Troy at 6 am which Olivia thought was utterly ridiculous because she'd had to get up at 3, followed by lunch in Schenectady where she'd given a speech and posed for photos with local politicians and then they'd gone to Amsterdam where Alex greeted factory workers as they left for the day. Her final appearance had been a fundraising dinner in Utica where the chicken came with extra rubber in Olivia's opinion.

Currently they were just inside the city limits of Albany and while Olivia was about to drop, Alex was still making calls and going over paperwork. Through it all Mason had been at her side and even though they were closing in on a 16 hour day, he looked fresh as a cucumber.

In an effort to stress environmental conservation, Alex had insisted on car-pooling as often as possible and always on her campaign junkets. As such, they were making stops to deposit various staff members at their respective homes. Mason was always the first to be picked up and the last to be dropped off so it was just Olivia, Mason and Alex in the mini-bus.

Mason's phone rang and he took the call. Olivia noticed he quickly glanced at Alex and then signaled her with his eyes. She nodded and he handed the phone to her. Alex got up and made her way to the back of the bus and Olivia raised an eyebrow in the dimly lit bus. Mason gave nothing away and Olivia felt her anger flare.

"Scheduling a delivery?"

"More like tracking the package."

Alex reappeared and handed him the phone. She wore an almost imperceptible smile on her face as she sat back down. The bus came to a stop and Mason bid them both goodnight.

"I would think you'd be extra careful with your packages since you're right in the middle of a re-election campaign."

"I merely took a phone call on my assistants phone that lasted all of two minutes."

Olivia moved into the seat directly behind Alex and whispered, "And went down on her during a screening in the governor's mansion. What happened to discretion?"

Alex took her comments in stride and without missing a beat she said, "I never knew you were such a voyeur Olivia." She turned and got right in Olivia's face. "Did you enjoy what you saw? And as for discretion, I perfected the art of sneaking around with a lesbian lover with you."

"Well, I always did wonder what I looked like fucking somebody and now I know."

Alex turned back around in her seat and muttered, "Go to Hell."

"No thanks, I've already been. A few times actually."

They rode the rest of the way back to the governor's mansion in complete silence and once they arrived, they went their separate ways. Alex stopped by her office while Olivia went to check in with Elliot and prayed that Emiliano Velez was parked right outside the gates of the mansion so this could all be over. As usual, her wishes went unanswered.

XXXXXXXX  
>Later that Night<p>

Alex awoke in a cold seat and had to take several deep breaths to calm herself. She looked around her room trying to assure herself that she was still Alex Cabot, still the governor of New York and not Emily in Wisconsin or Sandi in Palm Beach.

Throwing the covers back, she decided to go down to the kitchen and fixe herself a mug of cocoa. It was what her mother had always given her and her siblings when she was little girl and they'd been sick or had a bad day and even now, it was the one thing that always made her feel better.

Not expecting to find anyone in the kitchen, she'd not bothered with a robe, opting to go in her silk boxers and matching tank top. She was surprised to find Olivia sitting at the kitchen table hunched over her laptop and wearing a wife beater and boxers.

"Olivia…I wasn't expecting anyone to be down here."

The brunette took in her appearance and cringed. Her hair appeared to be damp and the bags under her eyes had darkened. Her eyes flicked to the bandage on her upper arm and she sighed.

"Couldn't sleep. How about you? Another bad dream?"

Alex faltered as she was reaching for the cocoa, which was exposing her belly, much to Olivia's discomfort.

"Yes. I guess what happened Saturday stirred up a lot of old memories. I'm making cocoa. Would you like a mug?"

Olivia smiled at her. "I haven't had cocoa since…." The night before you were elected governor and I found you up pacing at 3am and drinking cocoa. "Well, in a very long time."

Alex climbed up on the counter top and watched the cocoa in the sauce pan. She glanced over at Olivia and studied her former lover. She felt a pang at not having the liberty to just walk over to her and asked to be held.

"Any news on Velez?"

Olivia frowned at her and shook her head. "No. I'm sorry."

Alex shrugged. "It's not your fault." She slid down off the counter and turned the stove eye off. Grabbing two mugs, she filled them and then sat down at the table with her old lover.

"Olivia?" When the brunette looked at her she continued, "About earlier…I'm sorry. I know you're just trying to do your job and truth be told, you and Elliot are the only two people I trust to keep me safe." She laid her hand on top of Olivia's and gave it a squeeze.

The brunette smiled at her and took a sip of cocoa. "Alex…I wasn't trying to spy on you or be a voyeur. I just haven't seen Bound in quite a while and thought I might catch the last of it. I didn't know…you know. And I tried to leave…left, I left. As soon as I realized what was going on I left." Well, it was almost the truth.

Both women sat quietly, starring into their respective mugs of cocoa.

"I miss the city."

Olivia smiled. "It still smells like garbage and diesel."

Alex laughed. "I miss practicing law too." She swallowed hard. "I haven't really felt alive since my days with SVU." With you.

Olivia drained her mug and sat it back down. "I know what you mean. Since Munch retired and Fin made Lieutenant with Major Case, all I'm left with is this baby faced red head named Wheeler who came from Major Case and Cassidy's been filling in for the last few months."

"Cassidy? How's that working out?" Did you sleep with him again?

Olivia smiled. "Ever since he married a meter maid we've been cool. He's even going to be a father. For the third time."

Alex smirked. "Now there's a gene pool that needs a life guard." At her words she stilled and her face grew grim. She stood up and took her mug as well as Olivia's to the sink.

"Alex…"

"You should get some sleep Olivia. If you thought today was long, it only gets longer tomorrow. I'm addressing the Conservative Union."

Olivia ran to catch up with her, wanting to make sure she was ok. As Alex was about to go into her room, she grabbed her and turned her around. They stood starring at each other until Olivia pulled the blonde to her and gave her a bruising hug.

"I won't let anything happen to you. I promise."

Alex nodded. "I know."

XXXXXXXXXX

Tuesday afternoon

Olivia wanted to stick an ice pick in her ear. After speaking at a lunch with the Conservative Union who grilled Alex on her decision to block the marriage amendment, they'd then done a tour of a soap factory and were now waiting to attend a cocktail party given by a bunch of stuffed shirt old white men. Alex had informed her they had very deep pockets and that was always a good thing in the world of politics.

Alex was currently talking to a distinguished looking older gentleman who kept placing his hand in the small of Alex's back. The first few times Alex had shifted so that his hand had fallen off of her, but the last time she'd actually moved closer to him. He was looking at her like she has a ham bone and he was a starving dog. And Olivia was pissed. She wasn't sure why she cared, she just knew she did. She was about to go over and make some excuse to get Alex away from him when Mason appeared out of nowhere and distracted her.

"Olivia, would you follow me please?"

"What?" She turned back to look for Alex and almost growled when she realized she'd lost the blonde. "Mason, I'm trying to work here, ok?"

"She can handle herself Olivia."

"What?"

"Governor Cabot can handle herself. What she doesn't need is an old lover, an old female lover going caveman and causing a scene."

Olivia was pissed. "First Mason, I am doing my job as an officer of the law not an old lover and second…well I don't have a second Mason, but just know that I was not going to go all caveman! I am a professional."

"Indeed. However, that gentleman has been quite generous with his support of the governor and as such he has requested a few moments alone with her."

Olivia's mouth hung open and then she shook her head. A memory from long ago of finding Alex in a red dress dining with Trevor Langan ran through her mind. She was furious and began watching the clock, trying to see just how long a moment was.

Ten minutes later Alex reemerged, her cheeks were flushed and her hair was slightly mussed up. And Olivia could tell the blonde had reapplied her lipstick. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. It was obvious Alex and the money man had been off doing something that wasn't kosher. Her anger quickly turned to disgust and she stalked over to Mason.

"It's time to go."

Mason looked at his watch. "Not for another thirty minutes."

"Now Mason. We need to maintain the element of surprise in regards to her schedule." She looked at him and dared him to disagree with her. "Either you go get her, or I do."

Alex seemed surprised to be leaving so soon, but took it in stride and made her good-byes. With one eye on Alex, Olivia pulled out her cell phone and called Elliot to let him know about the change of plans. As soon as she hung-up, she dialed another number.

"Hello?"

"Julia…how quickly can you get to Albany?"

"You're in luck Capt. Benson. I happen to be in Hudson interviewing for a job. I can be there as soon as I finish my interview. About two hours."

"Good. Find a hotel and check in, then call me. I want to shove my tongue up your pussy."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Alex noticed Olivia wouldn't look at her on the ride back to Albany. She'd tried to engage the brunette in conversation to no avail. Finally giving up, she'd moved to the front of the bus to speak with her press secretary. Olivia watched her interact with her staff and two things came to mind; she was sexy as hell in politician mode and she'd just fucked a donation out of some old guy.

As soon as the bus made it's way back to the mansion, Olivia followed Alex to her office.

"Olivia?"

"What time does your 'package' arrive?"

Alex had to glance at her day planner. "9, why?"

"Since I assume you won't be in any danger while fucking your girlfriend, I'll be taking care of some personal business with Julia. I'll leave my cell phone on and I should be back before midnight."

She turned and tore out of the office and then the governor's mansion. After calling Julia and finding out what hotel she was in, she drove there and banged on the door. As soon as it opened she pushed the dark haired woman inside and began tearing at her clothes.

Julia was with her every step of the way. They tore at each other's clothing, leaving scratch marks along the way. Olivia sunk her teeth into Julia's neck, ensuring there would be a mark the next day. As Olivia roughly pushed three fingers into her, Julia clutched at her back and gasped, dragging her nails down Olivia's back, drawing a faint line of blood.

Julia's orgasm was violent and as Olivia struggled to catch her breath, Julia flipped them so that she was straddling Olivia's waist. She grabbed Olivia by the hair of the head and slapped her.

"Alex must have really pissed you off. You haven't been that rough with me in a long time." She bent and kissed Olivia. "Good thing I like it rough." She licked her lips. "Now, you said something about shoving your tongue into my pussy?"

She settled over Olivia's mouth and moaned as the brunette began tongue fucking her.

XXXXXXXXXX

Back at the Governor's Mansion

Alex and Morgan were once again in the room off the kitchen and Morgan was on top of Alex, her tool buried deep within Alex. The blonde had her eyes closed and was holding onto her lover. She'd been distracted ever since Olivia had stormed out of her office. Morgan had tried to talk to her about her mood, but she'd only shook her head and pulled her into the room and down onto the bed.

With ever thrust into her, Alex had imagined Olivia doing the same thing to Julia. She finally blocked that image out by concentrating on the memory of her first time with Olivia. She finally orgasmed and managed to smile at the concerned face of her lover.

"Alex, where are you?"

"Right here with you." She'd pulled on Morgan until she was straddling Alex's waist. "Sit on my face."

"Alex?" Morgan looked surprised at the request.

Alex smiled at her. "I like the way you taste."

Morgan settled over her mouth, all thoughts leaving her mind.

XXXXXXXXX

Albany Motor Court

Julia was resting her head on her hand and looking down at her sometime lover.

"What happened?" Olivia shrugged. "Olivia, don't get me wrong, I love the way you fuck and I particularly love the way you fuck when you're angry, but it is ok to talk to me. Some might even say it's healthy."

Olivia laughed. "You know, for somebody whose sole purpose in my life is to just get fucked, you seem to care a little too much about how I feel."

"I set your brother up for rape which got you in trouble with IAB. Call it guilt."

Olivia laughed. She cupped Julia's cheek and pulled her down for a kiss. "How about we try this again, only more slowly?" She rolled Julia beneath her and began loving her again.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Governor's Mansion

Morgan flopped back on the bed and exhaled. "God…why haven't we done that before?" Alex just smiled at her and snuggled in to her side.

"Mrogan?"

"Yeah?"

"I want to spend Friday night with you."

"Ok. What scenic locale will we be staying in?"

"Here. I want you to stay here with me."

Morgan turned on her side and pushed Alex's hair out of her eyes. "Are you sure?"

Alex smiled at her. "Yes. I'm serious about this Morgan."

Morgan smiled at her and kissed her. They began kissing and this time, Alex didn't have to think about anything but the woman currently with her.

XXXXXXXXX

Sitting in a dark car outside the Albany Motor Court was Emiliano Velez. He made a notation of the car Olivia had driven to the hotel and into which room she'd gone. He also noted an attractive raven-haired woman had rented the room. He was only mildly surprised when he saw the lights go out as soon as the detective arrived. As soon as he saw Olivia Benson kissing the other woman as she left, he started the car and pulled away.


	7. Chapter 7

Friday afternoon

To say there was distinct chill in the governor's mansion would have been an understatement. After Tuesday night Olivia had tried to avoid Alex at any cost and the blonde was perplexed at her attitude. She'd tried more than once to engage Olivia in conversation, but aside from giving her a daily update on the investigation, the brunette roundly ignored the blonde. Alex had finally given up and decided to just let the brunette stew in her own juices until whatever was wrong worked itself out.

Alex had just finished a meeting with her inner circle and had approved a press release for distribution when she glanced at the clock. She began to fidget and Mason smiled at her actions.

"Governor? Is there anything I can do for you?"

Alex shook her head and continued to worry with her pen.

"Are you sure there's not something you need?"

Alex stopped and looked up at him. He mouth twitched. "Is everything taken care of for this evening?"

"Of course. The kitchen staff is set to depart at 6pm and they have been given the weekend off. The room is as you requested, right down to the sheets." He'd added the last part to see if Alex would react and her bright red ears made him smile. "Should you desire a movie, the screening room has been cleaned and awaits."

Alex shifted. "And the other?"

"Which other Governor?"

She glared at him. "You know which other I'm talking about."

Letting her off the hook he smirked. "Both packages are waiting in your room. One is wrapped, the other is not. I'll let you figure out which is which. The bigger package is scheduled to arrive at 7."

She swatted at him and then smiled. "Thank you Mason." She shook her head. "I'm really trying."

"Speaking of which, Capt. Benson has requested a few minutes of your time."

Alex frowned. "Mason, do you have any idea what is going on with her? Monday night I thought we'd come to an understanding but then by Tuesday evening it all seemed to go to Hell. Since she saw…her friend she's been even sulkier."

"I haven't a clue. Should I send her in?"

"Yes please."

Mason stepped outside the office and motioned for Olivia. The brunette had been pissed at having to wait like a child going to see the principal and by the time Mason waved her in, she was seething.

"What are your plans for the weekend?"

Alex squirmed and took her time answering.

"Morgan is coming this evening. I am spending Saturday in and attending church on Sunday morning."

"What time will she be leaving tonight?"

Without looking at Olivia she answered, "She won't. She's staying here tonight."

Olivia chewed the inside of her lip. "Oh. You finally decided to let her stay the night in the big house. How quaint. What time are you shipping her out tomorrow? Before the sun comes up?"

Alex bristled because Olivia had been pretty close to the truth. "I suggest you check with Mason. He keeps my schedule. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go get ready for my guest." She pushed past Olivia and stopped. "And Olivia? Do not bother me unless it's urgent. Tonight's special." She continued on and stalked up the stairs.

The brunette went in search of Mason and found him in his office tapping away on the computer. He spared her a glance and hit a button on the computer, which caused the printer to whir to life. Without a word he handed her the print out and studied her.

"What's wrong Olivia?"

"Nothing. Does this cover the weekend?" He nodded.

"Olivia, are you able to do your job when you are this worked up?"

"I am more than capable of doing my job Mason. Don't ever question that. I will keep her safe."

"I certainly hope so. After all, you've failed her once before."

Olivia clenched her teeth and it took everything she had not to grab him by the throat.

"I'm well aware of my track record with Alex. You do your job and let me do mine." She turned and decided to go confront Alex. As much as she hated to admit it, Mason did have a point. She couldn't afford to be distracted, not with another Velez on the lose.

As she stormed out of his office he muttered, "No Capt. Benson, I don't believe you are aware of your track record." He sighed and looked heavenward hoping for an answer.

Olivia tore up the steps and stopped in front of Alex's door. She started to knock, thought better of it and instead she threw the door open. "Alex…" She stopped at the sight before her, speechless. Standing in a peek-a-boo bra and matching black lace crotchless panties was Alex.

"Olivia! What the hell are you doing?" She started grabbing for her clothes and held them to her in a futile attempt to cover herself. She was looking around frantically, trying to locate her robe and Olivia was still frozen in place. And aroused.

Finally able to turn away from the blonde, she put her hands on her hips and willed her breathing to slow down. "Are you covered up yet?"

"Get the fuck out of my room! Unless Velez is downstairs as we speak, I don't want to see you tonight!"  
>Olivia turned to find Alex covered in her robe and her eyes narrowed realizing just whom Alex was wearing the outfit for.<p>

"Is that what you wear when you want to score?"

Shocked, Alex snapped, "What?"

"Crotchless panties…how classy, but ultimately practical."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Olivia stepped closer to her. "Does she think you wear that just for her?"

Before she could stop herself, Alex answered, "I've never worn something like this for her." Angry with herself for revealing such a personal detail, she glared at Olivia. "What do you want?"

Olivia shook her head. "That poor stupid girl. She doesn't have a clue that while she's sitting in some fancy apartment pining away for you, you're out on the campaign trail fucking donations out of lecherous old men."

"I'm what?"

"You heard me. I saw you disappear with that old man on Tuesday and when you came back, you'd reapplied your lipstick and your perfectly coifed hair was mussed up and I saw you hand Mason a check. Anybody who didn't know you wouldn't have noticed but I did." She smirked at Alex. "I've caused that look too many times to count."

Alex didn't back down, instead she stepped into Olivia's personal space.

"Yes, that old man thought his donation entitled him to something more than my gratitude, but a well placed heel to his instep ended his ambitions. What you saw was me giving that man's check to Mason so he could return it. Nice to know some things don't change." She lifted her chin. "I do not cheat."

Olivia laughed. "The hell you don't! You cheated on me or did you forget?" She grabbed Alex by her upper arms, drawing a wince from the blonde. Realizing that she'd just pressed on Alex's wound, she immediately dropped her hands.

Alex's spine went rigid and she leveled her gaze at Olivia. "Technically Capt. Benson, I cheated with you, not on you. Or did you forget I was married to Robert while we were doing whatever the hell it is we were doing?"

"You told me you weren't sleeping with him! That it wasn't a real marriage and I believed you!"

Alex walked over to the bedroom door and held it open. "I never lied to you Olivia. Not once. Not that you ever bothered to listen to me. You need to go."

On her way out of the bedroom, Olivia spied a neatly wrapped box at the foot of Alex's bed. Once she was at the door she faced Alex.

"Velez…"

"Shut-up Olivia. In the unlikely event Emiliano Velez gets inside this mansion, I can take care of myself. I've had advanced self-defense."

"Oh please…Ouch!"

Alex had grabbed Olivia's thumb and twisted it, bringing the brunette to her knees. Releasing the thumb, she shut the door in Olivia's face and stood with her back against the door, fighting back tears.

Holding her thumb, Olivia went down to the kitchen to get an ice pack. She hated to admit it, but Alex had seriously hurt her. She found Mason stirring something in a pot and ignored his raised eyebrow. After she'd gotten the ice pack and a dishtowel, she sat down at the same table she'd shared a mug of cocoa with Alex.

"Would you like a beer Olivia?" Before she'd even answered, Mason was already taking the top off the bottle and sitting it down in front of her. He then took a seat at the table and examined her thumb. "What happened?"

"Nothing."

He sighed. "What happened and 'nothing' is not an option."

"I…I…Alex…"

"You had an argument with Alex, said something stupid and she exercised some of her self-defense on you. Does that about sum it up?"

Olivia adjusted the ice pack. "I didn't say anything stupid."

"Then what did you say?"

"She had the nerve to tell me she doesn't cheat! I know differently."

"Do you?"

"What? I think we both know the answer to that Mason!"

He scratched his chin. "Do we? You have proof?"

Olivia shook her head and stood up, taking the ice pack with her. "Don't believe your own PR Mason." She had made it to the edge of the kitchen when his voice stopped her.

"Nothing is ever as it seems Olivia."

Not in the mood to listen to him she took the steps two at a time and slammed the door to her bedroom. She heard Alex leave her room sometime later and that only made her even angrier. She finally drifted off to sleep.

XXXXXXXX

Alex found Morgan waiting on her in the informal dining room and she plastered a smile on her face, trying to shake off her encounter with Olivia.

"Hey."

"Hey hot stuff. Save the world today?"

Alex's smile became genuine. "Not today I'm afraid. How about you? Ready for classes to start?"

"Just the usual. A little CGI, a little animation." She shrugged. "As for school, yeah, I am ready. I am actually looking forward to it." She leaned over and after glancing around to make sure it was safe, she kissed Alex.

"It's ok Morgan. We're alone."

"You're sure?" Alex nodded. "What about…you know, her?"

Alex linked her fingers with Morgan's. "Under strict instructions not to bother us unless the house is on fire."

"I'm kind of excited about spending the night. I feel like a baby dyke getting invited to a cheerleader's sleep over."

Alex laughed and soon all thoughts of Olivia were gone. They had a comfortable dinner and then retired to the screening room under the guise of watching the latest flick, but both knew they just wanted to make out. Even though she knew it should be safe and there shouldn't be any prying eyes, Alex was still cautious and a movie was a perfectly plausible reason for sitting close in the dark. She also kept chancing glances at the projection booth to make sure Olivia wasn't spying on them.

After the movie they settled in to the room off the kitchen and Alex presented Morgan with the wrapped box. She seemed nervous and the younger woman tilted her head in askance.

"I hope you like it. You're not exactly a jewelry and candy kind of girl." Alex shrugged.

Morgan pulled her in for a kiss. "The fact that you bought it for me means I'll love it no matter what it is. Even if it's every book Ann Coulter's ever written." Alex swatted at her.

Inside the box was a brand new laptop computer. It was a Sony Vaio loaded with all the programs and extras any computer geek could want.

"Alex…wow. Thanks!"

"You needed a new one and since classes start this week, now's as good a time as any."

She carefully sat the box on the floor and then eased Alex back She began kissing her and undressing her and soon she was down to Alex's lingerie. She raised an eyebrow at Alex and the blonde grinned at her and then slid out from under her and stood up. Her body began to tingle at the way Morgan was looking at her.

"Do you like?"

Morgan nodded and stood up dropping the rest of her clothes. She ran her hand between Alex's legs and grinned when she realized they were crotchless. She nudged at Alex until she fell back on the bed and she settled on top of her.

XXXXXXXX

The throbbing in her thumb and the buzzing of her cell phone awoke Olivia. Groaning she flipped open the phone and growled, "Benson."

"Liv, he's back in the country."

She struggled to sit up and finally asked, "What? When?" Where?"

"Three days ago. The FBI had him and then lost him. He came across the border from Canada using a passport with the name 'Emilio Valez" spelled with an 'a' instead of an 'e'e. Nobody at the border noticed the similarity until this morning."

"What? I thought we had all these measures in place to catch similar sound names etc.! What the fuck? Any idea where he is?"  
>"Yeah, anyway, they keep border video for 30 days so we got a partial on the plate. The car was found not far from the Albany Motor Court Hotel. Some low rent motel not far from the governor's mansion. We think maybe he was holed up there. The first parking ticket was dated just before midnight Tuesday."<p>

When she didn't say anything, Elliot wondered if they'd lost the connection. "Liv? You still with me?"

She cleared her throat and knew she had to be honest. "El, did anybody confirm he actually stayed there? Do a photo canvas?"

"Didn't turn up anything, but we figure he might have gotten somebody else to register."

"He followed me there Elliot."

"What?"

"I…I met Julia there Tuesday night."

"Julia? Millfield? Are you out of your fucking mind? What the hell were you doing meeting her in a low rent hotel? She nearly cost you your badge!" When she didn't immediately respond he put two and two together. "You're fucking insane! You had a booty call while you were supposed to be working? Jesusfuckingchrist! What about Alex?"

"She was having her own booty call. She was never in any danger."

"Hello? I think that while you're in the throes of divine passion that might just be when you're at your most vulnerable!"

"Oh please! She was so secure the CIA couldn't get to her. A closeted lesbian governor knows how to disappear in her own mansion. It's fine."

Elliot considered what she said and a new thought came to his mind.

"Liv, that means he followed you."

"I'm fine Elliot."

"I gotta call Hammond, get you removed."

"Don't you dare! You think I trust some green civil servant with a bad haircut to protect her? She got shot once on our watch or have you forgotten?"

"Liv…"

"Just hear me out."

XXXXXXXX

Morgan shuddered for the final time and collapsed on top of Alex, pinning the older woman beneath her. Alex had always loved to be covered by her lover's, especially Olivia. It was one of the few times in her life that she felt safe and protected.

Morgan had been disappointed when Alex refused her attempt to go down on the blonde, but had quickly gotten over it when Alex introduced a mini-vibe into their activities. Knowing they had longer than a couple of hours together, their lovemaking had been surprisingly slow and fulfilling, at least for Morgan. Alex had orgasmed and had enjoyed it, but the entire episode with Olivia had unsettled her. Old hurts had resurfaced and Alex knew they weren't going away any time soon. So for now she held Morgan to her and tried to give her what she could.

The younger woman had her eyes shut and her forehead resting against Alex's chest, trying to control her breathing. Alex heard the slightest noise and glanced at the door where she saw Olivia looking at her through the cracked door. Missing the worried look on Olivia's face, she became pissed and turned her face away from the door. Morgan had to raise her head so Alex could turn her's to the side and as she did, she caught a glimpse of Olivia as she turned away. Alex was saying something to her and she missed it.

"What?"

Alex rubbed against her. "Go down on me."

Morgan was surprised and it wouldn't be until much later when she was alone that she realized what had happened. But in that moment, she wanted nothing more than to taste Alex Cabot.

Standing outside the door was Olivia Benson. She was torn between alerting Alex and letting her have this one moment. After shutting the door, she was rooted in place and felt sick as she heard Alex begin to moan. She knew the exact moment Morgan Keller entered Alex with her tongue and it was only then that she was able to move. She hurried to the bathroom in the hall and threw-up.

Standing in the doorway to his office was Mason where Olivia had left him after informing him of the recent developments. He looked grim and shook his head, wondering not for the first time, how two women could be so stubborn. His only consolation to the current predicament was that perhaps the threat of death would bring them to their senses.


	8. Chapter 8

Olivia struggled to catch her breath as she slumped against the toilet. She had her head in her hands and was surprised when a cool cloth was pressed against her forehead. She looked up into the concerned face of Mason and tried to smile, but it fell flat.

"Mason?"

He removed the wash cloth and handed her a cup of water. He motioned for her to rinse her mouth and then to spit into the toilet. He then flushed the toilet and stuck his hand out to help her up. He gently guided her back to his office and simply sat with her until she was able to talk.

"I hate her."

Mason shook his head. "No Olivia you do not. If you hated her, whatever it is that you just saw wouldn't bother you. What you did Tuesday night, would not have happened if you truly hated her."

Olivia shook her head. "I have a job to do, so I better go do it." She started to rise but his words stopped her.

"Olivia, are you able to do this job?" He rushed to clarify. "It's not that I doubt your ability, but the governor's safety and well fare is my responsibility and if your feelings are going to cloud your objectivity…"

"Nothing is clouding my objectivity!"

He pinned her with a look. "If you are sure?"

"I am. Seeing that…it just…it rattled me."

Mason nodded. "What happens now Olivia? Do we need to do anything differently? Re-arrange her schedule, cancel appearances?"

Olivia shook her head. "Not yet. Elliot and I are working on something. Let's just wait and see what happens, ok?" She didn't wait for him to reply.

XXXXXXXXX

Meanwhile…

Morgan made quick work of Alex, who came almost as soon as Morgan shoved her tongue up into her pussy. Alex had told herself that it was because it'd been three years since anybody had gone down on her, but in her heart she knew it had everything to do with seeing Olivia watching them. Knowing her old lover had witnessed them in the act had made her bold in a way she'd never been before. One part of her hoped she was hurting Olivia and the other felt as though she was making love with the brunette instead of fucking Morgan.

In turn, Alex had made good use of the mini-vibe and feeling frisky, she asked Morgan if she could sit on her face. The younger woman was thrilled at the thought of having Alex riding her tongue and quickly agreed.

Alex settled over Morgan's face, her knees on either side of the woman's head and began rocking back and forth while her lover held her and teased her with her tongue. Alex was completely nude and holding on to the headboard of the bed, back arched and head thrown back. Morgan was lapping at her and focused on getting as deep as she could inside Alex.

Olivia had collected her thoughts and knew that she had to go tell Alex about the latest development. Her plan was to knock on the door and ask to speak to Alex and then she'd wait in the hall until the blonde appeared. She knew Alex well enough to know she wasn't a sex machine, so they should be done and cuddling by now. She kept repeating her plan over and over in her mind and was so lost in thought that she opened the door without knocking and froze at the sight before her.

She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. Alex heard the door open and turned her head to find Olivia watching her ride Morgan's tongue. She didn't stop her movements and she didn't break eye contact with Olivia. Time seemed to freeze for a few seconds. When it resumed, Olivia motioned for Alex to come to her with her finger. The blonde gave her a lazy smile and a slight nod, but continued riding Morgan's tongue.

"Alex? What's…"

The blonde looked down at her lover's young face. "Don't stop." To emphasize her point, she rocked against her lover. Alex pressed against Morgan's face and felt the first ripples of her orgasm as she held Olivia's gaze. The older woman quickly turned and hurried from the doorway. Alex fell forward and then moved down Morgan's body, kissing her and then settling on top of her for just a moment.

"I'll be right back." She slid out of bed and in a show of modesty, she slipped her robe on and pulled the door closed behind her as she went in search of Olivia.

Olivia wouldn't look at her. "I'm sorry to…interrupt, but Elliot called. Velez is back in the country and his last known whereabouts was just a few miles from here."

Alex nodded. "O-Ok. What happens now?"

Olivia looked between Alex and where she'd just come from. Following her line of sight Alex grimaced when she saw a half-dressed Morgan watching them from the doorway.

"Alex?" The blonde went to her lover and tried to reassure her.

"Olivia says they think the person who shot at me is in the area."

Unable to look at the woman, she mumbled, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but we have to move you right now Morgan. If this crackpot should breach security and something bad goes down, Alex can't afford to have to explain why you're here."

Morgan pulled Alex to her and kissed her. "Are you ok?" Alex gave her a half nod. Truth be told she wasn't ok, she was scared, but Morgan's arms weren't where she wanted to be right now.

"You need to do as Olivia says Morgan. Promise me?" Morgan nodded and allowed Alex to lead her back into the room so she could finish getting dressed and they could have a moment alone.

"I'm so sorry Morgan." Alex wasn't sure what she was sorry for and she didn't have time to think about it.

After Morgan was dressed and had packed up her things, including the new laptop, Alex grabbed her and kissed her. Then she hugged the younger woman.

"I love you Alex."

The admission caught Alex off guard and her only response was to kiss her lover longer and harder than ever before. By the time they re-emerged from the bedroom, Hammond had arrived and was going to escort Morgan home and put a protective detail on her.

Alex looked stricken as she watched her go and Olivia tilted her head up and tried to reassure her.

"She's safe with him Alex."  
>"I know. It just brings up a lot of memories I'd rather not have to deal with." She turned away from Olivia and started for the steps. Thinking better of it she turned back to face the brunette. "What next? Do I need to be relocated? Change my schedule? What?"<p>

"Nothing for the time being Alex. Elliot and I have a plan, but we have to get it signed off on first. You should go on up to bed."

Alex went to Mason's office and found him sitting at his desk. Without saying a word she held her hand out to him and he took it. He followed her up to her room with the intent of keeping vigil over her.

"Will you sit with me tonight?"

"Of course." He'd lost count over the last three years how many times he'd done this very thing.

"I'm going to shower first. I…I reek." She gave him a tiny smile.

He settled into his usual chair and was not surprised when Olivia appeared in the doorway.

"What's wrong?"

"Governor Cabot has asked me to sit with her this evening."

"I can do that."

Mason shook his head. "If she'd wanted you Olivia, she'd have asked you."

Olivia nodded and turned to leave. This time she saw the forbidden door and motioned to it.

"What's in there Mason?"

"Something that is none of your business Olivia. If Alex wants you to know, she will tell you. Good night."

In the Shower…..

Alex began to cry as the water ran over her. She was ashamed of her actions and for using Morgan. She was scared that Velez would find her and that Olivia wouldn't be able to protect her and most of all she was afraid she'd have to go back into the program and she'd rather die as do that.

She sank down in the tub and cried as the water rolled over her and not for the first time she wanted to be anybody but who she was and anywhere but where she was. The water had long since run cold and her body was beginning to shrivel when she felt strong hands lifting her up. For just a brief second she thought it might be Olivia, but she quickly realized it was Mason. She allowed him to dry her off and put her to bed, where she lay awake and staring at the wall in front of her for most of the night.

Alex was up before dawn the next morning having slept very little, and dressed casually. She pondered knocking on Olivia's door, but ended up heading down to the kitchen instead. She found mason making coffee and wearing a fresh suit.

"No matter how early I get up, you're always a step ahead of me." She touched his arm. "Thank you for last night."

He smiled at her and took in her appearance. She was wearing a black turtleneck, faded jeans and her black glasses. She'd thrown her hair into a ponytail and had just a smattering of make-up on. She looked rather fetching he thought. She also looked exhausted and weary. Grabbing a plate, he scooped a pile of eggs and a side of bacon onto it and handed it to her.

"Actually, I'm not very hungry Mason."

"Governor, your health and well fare is a part of my job. Eat."

Knowing she wouldn't win, she took the plate and sat down at the table. She shoveled several forkfuls into her mouth and a piece of bacon. After washing it all down with coffee, she put her plate in the sink and thanked him before heading in the direction of her office.

He watched her go with a sad realization. Shaking his head, he turned back to the stove and started fixing more eggs for his last charge, Olivia. It wasn't too long before the brunette made her way downstairs and into the kitchen.

"Olivia. Have some eggs."

She started not to take the plate but a shake of his head told her to just eat some of it and be done. She sat down and began to eat. She jumped when a mug of coffee appeared before her. She looked up at Mason and smiled her thanks.

"I'm going to meet with Elliot and Agent Hammond shortly. Will you please let me know when Alex gets up? I'll need to debrief her."

"She's already in her office."

Olivia was surprised but said nothing, opting to just nod. She finished her food and placed her plate in the sink before heading off in the direction of Alex's office.

She knocked and waited for Alex to invite her in before opening the door.

"Alex?"

The blonde looked up and quickly back down, too embarrassed to face her former lover after her actions the night before.

"Olivia. What do you need?" Her ears turned red and she cursed her fair skin.

"I wanted to let you know I'm meeting with Elliot and Hammond in a few minutes. Hopefully he'll sign off on our plan. I'll let you know what's going on, ok?"

Alex nodded. "Olivia?" She finally managed to meet her ex-lover's eyes. "Would you…check on Morgan, please?"

"Yeah." She turned and hurried out of the office, a visual of Alex sitting on her twin's face playing in her mind.

Alex took her glasses off, closed her eyes and laid her head down on her desk, exhaustion over taking her. She quickly fell asleep.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Capt. Benson, how the hell is it you were at the Albany Motor Court?"

Holding his gaze, she replied, "An old friend had been in the area on a job interview. She called to ask me for some help. As the governor was otherwise detained, I didn't think there would be any danger in stepping out for an hour or two."

"No doubt she needed horizontal help." When Olivia didn't deny it he swore and then fixed her with another gaze. "What I ought to do captain is remove you from this assignment, however, Governor Cabot made it quite clear that the only security detail she would accept was you and Capt. Stabler. The last thing the Marshall 's need is a dead former program enrollee. Especially one that went on to become governor of New York ." He jabbed his finger at her chest and continued, "But from now, keep your pants zipped. He looked at her and finished. "And for God's sake, bedding down with a disgraced police captain? Are you insane?"

Olivia bristled but knew better than to respond. "Speaking of lover's, Alex asked me to check on Morgan Keller."

"She's safe and sound inside her apartment. I have a two person detail on her, her phones are tapped and so is her email."

Elliot joined the mix. "You don't think she's mixed up in this?"

Hammond shook his head. "No, but if Velez was able to follow a seasoned police captain without her knowing it, it stands to reason he either knows about or can find out about Miss Keller."

Olivia glared at him.

"Now, tell me about this plan Casanova here has come up with."

XXXXXXXXX

Alex was awakened to hearing her name being called and a hand gently shaking her. A bit bewildered, she lifted her head and wiped at the drool on the side of her face.

"Mason?"

"Governor. Are you alright?"

She nodded and tried to orient herself. She looked around the room. "What time is it?"

Mason looked at his watch. "Just after 10 am." He laid his hand on Alex's back. "Alex, are you ok?"

"She told me she love's me."

Mason took a seat and regarded Alex. "And?"

Alex looked lost. "What do I do?"

Mason leaned forward. "How do you feel?"

"I care about her. Her Mason, not…well you know. These last few days have been great and I feel as though I've gotten to know her. Really know her and I like what I know, but…."

"Yes?"

"She's just a kid Mason and I've drug her into this world of cloak and dagger and now she might get hurt because of me. What have I done? How could I have been so stupid?"

"She is young; however Alex, she knew getting into bed, so to speak, with a closeted politician had its drawbacks. She's an intelligent, accomplished woman in her own right. Do you think she really entered into this blindly? She knows she is a kept woman, at your beck and call. You were very clear with her."

"She's also human Mason. She has feelings too."

"We're all human Alex. None of us can help who we fall in love with or why we love them. She has been good for you and I dare say you've been good for her as well. Four years really isn't a long time Alex. After you leave the governor's office, you can do just about anything you want, be it public service or a quiet private life."

"Meaning?"

"Let's get through this crisis first and then decide the rest of your life."

Alex nodded. "You know Mason, she doesn't ask questions. Not really. I mean, she did ask me about Olivia, but she's never asked me about the other. Not one peep." She considered what she said. "Why do you think she hasn't?"

Mason shrugged. "Either she respects you too much to ask or she's too scared of the answer."

Alex shook her head. "She just gives and gives and all I seem to do is take."

Mason sighed. "You provide for her." He leaned forward. "Stop beating yourself up Alex. Everybody's an adult in this situation."

"I certainly didn't behave like one last night."

"So I gathered."

Surprised, Alex asked, "What?"

"Whatever Capt. Benson saw last night," his raised eyebrows told her he knew exactly what that was, "it caused her to throw-up."

Alex's face flamed and she felt sick herself.

"I…it was stupid." She shook her head. "Is she ok?"

Mason smiled thinly. "What do you think?" He stood and straightened out his pants. Brushing non-existent lent from his sleeve, he nodded at her and then left.

Alex returned to her paperwork.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia was furious. Hammond had nixed her plan and told her to go back to the governor's mansion and sit tight for the time being. She'd used every logical argument she had and some that weren't so logical to no avail.

"How can he possibly justify a wait and see attitude?" She was pacing and shaking her head. "We're dealing with a person's life and those of her loved ones!"

"Liv, calm down! You didn't really think he'd go for it did you?"

She stopped and glared at him. "Why not?"

"Using yourself as bait? Becoming a sitting duck? Does any of this sound logical to you?"

"If it gets him to come out from the shadows, it's worth it. If it will put an end to this for Alex once and for all, it's worth it! And if it means I can go back to my life once and for all, then yes, it's worth it."

Elliot grabbed her. "Who do you think you're kidding? The last thing you want to do is go back to that piss poor excuse of a life you have! You're still in love with her and I'd bet a month's pay she's in love with you. You'd rather get killed saving her as to live without her."

Olivia tore away from him. "I have a life! Hell, even she has a life! And I'm only trying to do my job!"

"Manufactured relationships, one night stands and fucking a disgraced police officer is what you call a life? The closest thing to a healthy relationship you've had in the last three years was Rebecca and I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to get involved with your shrink!"

"She was not my shrink!"

"She evaluated us to make sure we were fit to be each other's partner!"

"And thanks to me and my tongue, we still are!" She let out a bitter laugh at his shocked expression. "That's right Elliot, I fucked her to convince her I didn't have romantic feelings for you! And then it just sort of became whatever and we were in and out of bed between relationships." She picked up the case folder and flung it at him. "Do you know what she said to me in that email? She said I was too damaged to ever have a healthy relationship! That flings and fucks were all I'd ever have. That my best chance for a healthy relationship had been Zoey and I'd thrown that away to chase a woman who didn't want me; Alex!"

Elliot grabbed her to stop her and held her as her body became racked with sobs.

"It's ok Liv…its ok."

"I loved her Elliot! I loved her and I believed her. I believed her when she said she loved me and that she wasn't sleeping with him! How could I have been so stupid? I snuck around with her and played her game. I was nothing more to her than what that poor girl Morgan is to her now; a distraction, a release."

Elliot continued to hold her until he was sure all of the fight was out of her.

"Liv, I may not know anything about being a lesbian, but I believe with all my heart and all that I am that Alex loved you. She was crazy about you. The way she looked at you…Kathy's never looked at me like that. You didn't see her face that day in the bullpen a couple of months after she got back and you came walking in with Zoey." He shook his head. "She was devastated. Don't you remember the way she ran out of there? The way you felt when you realized what had happened? How you went after her and didn't come back for two days?" He gave her a gentle smile. He lowered his voice. "Why you didn't come back for two days?"

Olivia had to smile. "I didn't come back because I found her." A vision of Alex beneath her, open and exposed popped into her head and she had to smile. As her smile faded, it was replaced with a sad look. She wiped her nose on her sleeve like a little kid. "That's why it hurt so bad when she lied to me. And she didn't even wait to be sworn in before she started shutting me out of her life. But I guess I know why now."

Elliot rubbed his face. "You know Liv, you never really gave her a chance to explain."

Olivia wore a mix of hurt and anger at his statement.

"Hearing on the radio that your married, but allegedly not in the Biblical sense, closeted girlfriend, who just happens to be the new governor of New York is pregnant while driving to a crime scene doesn't really require much of an explanation Elliot."


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: While I love my series Brown Eyes Blue, this story is one of my favorites. I originally wrote this back in 2008 at the height of the John Edwards scandal.**

Alex glanced at her desk clock and frowned. She thought Olivia would have been back by now and her unease gave way to fear as she imagined what all might have gone wrong. She picked up the phone and called for Mason.

"Would you please call Morgan?"

He nodded and returned to his office to use the prepaid cell phone that was used solely for this purpose. He'd left Alex starring off into the distance and looking rather pale. He wasn't gone long when he returned and informed her he had spoken to Morgan and that she was fine. She was working on a computer program and had plans to stay in the rest of the evening.

"Thank you Mason." She considered her next move and finally decided to retreat to her room. "Mason? If you don't mind…"

He smiled at her. "I've packed a bag for the duration Governor Cabot. I shall be in my office if you require anything."

She stood up and in uncharacteristic fashion, she hugged him. "Thank you Mason."

She trudged up the stairs intent on taking a nap and talking to Olivia whenever she returned.

XXXXXXXXXX

Olivia had calmed down somewhat and Elliot was now sitting next to her. He'd handed her a bottle of water and they were currently sharing its contents. He was trying to figure out how to say what he was thinking.

"What?"

"What, what?"

"I know you Elliot and I know when you've got something on your mind, so just say whatever it is."

"You won't hurt me?" She frowned at him and shrugged. "Liv, I know she didn't handle the whole pregnancy thing the right way, but Liv, have you ever thought about what she went through?"

"What she went through? What about me?"

"Liv, she lost that baby. She lost it at 4 and a half months. You've never been pregnant, but I know she had to have felt that baby move. She had to be bonded with that baby. And she lost it. Didn't you see the photos in the paper of her leaving the hospital? How sad and lost she looked?"

Olivia shook her head, getting angry again. "That was Robert's fault. That prick caused her to miscarry! Getting caught with a $20 prostitute in Harlem and enough Viagra and Meth for three men? He was higher than a kite when they found him, naked and trying to perform? Please. And to think he touched her." She teared up again and began to shake her head. "Alex miscarried two days later. I doubt that was a coincidence. She obviously had some sort of feelings for him."

Elliot nodded. "And she was alone in Albany Liv. She went through that alone."

"That's not my fault! She knew where to find me."

"Oh boy. Do you really think she felt comfortable calling you? After the things you said to her?"

"I would have been there for her."

"Because?"

Olivia looked away. Standing up she held her hand out to Elliot and pulled him up.

"I need to get back."

XXXXXXXXXX

Two hours later

Alex awoke from her nap and listened for any signs of life. She heard movement in Olivia's room and decided it was now or never. She got up and wiped the sleep from her eyes. After a quick check in the mirror she padded across the hall and knocked on Olivia's door. Not waiting for an answer, she pushed the door open and saw her old lover nude from the waist up.

"Alex!" Olivia quickly turned around, revealing her back to Alex. "What do you want?"

Alex couldn't move. She could only stare at the angry red marks covering Olivia's back. She took several steps forward and realized some of them had scabbed over and others looked a little infected.

"Your back…it looks…"

Olivia looked over her shoulder. "Oh. Don't worry about those."

Alex inched even closer. "What happened? Is it something related to Velez? Did something happen I don't know about?" She reached out and touched one, causing Olivia to jerk away. "You need to put ointment on some of these." She swallowed hard. "I could…"

Unable to hear her offer of help, Olivia lashed out at her. "Damnit Alex, those are from Julia! Not everything is tied to you and Velez."

"Julia?"

"My fuck buddy? Or have you forgotten that I like it rough sometimes?"

Alex's face flamed as Olivia's words sunk in. She held her head high and ignored Olivia's remark.

"Regardless of how they got there Olivia, they need some ointment. I have some. I'll be right back."

Olivia thought she must be crazy, and she wasn't sure which 'she' her mind was referring to. She sat down on the bed, her back facing the door and waited on Alex to return. The blonde came back and sat down next to Olivia. The brunette shivered as Alex applied the ointment to the deepest of the scratches.

Alex smiled. "Either she's in need of a good manicure or you were particularly angry Tuesday night. Given our earlier conversation, I'm betting on the latter."

Olivia didn't respond, she merely pulled a t-shirt over her head, sans bra. She turned to face Alex and they were just inches apart. She wanted to reach out and kiss Alex, but the look on the blonde's face stopped her.

"Liv?"

"Yeah?" She was intently watching Alex's lips.

"I'm sorry about last night." Color began to rise on Alex's neck and then her face. "What I did…it was inappropriate. And disrespectful. I'm sorry." She stood up and quickly moved out of the room.  
>Olivia watched her go and felt butterflies in her belly, something that hadn't happened since the second time that they became lovers.<p>

The two women had spent the rest of the day and night avoiding each other and it wasn't until something awoke Olivia and she went down to the kitchen that they came face to face.

"Alex? Is everything alright?"

The blonde wiped at her eyes and nodded.

"Are you sure? If something happened, you need to tell me. Even if it doesn't seem important."

Alex shook her head. "Nothing happened Olivia." She stood up. "I'm going back to bed. I'll see you in the morning."

Olivia turned in her chair. "Alex? If you need anything…."

Alex didn't turn around, she just nodded and continued on up the steps.

Olivia stayed up well into the night thinking about her conversation with Elliot and Alex and all that had happened between them. Getting nowhere, she climbed the steps and stood in front of Alex's door. Unable to control herself, she pushed the door open and watched Alex sleeping from the doorway. She could tell the blonde was having a bad dream and before she could stop herself she was in the room and touching Alex. The blonde calmed immediately and Olivia sat on the floor for the remainder of the night until dawn when she slipped out of the room.

XXXXXXX

Tuesday Evening

"I don't care Olivia, I need to see her."

Olivia rolled her eyes and threw her hands up. "It's not safe Alex! We haven't seen or heard a peep out of Velez in a week."

Alex looked up at Olivia and pinned her with the look. "I need to see her."

Olivia rounded on her. "Do you really need it that badly? Is she that good?"

They'd been arguing about this for the last hour and Olivia was fed up with Alex's stubbornness

Alex threw her pen at Olivia. "Don't be crass! I need to see her."

"Why?"

Alex tried another tact. "Olivia…please. She started classes this week and even though you keep telling me she's safe, I need to see that for myself." She looked down. "I brought her into this Olivia and she's my responsibility."

Olivia sighed. "Fine. I'll see what I can do." Olivia hated to admit it, but she completely understood where Alex was coming from. "I'll have Elliot bring her here, but you need to be quick Alex. Like 15 minutes quick." She was looking at Alex questioningly.

"Fine."

As soon as Olivia let Alex know that Elliot was on his way to pick Morgan up, Alex hurried upstairs to change her clothes. She had just made it back downstairs when Olivia signaled her. Alex made her way to the servant's room and in moments Morgan was reaching for her and closing the door.

"Alex, what's going on? I have some guy following me around campus, sitting in front of my apartment. What is it? This is more than some crackpot, isn't it?"

Alex managed to nod and tried to figure out how to explain what was going on.

"Morgan, I can't tell you what's going on. I'm sorry. You're right, it's more than just a crackpot, but please, don't ask me anymore and just do what they tell you. Promise me?"

Morgan searched her face and finally nodded. She pulled Alex to her and held on for dear life.

"How was school?"

Morgan smiled at her. "Only you'd ask me about school at a time like this." She kissed Alex. "It's good to be back in that environment." She moaned as Alex slipped her hand under her shirt and stroked her belly. "How long do we have?"

Alex smiled. "Not long, but I can be quick." She slid her hand beneath Morgan's waistband and down into her panties. Finding her lover's tight bud of nerves, she began to stroke, causing Morgan to moan. Alex picked up her pace and increased the pressure. She watched Morgan's face and knew when she was close. She kissed Morgan as the younger woman's orgasm began to overtake her.

"Alex…"

"Shhh. It's ok. It's ok."

Alex smiled at her and slowed her movements, bringing the woman down slowly.

"I love you."

"Morgan…"

"Shhh. I know Alex but I just wanted you to know how I feel even if…" She shrugged.

Alex smiled at her and finally removed her hand from Morgan's pants. She looked around for a tissue, but Morgan grabbed her hand and licked her fingers clean. Then she kissed Alex's forehead and smiled at her.

"Promise me you'll be just as careful as you've asked me to be?"

Alex nodded. "I will. We should go."

They found both Olivia and Elliot waiting on them in the kitchen. Elliot made a show of acting busy and Olivia simply sat watching the door. She tracked Morgan's every movement and felt her nostrils flare at the way the woman was touching Alex.

"Morgan, I'll be taking you back to your apartment."

Alex looked between Elliot and Olivia. "Why Olivia?"

Elliot stood. "It's better this way Alex. Don't worry, she's safe with Liv."

Alex could only watch as her lover and former lover disappeared around the corner.

XXXXXXXXXX

Olivia kept looking in the rear view mirror as she drove Morgan home and even though she couldn't see Velez, she could feel him.

"This has to do with her shooting doesn't it?"

Olivia looked over at the younger woman. "What?"

"I'm not stupid."

"It's better that you don't know specifics, ok?" She felt bad for her younger version. "Look, she didn't tell you to keep you safe, ok?"

Morgan nodded. "I know."

"You do?" Olivia was surprised.

"I understand more than she thinks. And I know more than she thinks." Morgan seemed to be deep in thought. "You promise you'll take care of her?"

"Of course. It's my job."

"That's not why you're doing this. If it was, I wouldn't do what I'm about to do."

"What are you talking about?"

"Look, you've asked me to trust you to keep me and Alex safe and I have. Now I need you to trust me, ok?"

Olivia looked at her and saw the determination on her face. "I can't promise anything Morgan."

"I'm not gonna do anything stupid Olivia. Just trust me."

The brunette pulled into the parking lot of the apartment complex and glanced around before giving Morgan the ok to exit the car. She walked the woman up to her apartment and followed her inside, checking the apartment for intruders.

As she got ready to leave she made sure the door to the apartment was open. She pulled Morgan to her and whispered, "Just go with whatever I do Morgan. It's for your own safety, I swear." She captured the woman's lips and kissed her long, deep and hard. She pulled back, smiled at the woman and gave her another quick kiss.

She hurried down the steps and back to her car. She did a quick check to make sure nothing looked out of place. Sliding behind the wheel, she headed back to the governor's mansion, checking her rear view the whole way.

XXXXXXXXXX

While Olivia was Gone

"I don't suppose you're going to tell me what's really going on?"

Elliot gave a slight shake of his head. "Alex…"

"Never mind. You'll tell me when you think I need to know. Sort of like Hammond."  
>"Alex! We are not keeping you in the dark. There's just nothing concrete right now."<p>

"But you guys have a hunch?" Alex had worked with them enough to know their hunches were usually right.

"Yeah, we do."

"Ok." She looked at Elliot. "I'm trusting you to tell me what I need to know as soon as I need to know."

Elliot nodded. He looked down and tried to figure out how to bring up the next topic. He finally settled on being direct.

"Alex, I never got to tell you how sorry I was about everything that went down with Robert and your baby."

Alex's face looked shocked and she paled.

"Uh, thank you Elliot."

"Kathy and I, we never lost a baby, so I can't imagine how you must have felt, but…"

"This is not a topic for discussion Elliot."

He was surprised. "I just…"

"Elliot." Her voice was stern and held a warning.

Before anything else could be said, Olivia came through the kitchen.

"Olivia? What's wrong?" Alex was afraid something had happened.

"I kissed your girlfriend."


	10. Chapter 10

Alex came around the table and looked at Olivia. "Why?" She looked between Elliot and Olivia. "What's going on?"

Olivia's brow creased. "I just told you I kissed your girlfriend and all you say is 'why?'"

Frustrated, Alex shook her head. "Morgan wouldn't cheat and you're not a home wrecker, so there must be some other reason you kissed her and I'm betting it has to do with Velez." She considered what she'd just said and frowned. "And that means either you or Morgan are being targeted by him." She looked up into Olivia's eyes and took a step closer. "And you would never leave her if she were the target, so that means…it's you."

"It's under control Alex."

"How? How do you know you're being targeted?"

Olivia looked uncomfortable and glanced at Elliot for help. He bowed his head, leaving her on her own.

Olivia motioned for her to sit down and took a seat at the table. Elliot eased out of the kitchen so the two women could talk. He went to Mason's office and holed up, hoping there wouldn't be any fireworks.

"I don't. Not exactly."

Alex looked pissed. "Tell me."

Olivia told Alex about meeting Julia at the Albany Motor Court, the border video and parking tickets and the plan Hammond had nixed.

Alex thought about what she'd just been told and was furious with Hammond for nixing the plan, Olivia for even considering the plan and Elliot for just being Elliot.

"Putting all of this aside Olivia, it still doesn't explain why you kissed Morgan."

"Velez is interested in you. Either he knows we have history or he doesn't but he knows he has to go through me to get to you. He may think it's too hard to get through me so he'll start looking around. Do you want him to find Morgan?"

Alex shook her head.

"So it's better if he thinks she's with me."

Alex gave her a tight smile. "Thank you." She stood and pushed her chair back in. "We have a busy day tomorrow and the next. Unless that's changed?"

Olivia shook her head. "It's easier to guard you in the smaller towns than the city. High powered rifles tend to stick out on Main Street ."

Both women smiled at her comment.

XXXXXXXXXX

Olivia was exhausted and she had to admire Alex's stamina. The woman had been going since before dawn and still looked fresh. They'd done a tour of the Catskills and Olivia hadn't known there were so many country fairs in one area. Alex had been gracious to a fault and posed with many little old ladies.

The only time Olivia had seen her falter was when a woman had wanted to take her photo holding her newborn. Alex had visibly flinched and then realizing how that might appear, she feigned a leg cramp.

In the end she'd held the baby as if it were her own and she'd even hesitated in handing it back to the woman. Olivia thought Alex's eyes were a little more watery than they should be, and she'd offered her a warm smile.

They were spending the night at a lodge in the famed resort town and Olivia couldn't wait to take a hot shower and go to bed. Her relief at finally getting to their lodging was short lived as she was informed she'd have to share a room with Alex. The blonde hadn't seemed bothered by the revelation, but Olivia cursed the gods for doing this to her. She even thought she saw Mason faintly smile.

While Alex had a final debriefing with her staff, Olivia took her shower and called Elliot who'd followed them all day. He'd only whistled when she told him she had to share a room with Alex.

She found Alex already dressed for bed and reading the local paper when she emerged from the bathroom.

"You must have some sort of stamina Alex."

The blonde smiled. "Lots of practice. And hot showers first thing in the morning." She looked at Olivia. "How's your back?" Olivia shrugged. "I brought some ointment. Let me take a look."

Reluctantly, Olivia sat down with her back to Alex and raised her shirt. Alex began doctoring her scratches and Olivia decided to bring up the topic of babies. Namely, Alex's baby.

"I saw you with that baby today Alex." The blonde's hands faltered. Olivia looked over her shoulder. "I…I'm sorry about your baby Alex." Alex stilled her movements and Olivia turned to face her, pulling her shirt down. "I'm sorry you went through…"

Before Olivia could say any more, Alex pulled away from her. "Thank you but that is not a topic for discussion." She reached over to cut out the light, but Olivia unable to resist any longer, kissed her. Alex felt the brunette's lips on her own and stiffened. She pulled away and glared at Olivia. "Stop it. I don't cheat Olivia. Not then and not now." Olivia opened her mouth to say something but before she could, Alex reached over and cut out the light. "Good night Olivia."

Stunned, the brunette finally got off the edge of the bed and made her way to her own bed. She was unsettled by Alex's attitude but sleep finally won out.

Midway through the night she was awakened by Alex's crying. She called to the blonde and when it became apparent she was still asleep, she went over and tried to awaken her. She tried gently shaking her and then harder, finally getting a slight response. She sat down on the edge of the bed and leaned over the blonde, taking her by the wrists.

"Alex…Alex…come on baby…"

Hearing Olivia, Alex jerked awake and tried to move her arms, meeting resistance. Becoming panicked at not being able to move, she started fighting Olivia and struggling against her.

"Alex, calm down! Stop fighting me!"

"Stop it!" She struggled harder and growled, "Take your hands off me and don't ever touch me again!" She became more agitated and started kicking at Olivia who was now standing, but still holding Alex's hands.

"Relax Alex!"

Olivia leaned in to try and calm the blonde, and she took the opportunity to head butt Olivia, landing a blow to her nose.

"Owe! Fuck Alex! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Don't you ever touch me again! This is not happening again! You're not doing this again!"

Olivia was holding her nose, which was bleeding and trying to get away from Alex. There was banging on the door and Olivia could hear both mason and Elliot shouting. She crawled over to the door and opened it and Elliot knelt beside her and Mason was tending to Alex.

"What the hell happened Liv?"

He'd handed Olivia his handkerchief and she was trying to get her nose to quit bleeding.

"She was having a bad dream and I tried to wake her up. Next thing I know she's head butting me!"

Mason had gotten Alex calmed down and the blonde looked terrified.

"Olivia? Oh God, I'm sorry. I was having a nightmare."

"Obviously. About what?"

Mason stepped in and answered for Alex. "Her shooting. She has night terrors about it from time to time."

Alex looked grateful and finally nodded. "Velez." She shrugged.

Elliot took the entire scene in and finally nodded. Olivia had gotten her nose to quit bleeding and didn't think it was broken, just sore.

"Governor Cabot, will you be ok the rest of the night?"

Alex nodded. "Yes." She looked at Olivia. "Liv?"

She nodded. "Yeah."

After the men had left, Alex dug around in her bag, producing both a bottle of aspirin and a nightlight. Without a word she handed Olivia the bottle and plugged the nightlight in.

As she turned the light off once again she said, "I'm sorry Olivia."

XXXXXXXX

The Next Day

Olivia's nose bore a distinct bruise and it was dark beneath her eyes, causing her to have to wear sunglasses. Elliot had examined her and grimaced when he saw her nose.

"Damn Liv. That looks painful."

"It is." She shook her head. "I think I screwed up last night."

"What did you do?" He was looking at her with those ice blue eyes and she fought the urge to squirm.

"I kissed her."

"And then she hit you?"

"No! I kissed her she pulled away, told me she wasn't a cheater, which I know to be a lie, and then cut out the light." Olivia considered what she said. "Hmm. Maybe that's what caused her dream?"

Elliot chuckled. "You got some nerve Liv. You're accusing her of cheating because she got pregnant by her husband. Her husband! She was married to him when you two hooked back up so technically…."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I cheated with her, blah, blah, blah. You sound exactly like her, but she lied to me! And even if it was her husband, she was still doing the naked pretzel with me so ergo, she's a cheater! She can't say she's not a cheater because she cheated with me." She scratched her head. "Does that make sense?"

"Oddly, yes it does. But I still say there's something more to it and you didn't give her the benefit of the doubt."

They were interrupted by Alex herself. She had an ice pack in her hand and shyly handed it to Olivia. She cut her eyes at Elliot who took his cue and left them alone.

"I thought you might need this." She grimaced as she examined Olivia's nose. "I really am sorry Liv. I just…I was having a bad dream and then when I woke up and couldn't move freely…" Catching herself, Alex turned her head away from Olivia.

"I'm sorry too Alex. I shouldn't have kissed you. I…it's just been a very long time since somebody even tried to take care of me and…this whole thing has just…." She shrugged.

"I know." She gave Olivia a warm smile. "I need to get back out there. There are donations to be had!"

The rest of the day passed by fairly quickly and they arrived back in Albany by 7 that night. Olivia watched as Mason pulled Alex aside and handed her a note. Alex's face became concerned and finally she nodded. She looked up and locked eyes with Olivia. She gave a slight tilt of her head and the brunette nodded. She followed Alex upstairs to her room.

"What is it Alex?" Alex handed Olivia the paper and she read it. "Oh. What do you want to do?"

Alex crossed her arms. "It would probably be best to meet with him."

Olivia nodded. "Ok. Why?"

Alex looked surprised. "What why?"

"Uh, how about this is your ex-husband, he embarrassed you by going to a hooker and then getting caught right after you were elected and…he caused you to miscarry." She looked away as she said the last part.

Alex's eyes went wide. "You don't know what you are talking about Olivia. Now, I need to see him and you need to not be here when I do."

Olivia was pissed at Alex. "You need to see him? Classic! Fine, you can see him, but I'm going to make my presence known Alex. It's my job!"

Alex now looked terrified. "No Olivia. You can't be here when he comes."

"I'm your security detail Alex and for all we know he could be involved with this." It sounded good. And for all she knew it could be the truth, though she doubted it.

Alex stepped closer to Olivia. "Liv, please. Don't be here or at least don't be visible when he is. Please."

"Why? Tell me Alex." Realization dawned on her. "Oh God, you still have feelings for him! What the hell is going on with you?" Olivia smirked. "Are you going to bed with him?"

Alex slapped her, catching the brunette off guard. "For your information he knows about us." She waved her hand, "Or what used to be us."

Olivia held her hand to her face. "What? How…we were always careful Alex. And why does it matter? You said you had an open marriage or whatever, so why does it matter? And that was three years ago."

Alex wrapped her arms more securely around herself. "No we weren't Olivia. The night I was elected we were careless. Robert saw us." She looked down. "He 'saw' us Olivia. He watched us making love that night." Alex's face flamed. "I'm sorry."

Olivia rocked back on her heels. "Oh." Her anger flared at the thought of Robert watching her and Alex doing something so intimate. "As…tacky as that was Alex, again, why did it matter?"

Alex turned her back on Olivia. "Apparently he never considered that our arrangement or whatever you want to call it, might include my lesbianism." She looked over her shoulder. "Robert and I have an agreement. Now, please be scarce when he's here." She went in for the kill shot. "It's an election year."

Olivia shook her head. "I should have known." She stalked out of the room and went down to speak with Mason and Elliot.

XXXXXXXXXX

Alex had changed into comfortable clothing in anticipation of Robert's visit. Mason had let her know the details of Robert's arrival. Olivia hadn't been around and Alex didn't know where she was, she just hoped she'd stay hidden.

Mason escorted Robert up to Alex's room. He hesitated when Alex asked him to leave, but assured him she would be ok.

"What do you want Robert?"

"Is that any way to greet me?" He stepped forward and took her hand.

Alex yanked it back and narrowed her eyes. "What do you want Robert. I'm busy."

He smiled. "Yes, it is an election year." He glanced around the room. "I'm surprised you moved into this room, after I…left. We had such good memories in the other room." Again he smiled at her. "We made a baby in that room."

Alex brought her hand forward in an attempt to slap him. Robert caught her hand and pulled her to him. He pushed his hand into her hair and brought his lips down on hers. She struggled against him.

"Stop it! NO!" She brought her knee up into his groin. He'd managed to turn his body so that his hip took the brunt of the blow.

"You bitch!" He grabbed her by the upper arms and was trying to force her over to the bed. Alex struggled against him and continued to say 'no' and 'stop' over and over. Robert brought his hand up and as Alex watched him, her eyes grew wide and she flinched, preparing for the blow that didn't come.

Olivia had been in her room eavesdropping and as soon as she heard the scuffle, she came into Alex's room. Seeing Robert's hand in the air, she rushed him and grabbed it, wrenching it back and causing him to howl in pain. She wrestled him to the ground and put her knee in the middle of his back.

"Get off me you damn dyke!"

Olivia looked up at Alex. "Alex? What do you want me to do?"

Alex was now standing. "Let him up Olivia. I need to hear what he has to say."

Olivia yanked him up so that he was facing the blonde.

"It figures she'd be here. Didn't you learn anything the last time?"

Alex was shaking with anger. "What do you want Robert?"

He glanced behind over his shoulder at Olivia. "Seeing as she's here, I'll forgo asking you for some pussy…" He gasped as Olivia tightened her grip on his arm. "Ouch! This is police brutality! Fine. I need aother political favor."

"No."

He raised an eyebrow. "Lesbian governor in an election year."

Alex never broke her stare. "Dead boy in Harlem."

From behind Robert, Olivia spoke up. "Blackmail of an elected official."

"Call your dyke off Alex. I have some info about Emiliano Velez. Or at least I assume that's who it was."

Olivia dropped her hold on Robert and turned him to face her.

"What is it?"

Robert proceeded to tell them about the young Columbian man who appeared at his office asking questions about Alex. He pretended to be a reporter from a rag looking for dirt on Alex. Robert had refused to speak with him, but had been smart enough to pull the security tape, which showed Velez getting into a Mercedes. He'd printed out the photo and had the tape in his car.

After conferring with Elliot and Hammond and showing them the photo, Olivia went looking for Alex. She had agreed to meet with Robert in her office, as long as Mason was present. She arrived at the office just as Robert was leaving and she glared at him. Mason escorted him out of the mansion.

"Alex?"

The blonde glanced at her and then back down at her paperwork.

"I'm tired Olivia and I just want to go to bed. Can this please wait until tomorrow?"

"No. I want to know what all that was about Alex."

Alex looked at her with weary eyes. "I'm tired Olivia. Please, just let me go to bed. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Olivia didn't want to let it go, but something about the way Alex sounded gave her pause and she finally gave in. She walked up the steps behind Alex and stopped her at her door.

"If you need anything…."

Alex nodded. "Thank you. And thank you for what you did tonight."  
>Olivia watched the blonde disappear into her room as the door shut behind her. Remembering something Robert had said, she went down the hall and slipped into what she realized was the master bedroom. She took a quick look around and saw a door that she knew wasn't a closet or the bathroom. She had her hand on the doorknob when she heard muffled sobs. She started to open the door, but the vibrating of her phone stopped her. She stepped out of the room to take the call. It was Elliot debriefing her on Robert's information. <p>


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: The next couple of chapters are dark. Very dark.**

Alex had managed to avoid Olivia for most of the day, but after Mason had given her a message regarding delivery of a package, she'd had no choice. Mason had said Morgan was insistent on needing to see the governor ASAP. Alex felt uneasy, and wanted to see her lover sooner rather than later.

"This isn't wise Alex."

The blonde looked up from her desk blotter. "Just make it happen. Please."

Olivia sighed. "I'll do my best." She hesitated before continuing. "We still need to talk Alex."

From behind black frames, piercing blue eyes regarded the brunette.

"You have five minutes."

Olivia sat down. "What dead boy Alex?"

"There is an old saying in D.C.: The only thing worse than being caught with a live woman is a dead boy. Robert was stupid enough to be caught with one of each." She shrugged.

"There wasn't anything in the papers about that."

Alex simply looked at her. "No, there wasn't. Being the husband of the governor has its perks."

Olivia was incredulous. "You swept it under the rug?"

"Hardly. As my…husband, Robert had his own security detail." She considered how much to tell the brunette. "Mason was notified and he handled the details."

"The details? Alex, a boy died! You can't just make that disappear."

"I didn't make anything disappear Olivia. I didn't do anything at all. It was a drug overdose. He was a 16 year old runaway hustler with a Meth addiction. His family was found and notified, his body was flown home for burial and his crack whore mother who first traded him for a fix when he was 12 received a cash payment."

"I can't believe you! Just like that?"

Alex nodded. "Just like that." Drawing up her courage, Alex managed to meet Olivia's eyes. "Welcome to the world of politics Olivia. Now, would you please go bring my girlfriend to see me?"

Stunned, all Olivia could manage to do was nod and hurry out of the office.

Alex removed her glasses and call for Mason. She told him about her conversation with Olivia to give him a heads up.

"Alex." He used her first name to ensure he had her attention. "Painting yourself in a harsh light wasn't necessary. You made yourself look like a…bitch, when the truth is far from it."

"She doesn't need to know any more than necessary Mason."

He knew he'd been dismissed.

XXXXXXXXXX

Olivia brought Morgan to see Alex and after sneaking her upstairs to Alex's room, she'd gone in search of Mason. While on her way to pick up Morgan, she'd called Elliot and asked him to dig around in Robert's drug bust.

After Mason alerted her to Morgan's arrival, Alex made her way up to her room and found the younger woman waiting in her bedroom.

She made her way to her lover and kissed her, surprised when the brunette wouldn't let her take it deeper.

"Morgan, what is it? Has something happened?"

Morgan looked down at her hands and willed the words to come out of her mouth.

"There's a woman in my class, all three of them actually. She's a lesbian and we've gone out with some other classmates the last three days. Last night I went out to that lesbian bar on 6th and she was there." She managed to look at Alex. "I…I slept with her. I slept with her and it was good and we clicked and…" She shrugged.

Alex shook her head and then smiled at Morgan. She cupped the woman's face and kissed her.

"Alex? Didn't you just hear what I said?"

"You really do love me."

"What?"

"You're lying to me Morgan Keller. And you're lying because you love me and you have some sort of noble sense…" Alex considered what she'd just said and realized the woman before her really was a younger version of Olivia.

Morgan laughed nervously. "Why would I lie about this Alex?"

Alex cocked her head. "Why would you Morgan?"

Morgan stood up and walked away from Alex. "I've seen the way you look at her Alex. I know about the photo. All of them. I found them one day while I was waiting for you and the way you look at her." She shook her head. "The way she looks at you." She turned back toward Alex and shrugged.

"Morgan, that's…over. We can't go back."

Morgan laughed. "Alex, it's not done. There's electricity between you two and even if you never get back together with her, you're never going to look at me the way you look at her. Maybe you won't ever look at anybody else that way, but I deserve to have somebody look at me that way."

Alex nodded. "You do Morgan and I do love you in my own way."

"Just not the way I need you to Alex. I didn't mean to fall in love with you. It just happened."

Alex stood and went to her. She hugged the younger woman and then kissed her.

"You're a remarkable woman Morgan and some woman will be lucky to get you."

"I'll find a place to live as soon as possible."

Alex smiled. "You have a place to live Morgan."

"But…"

Alex shook her head. "No 'but's' Morgan. I see no need for our financial arrangement to cease. Minus the weekly booty call's of course."

Morgan shook her head. "I can't…that's not right."

Alex placed a finger on her lips. "I told you already Morgan that I've provided for you. It's the least I can do. You've been good for me whether you know it or not." She kissed her again. "Stay in touch, ok? A weekly call to Mason for the next month and then bi-weekly. Please, just do it for me."

Morgan started to leave and turned back. "How'd you know I was lying?"

Alex smiled. "Women like you don't cheat. Ever." She ruffled the brunette's hair. "And you don't boast about your conquests." Again she smiled at her. "Is there a woman in your class? Someone who's piqued your interest?"

Morgan looked shy. "Yes. She gave me her number but I haven't called her. I swear!"

"Call her. If you're interested. Be happy Morgan."

Morgan leaned over and kissed Alex one last time. "You too Alex."

XXXXXXXXXX

Alex had once again avoided Olivia and slipped upstairs to her room after leaving her office. She'd informed Mason of her conversation with Morgan and had asked him to relay the situation to Olivia.

She was saddened by the turn of events, but not heartbroken or devastated. She did care for the younger woman but after talking with her and having her 'Olivia epiphany,' she knew it was for the best. And if she could just be honest with herself, she knew that no matter what had happened with Olivia, the woman still had her heart. And she hated that.

She decided a nice long soak in the tub would do her wonders and filled the tub. She put her ear pods in and closed her eyes, letting the music take her away.

After meeting with Mason and finding out about Morgan, Olivia went to take a conference call with Elliot and Hammond and others from the Marshall 's. She was still trying to move them on her idea in an effort to bring things to a head and they still weren't budging. They had however agreed to run a probability outcome analysis on it, which was the first step to getting the idea approved.

After the call ended, Olivia had called Elliot back to see what he might have found out about Robert's bust.

"That case is sealed Liv."

"Sealed? Well that doesn't pass the smell test."

"Nope. I uh, called Munch. He consults now you know and has contacts all over. If it can be gotten to, he'll get it."

"Thanks El."

"No problem." He paused. "How's Alex?"

"Avoiding me. Speaking of which, I think it's time I pay her a visit. Things aren't adding up Elliot."

"Be careful Liv."

XXXXXXXXX

After her soak, Alex had slipped into a t-shirt and boxers. Sure no one would come looking for her at 7pm on a Friday night; she opened the door to her sanctuary and collapsed into a nearby chair. She let her tears fall, more a reaction to the events of the last 24 hours than to any pain she might be feeling.

She wrapped the small blanket around her and curled up, hoping she could get some sleep. As she closed her eyes, images of Robert and Olivia filtered through her mind and instead of growing sleepy, she started becoming more and more angry. And hurt.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia had knocked on Alex's door while she was soaking in the tub, and not getting an answer, she went into her own room to change her clothes. She opted for a pair of lounge pants and a wife beater.

Still hearing no signs of life from Alex's room, she went back down to the master bedroom and slipped in. Another check of the bathroom showed that nobody had been there in quite sometime. As did the closet.

She spied the door from the night before and went over to it. Turning the handle, she found that it was unlocked and pushed the door open. The first thing she noticed was the décor and the second thing was the very pissed face of Alex Cabot.

"Alex?"

The blonde was furious and now standing.

"Get out of here!"

Olivia stood frozen, unable to move. She took in the room. The walls were a pale yellow with chair molding and there was a mural painted on one wall. The furniture was antique white.

Olivia looked at Alex. "I never knew you wanted a baby."

Alex was shaking her head. "I didn't. I don't."

Olivia threw her hands up. "This room sort of says otherwise Alex. It's been three years, yet this room is still a nursery." She shook the railing of the baby bed and looked around at the changing table, basinet and chest of drawers. She glanced at the mural. "You even have Humpty Dumpty painted on the wall."

"Get out Olivia. Please."

Realization settled in and Olivia reached for Alex, pulling the blonde to her.

"Oh baby, why didn't you tell me? I'd have understood."

Alex pulled back from Olivia. "Understood what?"

"That you were only sleeping with Robert to get a baby. We could have worked something out Alex." She was shaking her head. "And you went through all of that alone. Alex, baby…"

Alex jerked away from Olivia. "For the last fucking time, I did not cheat on you!"

Olivia considered this. "I can see how you wouldn't view it as cheating." Her eyes brightened. " Turkey baster?"

Alex pulled completely away from her and turned her back. "You're not listening to me! I did not cheat on you, I did not want a baby and there was no turkey baster!"

Olivia felt the blood drain from her face. She felt dizzy and she tried to take a deep breath.

"He…he raped you?"

Alex started shaking and closed her eyes. "Only the first time."

"The first time? What the hell are you talking about?"


	12. Chapter 12

**Graphic Warning**

Alex shook her head. "I am not having this conversation with you. It's over and we've both moved on." She tried to move around Olivia who stepped in front of her.

"No Alex. Tell me. Tell me what he did to you."

Alex trembled. "Please don't make me."

"What did you mean by 'only the first time?'?"

Alex swallowed hard. 'The night of my inauguration… I was in the shower after everything was over." She looked at Olivia. "I'd just tried calling you again, but you didn't answer." She nodded. "Anyway, I got in the shower and…Robert got in too."

XXXXXXXXXX

3 yrs Prior

"Robert, what are you doing?" Alex was shocked to see her husband in name only naked and standing behind her in the shower.

He smiled at her. "Taking a shower with my wife, the governor." He moved in closer to her and she soon had her back against the shower wall, trapped.

"Robert? We agreed…"

He grabbed her arms and held them above her head. "We agreed that I'd do my thing, you'd do yours and we'd both benefit. I never figure you for a dyke Alex."

Alex felt her blood run cold. "What are you talking about?"

His face went from friendly to evil and he tightened his hold on her. "Don't lie to me. I saw you two together the night you were elected. Quite insatiable is the good Lieutenant Benson. And the way you moaned her name. You were all splayed out and moaning like a two dollar whore, begging her to go deeper, harder and the words coming out of your mouth….a sailor would have blushed."

"What I am really isn't any of your concern Robert. It has nothing to do with our deal."

She could feel his erection poking at her and she began to feel fear mixed with panic.

"Oh but it does. I didn't call in favors, invest money and arrange introductions for you to throw it all away for some cunt sucking mutt." He covered her lips with his own and she struggled against him, finding it hard to get any leverage because she was wet.

She struggled against Robert and the water running down her face, making it hard to see.

"What do you want?"

"Why have a plastic dick when you can have a real one?" He scooped her up and pinned her to the wall of the shower with his body. Before she could react, he pushed into her.

"Robert! Stop!"

He moved in and out of her with short, powerful thrusts.

"Robert, please! Please stop!"

A few more thrusts and she could feel his warmth spreading inside her. He withdrew from her and then held her up while he scrubbed her with the washcloth. He turned the shower off and pulled her from the tub.

In shock, Alex mumbled, "You raped me."

"No, I just taught you a lesson about politics Alex. You'd best keep her tongue out of your pussy. And in the meantime, my dick will take its place."

Alex was shivering. "What?"

"From now until I tire of you, we will have relations as a married couple."

"You're insane."

He smiled. "No, just smart. I have video of you and your whore. I can destroy you before you ever get started Alex." He handed her a towel. "Now, come to bed. The night is still young."

"I'm not going to do this Robert."

He grabbed her by the arm. "Yes you will and don't even think about calling her. Very bad things can happen to people Alex. You remember what happened to Conti, don't you?"

"What did you do?"

He just smiled at her and motioned to the bed. As soon as Alex got into bed, he climbed on top of her and she felt herself leaving her body.

XXXXXXXX

Alex couldn't bear to look at Olivia so she turned her head. Olivia gently touched her chin and turned her face back toward her.

"Alex…oh God. How long?"

Alex shrugged. "Almost every night for 6 weeks, and a few times a week. I only got relief when I traveled. I started taking a lot of trips. Remember what the press said about me? 'Always Away Alex'?"

"And you got pregnant?"

"Not…not from the rape. I had my period a few days after that, but sometime after that."

"Alex, they were all rape! Coercion is rape!" She had a sickening thought. "Did he hurt you and that's why you miscarried?"

Alex shook her head. "No…I stopped fighting after the 5th or 6th time. I just laid there praying for it to be over."

"Why didn't you call me?"

Alex felt her anger begin to boil. "And just what would Rebecca have thought about that? You do recall you'd already started fucking her don't you?"

Olivia's anger matched Alex's. "Hearing on the radio that your girlfriend is pregnant sort of signals the end of a relationship, don't you think?"

Alex shook her head. "You were so quick to believe I'd betray you. You didn't even give me the benefit of the doubt! And you said all those horrible things to me! So you tell me Olivia, just when was I supposed to call you for help?" She jabbed her finger at Olivia. "When were you supposed to leave your new girlfriend and come riding to my rescue? And don't forget he threatened you Olivia!"

Olivia was shaking her head. "I would have come for you Alex. As for threats, I get them all the time. All cops do. You know that."

"He had something to do with Ben Conti's death Olivia."

"Alex, the guy was a state senator driving back in the middle of the night, during a snow storm. He fell asleep and went off the side of the road."

"Don't be naïve Olivia. This is high stakes politics. Conti was my closest rival for governor." She shook her head.

Olivia grabbed her hands and tried to pull Alex to her. "Why didn't you contact me after his bust? After you…miscarried? What's the excuse for that?"

"Don't make me go down this road Olivia."

The brunette's anger flared. "Tell me! Tell me why you wouldn't call me? Reach out to me? I had quit seeing her by then. You had to have known that?"

"Leave it alone Olivia." Alex's voice held a clear warning.

Olivia grabbed her more forcefully and shook her. "Answer me!"

"Or what? Are you going to rape me too? Prove you really are your father's daughter?"

Olivia couldn't help it, her right hand shot out and connected with Alex's cheek. Both women looked shocked.

"Alex…"

The blonde lunged at her and they toppled over, Olivia landing on top of her. She looked down into Alex's eyes and before she could stop, she was kissing Alex. The blonde struggled against her, scratching and tearing at her. Olivia's response was to fight back and soon she had Alex on her stomach and she'd ripped her shirt almost all the way off. She reached between Alex and the floor and tried to get her hand inside her shorts.

Alex used a self defense move to flip them and she was on top of Olivia, pulling, scratching and hitting her. She ripped Olivia's wife beater and began screaming at her.

"I loved you and you thought the worst of me! I needed you and you weren't there!" She slapped Olivia again and again, tears streaming down her face. "I did it to protect you!"

Catching Alex at a weak moment, she flipped them so that she was back on top.

"I never stopped loving you. I still love you!" She now had tears falling down her face. She released Alex's hands and bent to kiss her. The blonde bit her tongue and shoved her hand into Olivia's panties and began to stroke.

"Oh God…Alex."

Once again Alex flipped them and gasped as Olivia finally got her fingers inside Alex. The blonde rode her fingers and shuddered violently against Olivia's fingers. She was half naked and scratched as was Olivia. She bent down and kissed the brunette and inserted first two and then three fingers into the older woman.

She added a fourth and as Olivia gasped, she growled, "Take it."

"Oh God yes."

Alex began riding Olivia's leg, leaving wetness with every slide.

"Do you want it all?"

All Olivia could do was nod and then gasp as Alex began fisting her.

It wasn't long before Olivia's scream pierced the stillness of the nursery.

Alex finally stopped moving her hand and had to fight to keep the bile down as she withdrew her hand and saw the blood on it. She stood on rubbery legs and ran into her bathroom, throwing up bile and whatever else was in her stomach.

She brought a washcloth back into the nursery and handed it to Olivia. She was crying now and unsure of what to do.

Somewhat recovered, Olivia tried to pull Alex to her.

"Baby…."

"Leave."

"Alex…"

"Please. Get out of my daughter's room and leave me alone."

Olivia stood up in what was left of her clothing and stared hopelessly at Alex.

"I love you Alex."

"Please just go!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Stunned, Olivia wondered out of Alex's room and back to her own. She went to the bathroom and further cleaned herself. She looked at herself in the mirror and examined the scratches and quickly forming bruises that dotted her body, and her tattered clothing. She turned the cold water on and splashed her face. She removed what was left of her shirt and changed her panties.

"Oh Alex." She changed her clothing and decided to go find Mason. She needed answers and he was the most likely place to find them. She went down the steps and to his office, only to find it empty. She then went to Alex's office and found it empty as well. She went back up the stairs and stuck her head into Alex's room. She heard a voice and soon realized it was Mason.

She stepped into the room and quietly made her way to the bathroom. Looking inside she saw Mason helping Alex out of the shower and talking to her in a soothing voice.

"It's ok Alex. Just let me take care of you." He was trying to get a warm towel around her.

Olivia caught sight of her lover's body and grimaced at the scratches and bruises on the blonde's body. Alex's face was blank and her eyes had a far away look. She was clutching at Mason. Her eyes found Olivia's and widened. Mason followed her line of sight and frowned at Olivia. He turned back to Alex and nodded at her. He turned back to Olivia and motioned for her to leave and he followed her.

Once they were in the hall, he pointed for her to go downstairs and started walking in that direction. Once they were in his office, Olivia rounded on him.

"Did you know?" He simply stared at her. "Did. You. Know?" When he still refused to answer her she slammed her fist down on his desk. "Answer me!"

"My loyalties are to Governor Cabot."

"Answer me! Did you know what he was doing to her? Did you let it happen?"

"Certainly not!" Catching himself, he clenched his jaw. "Olivia, had I known what was going on, I certainly would have done something. I was unaware of what was happening until…"

"Until what?"

He looked away. "The first time I found her sitting in the shower, shivering and crying."

Olivia closed her eyes and shook her head at the thought of Alex going through that trauma.

"Why didn't you contact me? You know I would have come."

Mason's eyes narrowed. "You abandoned her Olivia in her darkest hour. You failed her."

Olivia shrank before him and finally collapsed into a chair in front of his desk.

"That's what you meant. Not Velez." Mason raised an eyebrow at her. "I would have come."

"She had no way of knowing Olivia. You were rather…harsh in your last communication with her."

"She shut me out. Even before she says that happened she was shutting me out."

Mason shook his head in exasperation. "My God Olivia! She had just been elected governor of the state! Do you really think she had time for romantic get-away's? There were days she'd fall asleep standing up!"

Olivia looked chastised and hung her head. "Why does she still have that room decorated as a nursery?"

Mason's eyes gave nothing away. "I will not discuss the governor's baby with you."

Olivia shook her head. "She never mentioned having a child. She was focused on her political career, on the greater good. She genuinely believed she could make a difference. It wasn't just arrogance. She thought her purpose was a life in the public sector. She never said anything about wanting a child." Olivia scratched her head. "She said it was her daughter's room. She knew she was having a girl?"

Mason shifted. "Olivia, I will not discuss this with you. I suggest you ask Governor Cabot about these things and if she wants you to know, she will tell you." He leaned forward. "For the time being, leave her alone. She often needs…time after these episodes."

Effectively dismissed, Olivia went back upstairs to call Elliot. She paused outside Alex's room and heard her quiet sobs. She started to go in, but remembering Mason's words, she continued on to her own room.

"Liv, what's up?"

"Believe me, you don't want to know. Listen, remember Ben Conti, Alex's main opponent for governor?"

"Yeah. Fell asleep while driving and slid off the road. Sad ending to a brilliant career. Why?"

She sighed. "Pull his file. Get Warner to look over his autopsy results, ok?"

"Why? What's going on?"

"Elliot, just trust me on this, ok? Please?"

He was silent for a minute. "This have anything to do with Alex?"

"You know it does."

"How are things between you two?"

Olivia glanced down at her scratched arms. "Different."

"Different? What's that supposed to mean?"

She considered how to talk to him without giving up Alex's secret. She decided on going with something that was publicly known, the pregnancy.

"She was having a girl. A daughter."

Unsure how to respond to that, he said, "Oh." He considered what she'd just said. "She was what, 4, 4.5 months pregnant?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"How'd she know she was having a girl?"

"What? Ultrasound I guess. Why?"

"Maybe. Hell, what do I know? Eli's five and we didn't want to know his sex."

"What? What are you going on about? She had an ultrasound…I guess."

"Never mind. I'm sure you're right, they just usually can't get a clear picture of the baby's sex until a little later. But whatever."  
>"Have you gotten anything from Munch on that boy?"<p>

"Funny you should mention that. Munch is meeting with one of his sources as we speak. I'll let you know."

"Good."

He heard the distance in her voice. "What's going on with you and Alex? You guys…you know?"

Olivia let out a bitter laugh. "Oh Elliot, I'm not even going to discuss that with you." She looked at her bedroom door and disconnected the call.

She went into the bathroom and got ready for bed. Her body hurt, but in a good way and as she lay down to go to sleep, she couldn't help but think about Alex's hand fisting her. They'd never done that before and her experience with fisting was decidedly limited, but it had been violent and arousing all at once. She sighed and pulled the covers over her head.

Several hours later she was awakened by a hand shaking her.

"Liv? Liv, wake up."

"Alex? What's wrong?"

Alex seemed to falter now that Olivia was awake.

"Will you…will you hold me?"

Olivia nodded and moved over in the bed, holding the covers up. Alex shook her head.

"Not here. I mean, not this bed. This is the bed where Morgan and I…you know." She stood and held her hand out. "My bed? Please?"

Olivia rubbed her eyes and rolled out of bed, taking hold of Alex's hand. The blonde led her across the hall and into her bedroom. She got in first and turned on her side, silently inviting Olivia to slide in behind her.  
>Olivia settled in behind the blonde and noted how her body seemed to fit perfectly with Alex's.<p>

"Are you ok?" She felt Alex nod.

A tiny voice asked, "What about you? I…I did that to you. We never…Unless you have?"

She pulled Alex more tightly against her. "It's ok." And she didn't know why, but she felt the need to answer Alex's other question. "Julia and I have…done that. Just once or twice, so you didn't hurt me."

"Do you love her?"

"Julia? No."

"Not in any way? I love Morgan, but not like…not that way."

Olivia exhaled. "My situation with Julia is fucked up Alex. She almost cost me my badge, framed my brother for rape, lost her job." She shrugged. "It's just sex. I'm not even sure I like her. I don't know why I go to bed with her."

"Because it's easier than taking a chance on getting hurt again. On getting involved emotionally."

"Is that what Morgan was?" Alex nodded.

"I'd like to go to sleep now Olivia."

XXXXXXXXX

A throat being cleared awakened both women. Olivia rolled in the direction of the sound and Alex buried her head deeper into the pillow. The brunette got one eye open and saw Mason standing in the doorway.

"Capt. Benson, you have a telephone call. Capt. Stabler has been trying to reach you for the last hour on your cell phone. He sent me to check why you weren't answering, afraid something might have happened. I can see he was right." Olivia disentangled herself from Alex and glared at Mason.

"Not that it's any of your business, but Alex came and got me last night. She wanted to be held."

"Indeed." He handed her, her cell phone. "I will go fix breakfast. Please come down after you finish your call."

XXXXXXXXX

"Liv, they signed off on it."

"On what?"

"Your plan. They're as desperate as we are to have this over with. Velez has gone underground after his run-in at Robert's office."

"Oh wow. Ok, so when?"

XXXXXXXXXX

She found Mason downstairs in the kitchen with a plate of breakfast waiting for her. He served her and when she asked where Alex was, he pointed upstairs.

"Why?"

"The Marshall's finally signed off on my plan. I need to coordinate with Alex and you."

She stood up and he stopped her.

"She's probably in her sanctuary Olivia." His raised eyebrow told her what he meant.

She knocked on the closed door and getting no answer she entered the room. She saw a light coming from under the door of the nursery and she slowly opened that door, revealing Alex curled up in the chair with a baby blanket wrapped around her. Olivia walked over and sat down on the floor next to her.

"Alex? Sweetie, I need to talk to you. They've signed off on my plan."

Alex seemed to ignore her. "After I found out I was pregnant, all I could think about was you and how if I was going to have a child, I wanted to raise it with you."

Olivia brushed a lock of hair out of Alex's face. "We never discussed children Alex."

"No, but I was stupid enough to get pregnant, wasn't I?"

Olivia hadn't considered any of the logistics of Alex getting pregnant.

"Why didn't you go get on birth control Alex?" She hadn't meant for it to come out as accusatory but that's exactly the way it sounded to her own ears.

"There were marks Olivia. And I didn't want to have to explain them to my doctor. You really can't trust anybody when you're in politics Olivia." She looked at the brunette and away again. "The doctor who confirmed my pregnancy passed Robert in the hall as he was leaving. There's a medical exam room in an older wing of the mansion. He congratulated Robert. Before I knew what was happening, Robert had issued a press release about my pregnancy. I never wanted you to hear about it on the radio. I'm sorry."

Olivia shook her head. "It's all water under the bridge now Alex. I was wrong. I should have trusted you, asked questions instead of just assuming." She leaned in closer to the blonde. "I'm sorry Alex. I'm sorry for all you've been through and that I put you through. I still love you Alex."

Alex moved away from her. "There's just too much water under the bridge Olivia. I'm sorry. " She stood and walked over to the door. "You said something about needing to brief me on your plan?"


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Darkness continues…..**

Alex, Mason, Olivia, Elliot and Hammond were all in her office discussing Olivia's plan. The idea was to flush Velez out by making him think Alex was vulnerable. They were going to issue a press release stating that Alex had collapsed at a campaign stop and would be taking a few days off to recover, outside the governor's mansion. The plan was to send Olivia and a decoy to a remote cabin in the Catskills and then lay in wait for Velez.

They would dispatch a different set of information to each of her three security details, thereby narrowing down the source of the leak in the previous attempt on her life. The lodge where the cabin was located would be teaming with officers from every government alphabet agency, minimizing the possibility of something going wrong.

"Do you have somebody who can pass for Alex?" Olivia nodded toward the blonde.

"We'll find somebody." Hammond was already dialing on his cell phone when Alex spoke up.

"I'll do it."

"Governor Cabot, that's not wise."

"He's right Alex…"

"Elliot, Mason, this isn't up for debate." She looked at Olivia for help. "Liv?"

"Alex…"

Hammond jumped into the fray. "Governor Cabot, it doesn't matter what you or anybody else in this room thinks; the Marshall 's will not put a civilian in this position."

"I am no ordinary citizen Agent Hammond. And I won't be a party to putting more people at risk to save my life. If you don't allow me to do this, I will blow this operation by going on TV at the very moment I am supposed to be recovering."

Olivia glanced around the room. "Could you all please give us a minute?"

Once they were all out of Alex's office, Olivia leaned over her desk.

"What are you doing Alex?"

The blonde pinned her with ice blue eyes. "This started a long time ago Olivia, when it was just you, me and Elliot. I gave up two years of my life and some say maybe more for this cause. I'm not naïve enough to believe I would have been elected governor at such a young age without this case. Everything that has happened since Velez has been because of Velez." She held Olivia's gaze. "Everything Olivia. And I'm not about to back down now." She glanced away and then back. "I won't let you do this without me. Please don't ask me to sit safe and secure somewhere while you're in some cabin, a sitting duck with somebody who looks like me."

"You could die Alex. Really die, not witness protection die."

Alex gave a faint smile. "So could you Olivia. And if that happens…" She shook her head. "Besides, it's an election year. Think of the bounce I could get from this!"

Olivia had to laugh at the mischievous look in Alex's eyes. "Oh please, your opponent is some old man who has a snow ball's chance in Hell of winning. Even if you came out as a lesbian!"

"You can never be too sure in politics Liv." She looked at the brunette. "Thank you for understanding about this."

Olivia left the office to go find Hammond and everybody else. It was going to be one hell of a thing to sell everybody on, but she knew Alex would be true to her word about blowing their plan.

XXXXXXXXX

After an hour of very heated conversations, yelling and borderline tantrums, Hammond finally agreed to Alex's desire to be the actual mark and not a decoy. The plan was to announce Alex's collapse on Sunday afternoon as she was scheduled to attend a large Catholic church the next morning, followed by a pancake breakfast fundraiser.

Hammond left to arrange the 'safe house' and put everything into play. He'd glared at all of them as he left, which really did nothing to anyone.

Mason had offered to fix them all a late lunch, early dinner and everyone agreed. Elliot, Olivia and Alex sat around the table after eating. The conversation was light and inconsequential. They were interrupted by Elliot's cell phone and he went away to answer it.

"How are he and Kathy doing?"

Olivia smiled. "It was a long hard journey, but they finally made their way back to each other. Eli was a blessing I think." She realized what she'd said and started to say something, but stopped at Alex's look.

"It's ok Olivia. Really, it is."

Elliot sat back down and shook his head.

"What?" Olivia was afraid Hammond had changed his mind.

"Eli was sick this morning so Kath took him to the urgent care clinic. He had to get a shot." Elliot grimaced. "Poor Kathy. Kid hates needles worse than anything. Threw a fit and landed a kick to the doctor's groin."

They all chuckled.

"I can't blame him. I hate needles too. I almost broke Mason's hand when I had my amnio." She shuddered at the memory.

Elliot and Olivia shared a look at her admission. She realized what she'd said and immediately dropped her head.

"I was 40. At my age the doctor thought it prudent to do the test."

"That's how you knew it was a girl."

At Elliot's statement she looked between him and Olivia. Busted, the brunette shrugged an apology and then glared at Elliot.

"Yes." She rose. "If you'll excuse me, I need to go upstairs."

Watching her walk away, Olivia turned back to Elliot.

"Thanks a lot! Now she knows I've been talking to you about her baby!"

He shrugged. "I'm sorry!" He looked at Olivia and then at the steps. "Why don't you go talk to her or something? I'm going to go check in with Hammond ."

"Oh sure, leave me to deal with your big mouth!"

He was already out the door as she spoke. She took a deep breath and trudged in the direction of the stairs to hell as she'd come to think of them.

XXXXXXXX

Before climbing the stairs, she thought of something she wanted to ask Mason and headed down the hall to his office. He seemed to be waiting for her, which unnerved Olivia.

"How often do you find Alex like that? In the shower, shivering?"

He considered her question. "Early on, quite often. After Robert was dealt with and out of her living space, it decreased dramatically. And after she came to have her arrangement with Miss Keller, they stopped altogether. That is until she was shot at."

Olivia nodded. "Alex said you were with her when she had her amnio?"

There was the tiniest of flinches in Mason's eyes and anybody not looking wouldn't have caught it, but Olivia did.

"Yes."

"And?"

"And Governor Cabot had her amnio at the behest of her doctor. As you may recall, she hates needles." He shrugged.

Olivia smiled. "I'm glad you were there for her Mason. I assume prick could have cared less?"

Mason sniffed. "Indeed."

She nodded and went to find Alex.

XXXXXXXXXXX

She found Alex in the nursery once again. She was hunched over with her arms resting on her knees.

"Alex?"

The blonde didn't look up. "Elliot gone?"

"Yeah. Alex, I don't want you to think I've been running around discussing your personal business. Just…after yesterday and everything that happened and what you told me, well, I just needed somebody to talk to. And you didn't seem to keen on talking to me about it." She shrugged even though the woman couldn't see it.

Alex took a deep breath. "I know. If there are any two people on the face of this earth that I trust, it's you and Elliot."

Olivia smiled. "Not Mason?"

Alex let out a gentle laugh. "Of course. Mason just never registers as being of this world." Her smile faded. "He's been a true confidant to me these last few years."

Olivia grew serious. "I'm glad that you've had him Alex." She paused. "If it couldn't be me."

Alex looked at her. She shook her head. "There's just too much that's happened Olivia."

The brunette fell to her knees in front of the blonde.

"No, there's not! Alex, I love you and I know you love me. I know."

Alex's eyes were watery and she nodded. "I do, but it's too late."

Olivia was shaking her head. She wasn't going to lose Alex again. "No baby, it's not! We'll get through all of this and then we'll figure it out Alex. I promise."

A single tear was slowly making its way down Alex's cheek. "I thought of her as our baby Olivia. Ours."

Olivia was unsure of where Alex was going, but nodded as if she understood. She reached out and thumbed the tear away from Alex's face.

"Ok. Alex we can…we can have a baby, get a baby or something. Whatever you want."

"No!" Alex wailed. "You don't understand! I had a baby and I…"

Olivia looked into her eyes and nodded. "You lost her. It's sad Alex, but it happens. It happens."

Alex shook her head no and pounded her fist into Olivia's chest as her tears came harder.

"I had an abortion Olivia! I didn't miscarry, I killed her. Even after I felt her move!" She collapsed against Olivia sending them to the floor of the nursery. "I was too weak. Too much of a coward."

All Olivia could do was hold onto her while she sobbed.


	14. Chapter 14

They'd been lying on the floor of the nursery for close to an hour and Alex had finally cried herself out. All Olivia could do was hold her and rub her back as she sobbed uncontrollably.

Alex rose up and wiped at her eyes. "I'm sorry."

Olivia shook her head and smoothed Alex's hair away from her face.

"It's ok Alex. It's ok." She hesitated. "Do you want to talk about it?"

The blonde sat up and looked around the room. She shook her head.

"I just, I wasn't strong enough Olivia."

Olivia nodded. "Alex, having a child of rape…it's a lot. Not everybody makes the same decision as my mother and honestly, she might have been happier if she'd not had me or given me away."

"No! That…that didn't matter Olivia. Once I found out and knew you were gone, it was a comfort to think I'd have a child. How that child came to be was irrelevant to me."

"Then why'd you have an abortion Alex?" She was now sitting up and watching Alex.

"The amnio…was abnormal. One of the tests was abnormal so they ran another test and it took another week to get the results, but they'd told me it was a girl, and that the tests usually came back fine. That the number should be normal." She shook her head. "But it didn't. It showed that she had Lowry-Coffin Syndrome, a severe defect and that she'd be mentally retarded." She shook her head again. "I couldn't Liv. I couldn't do that alone. She would have been a special needs child and they require a lot of time Olivia, and I didn't, wouldn't have had that to give to her." Her tears started again. "I didn't give her a chance."

Olivia pulled Alex over into her arms. "You did what you thought you had to do Alex."

"I was weak Olivia. Katie Tolliver's mother made the decision to have her Olivia. I was in a far better place financially to have her. She could have had the best care money could buy."

"Shh. No Alex. She wouldn't have had the one thing Katie's mother was able to give her; attention. You…you made a logical, well thought out decision. You didn't have her because you couldn't give her what she needed. How fair would it have been to have her and then relegate her to a nanny?"

"I wanted to call you so badly Olivia. I needed you and you weren't there. I know it's silly, but I felt as if I'd failed you." She shook her head. "And you'd said those horrible things to me…you hurt me Olivia, and then it all happened."

"Oh God, I'm sorry Alex. I'm so sorry. Please, please forgive me? I just…you'd left me once and then when you came back…you didn't come to see us. And then we you did…you were engaged to Robert. I just…I don't know. I got scared and I didn't want to get hurt again. Losing you the first time killed me."

Alex touched her face, forcing her to look the blonde right in the eyes. "Liv, when I came looking for you and saw you with her and then you came after me, it was one of the best days of my life. And I told you about Jim and my arrangement with Robert, I was sure you'd tell me to leave, but you didn't." She smiled at the brunette. "And then you drug me into that less-than-three- star hotel because we couldn't wait and we stayed there for two days making love. I knew I was the luckiest woman in the world." She looked down. "How could you have doubted me?"

"I…I don't know. Foolish and insecure I guess. I hate that you went through this alone. I hate that he did that to you. And I hate myself for not being there for you."

"I wasn't alone. I had Mason. He arranged everything and held my hand." She took Olivia's hand. "I didn't trust the doctor's here, so I had him call Melinda to get a referral."

"Warner?" Alex nodded. "Did she know who it was for?" Alex nodded. "She never said anything. She…she knew about us…" Olivia blushed, "from you know."

Alex smiled. "Walking in on us in the morgue?"

They both laughed at their unconventional choice for alone time during the campaign. It was the one place they both knew nobody would come looking for them, or were likely to find them.

"She's a doctor; even the dead have a right to privacy."

"I know. I just wish I'd known."

"Do you hate me? For having an abortion?"

"What? No, of course not." She kissed the blonde's hand. "Alex, I don't think any woman wakes up one day and says, 'I'm gonna go out and have an abortion.' I don't think most women make that decision lightly and I know you and I know you didn't come to the decision without a lot of thought."

"You forgive me?"

"There's nothing for me to forgive. You need to forgive yourself."

Alex hugged her and buried her face in Olivia's neck.

"Take a shower with me?"

Olivia was caught off guard. "A shower? Like a shower shower or a shoooower?"

Alex smiled. "Just a shower." She looked away. "I haven't showered with anybody since…since that night. The night he…the night Robert Shelton raped me." It was the first time she'd ever said that out loud or to anybody else and while it sounded foreign to her, it also seemed to free her.

"Ok baby. If you're sure?" Alex nodded and stood up. She held her hand out to Olivia and helped her up.

"I'll call down and let Mason know that he doesn't need to come check on me." She smiled at Olivia and went into the bedroom and dialed his office. After a brief call she joined Olivia in the bathroom, looking amused.

"What?"

"He asked if I was showering alone or with a friend." She shook her head. "Only Mason."

Both women stood in the middle of the bathroom, facing each other. Neither had removed a single item of clothing and both grinned. Olivia was the first to move and started with her shirt. She glanced up at Alex as she fiddled with her bra and grew nervous when the blonde hadn't moved to take anything off.

"Alex?"

She cleared her throat. "I'm just…I feel vulnerable. You're going to see my body and know what I've done."

Olivia placed her finger on Alex's lips. "Shh. Know that I love you."

When they were finally naked, Alex motioned for Olivia to step into the tub first. She took a deep breath and stepped in front of her, but remained facing her. Reaching behind her, she turned the water on and let it wash over her. She pulled Olivia underneath the spray of water and managed a small smile.

Their breasts grazed each other and Olivia's nipples immediately hardened. She was trying to figure out what to do with her hands when Alex stepped into her and wrapped her arms around Olivia. She lay her head on Olivia's shoulder and silently cried. Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and tried to soothe her.

Eventually she took the washcloth and cleaned Olivia's body, mindful of the scratches she'd caused the day before. After cleaning the brunette's body, she washed her hair and then watched as Olivia returned the favor. As the water started to cool, Olivia reached behind Alex and shut the spray off.

Stepping out of the shower, Olivia grabbed a towel and dried first herself and then Alex off. She settled Alex on the toilet seat cover and began combing her hair. She smiled down at the blonde and leaned in to kiss her. Alex moved away and shook her head.

"I'm not…I don't want to make love with you Olivia." She shook her head. "I mean, not tonight. Not yet."

Olivia smiled at her. "I was only going to kiss your forehead Alex." As she leaned in and grazed Alex's forehead, her breast was right at mouth level on the blonde. Alex cupped both breasts and looked up at Olivia.

"Don't tempt me."

They shared a laugh and then Alex was pulling Olivia into the bedroom and handing her a pair of boxers and a t-shirt. She dressed in the same thing and then picked up the phone to call Mason.

"Mason, Olivia and I are going to be in for the rest of the night. We'll be staying in my room. Can you please fix a plate of fruit and bring it up in a little while?" She smiled as she hung-up.  
>Olivia squirmed. "Uh, Alex, if we're not going to be doing the naked pretzel, what exactly are we going to be doing?"<p>

Alex climbed into her bed and patted the space next to her. "We're just going to 'be' Olivia."

Olivia climbed in next to her and stretched out. "Huh?"

Alex immediately snuggled in to her and lay her head on Olivia's shoulder.

"I haven't slept with anybody since everything happened. Not really. I'd make poor Morgan go away after we'd been intimate and even when I traveled and she met me somewhere, I'd slip out of bed and sleep on whatever else was available once she went to sleep. How about you?"

Olivia rubbed Alex's head and smiled in the darkness of the room. "Pretty much the same. It used to drive Kurt crazy. He finally asked me to move in with him so I'd have to stay the night." Alex chuckled.

They spent the next hour talking about everything they'd missed out on over the last three years. It was a random conversation that never strayed to the point of being uncomfortable, but was always truthful. Eventually Alex dozed off, exhausted from her earlier revelations. Olivia was somewhere between wakefulness and sleep when she heard a light knocking on the door.

Easing away from Alex, she opened the door and ushered Mason back into the hallway.

"Sorry, but she's sleeping. She's exhausted I think."

Mason held up the tray of fruit and cheese and two bottled waters. He noticed Olivia seemed to be more relaxed.

"She told you."

Olivia nodded. "I don't suppose it would do me any good to try and guilt you for not calling me?"

Mason sniffed. "No, it would not. I'm just glad she finally told someone. Someone who loves her regardless of what she does. It was a very dark time for her Olivia. And it has been a source of great pain for her."

Olivia nodded and took the tray back into the bedroom. Sometime during the night they awoke and snacked on the fruit and drank their water. Alex snuggled back down into Olivia and fell back into a deep sleep until morning, when Mason once again awoke them.

XXXXXXXXX

St. Anthony's Church

Elliot had been livid that they were going to fake Alex's collapsing in a church, but had gotten over it when Olivia glared at him. They'd gone over everything with Alex and the plan was for her to collapse and Elliot would carry her out of the church and into a waiting car. The car would then take her to a local hospital where she'd be 'examined' and ordered to rest. The hospital spokesperson would read what the doctor, who just happened to be on the Fed's payroll, said.

On cue, Alex crumpled to the ground and Elliot was right there to scoop her up and into the waiting car. The priest had stopped Elliot and quickly done a blessing over Alex, causing Elliot to glare once again at Olivia.

Alex was whisked away to Good Shepherd Hospital and met with the doctor who was going to order her to bed. Hammond was there and handed the spokesperson a prepared statement to read. They made sure to let the public know that Alex would be recuperating in the Catskills starting immediately and for the next three days.

After a quick trip back to the governor's mansion under the guise to pack and collect her staff, the caravan of cars pulled out for the Catskills. The press was already waiting at the gates of the mansion and Alex managed a feeble wave. Olivia was sitting besides her watching every person in the crowd.

The ride was silent and after they were safely on the road, Alex allowed her body to relax into Olivia and was soon fast asleep.

Olivia spent the entire ride reviewing the layout of the cabin and surrounding area and making notes. She felt her ankle holster to make sure her extra gun was sitting snug against her leg. Then she peered into her fanny pack and checked the unmarked gun she'd gotten from Elliot, who'd gotten it from Munch. She wasn't taking any chances with Alex's life.


	15. Chapter 15

After arriving at the cabin and making a preliminary check of the surrounding area, everyone retired to their respective cabins. Mason and Elliot were in the cabin next door and Hammond and various agency operatives were sprinkled through out the resort.

Olivia shut the door and made sure it was secure. She then went to each room in the cabin and checked all the windows and locks and closed all the drapes. When she'd finished that, she went back into the kitchen where she found Alex cooking.

"Alex?"

The blonde looked at her and smiled as she stirred the post on the stove.

"Yes?"

"What are you doing?"

"Don't look so surprised. I'm cooking."

"Cooking? Alex Cabot doesn't cook."

Alex spooned some sauce up and held it out to Olivia to taste. The brunette was skeptical and cautiously nibbled at the spoon. Surprised at how good it taste, she eagerly accepted the entire spoon.

"Good?"

"Surprisingly yes." She ducked as Alex threw the dishtowel at her. "I'm just sayin'…" She closed the distance between them and kissed the blonde. It was a chaste kiss. "When did you learn to cook?"

Alex shrugged. "After Robert left I was a mess. For obvious reasons. I wasn't really eating what the staff prepared and would often wander down to the kitchen in the middle of the night and fix a peanut butter sandwich. " She grinned. "This drove Mason crazy and he finally told me that I needed to learn to cook. So I did. With his help." Her eyes grew soft. "It ended up being therapy for me and I think Mason knew I needed something to distract me. Cooking was it."

Olivia smiled at her. "When are we eating?"

Alex looked at Olivia's lips and then licked her own upper lip. "Soon. Very soon."

Olivia got Goosebumps at the way Alex said that. And at the way the blonde was looking at her. And at the way the blonde looked period. She was in casual Alex mode and Olivia couldn't think of anything sexier.

Alex knew she was being watched with a less than platonic eye and gave a small grin as she turned back to her sauce. She had noodles boiling on the stove as well and added a drop of vegetable oil to keep the noodles from sticking together.

"It's almost ready Olivia. Why don't you set the table?"

They were almost through with dinner when Alex broke the tranquility of the meal.

"So, when do you think Velez will try to kill me?"

Olivia sputtered and spewed and then coughed uncontrollably. "What?"

Alex put her napkin down and asked again, "When do you think he'll try to kill me?"

Olivia shook her head. "I…I don't know Alex. Do you have to be so direct about it?"  
>"The last few years have taught me that if nothing else Olivia. Be bold and just go for what you want." She looked away. "That is what I did with Morgan after all."<p>

Seeing the opening she'd been waiting for, Olivia jumped on it.

"About that…what made you go down that road?"

Alex shrugged, considered how to answer the question and finally just jumped right in.

"After that night in the shower I realized just what I'd gotten myself into. Exactly what my life was going to be about for the next four and hopefully eight years. Spousal rape is horrible under the best of circumstances, but imagine being the governor of a state. Liv, I couldn't go to the police, call the rape crisis line or anything. And that's the irony; I am the most powerful woman in the state and yet I was powerless against Robert." She shrugged. "If I couldn't do anything about it, how do women with much less than I handle it?" She considered her words and then nodded. "So, everything became compartmentalized. The things I had to deal with, the things I had to do, everything. Especially my feelings. As a prosecutor I had to put my personal feelings aside, but Olivia, being governor is…it's hard.' She chuckled at her own words. "Kind of an understatement, huh?"

"So it was just…easier?"

Alex nodded. "I couldn't very well go out to a gay bar, could I? And then there was the issue of you." Alex wiped her mouth, buying time before being honest with Olivia and herself. "I saw that item in the Ledger about you and him and it sent me reeling. A fling was one thing but to be described as somebody's 'long term relationship' just set me off. And then I saw her and all I could think about was how much she resembled you and then I wanted her. More appropriately, I wanted you and she filled in nicely. The first time we had sex, all I could think about was you. I was doing you, but then she wanted to go down on me and I realized or admitted, that she wasn't you and I wouldn't let her." Alex shrugged. "Weird, I know."

"Alex…Kurt and I were never serious. Or at least I wasn't. And we only dated for a few months." Olivia grinned. "Of course, in my post Alex dating life, that did qualify as a long term relationship!"

They shared a laugh and then grew quiet again. Alex seemed to be working up to something and Olivia gave her the space she needed.

"When I got the test results I knew that I couldn't…couldn' t have her. And I also knew that governors don't go around having abortions. Not even in New York State . So on top of this horrible decision I had to make, I had to orchestrate a miscarriage. Can you imagine anything so distasteful? I felt guilty for doing that and then to have to add that on top of it? To have people sending me sympathy and well wishes? It was awful."

"Alex, I am so sorry you had to go through that." She shook her head. "Can you ever forgive me for the things I've done?"

Alex thought about what she'd said and finally nodded.

"Liv, it just is what it is. It's in the past and…" She shrugged.

They began clearing the table and afterwards they settled in on the couch, Alex's head in Olivia's lap.

"Alex?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you want a child? Have you considered having another child or trying?"

Alex stilled her movements even her breathing. "I…I don't know. It's not like I've had the time to consider it. And then there's the public life thing. I can't very well show up pregnant with no explanation, can I?"

Olivia ran her hands through Alex's hair. "I suppose not." She began rubbing Alex's arm. "In a perfect world would you try again? You know, if you weren't the governor and all?"

"I don't know. The other thing being governor has taught me is to not day dream. It serves no purpose."

"Well, I'm not the governor so I have no ban on day dreaming. And right now Governor Cabot, I'm having some pretty steamy day dreams about me and you." She let her hand glide down to Alex's breast and thumbed her hardened nipple.

Alex moaned and turned onto her back, giving Olivia better access. She arched her back as the brunette slipped her hand underneath her shirt and stroked her stomach. She was making her way down to the waistband of Alex's pants when the blonde stopped her.

"What?"

Alex shook her head. "I'm not ready Olivia. I want you, but I'm just not ready." She pulled Olivia's hand to her mouth and kissed it. She rolled off the couch and went into the bedroom, leaving a very aroused Olivia on the couch. The brunette let her head fall back and she sighed at the injustice of it all.

Olivia did one last check in with Elliot and Hammond and then re-checked all windows and doors before going into the bathroom to get ready for bed. When she finished, she hesitated, unsure of where Alex would want her to sleep after getting stopped cold by the blonde earlier.

"Alex?"

In the darkness of the bedroom, Alex raised her head. "What?"

"Where…should I sleep?"

"In here. Unless you don't want to?"

Olivia didn't have to be asked twice. She crawled into bed with Alex.

"I just wasn't sure after earlier and all."

She snuggled into Alex and was surprised when all she felt was a t-shirt and Alex's bare hip. A tiny, thin t-shirt.

"Alex? Are you wearing underwear?"

She sighed. "A thong."

"Oh." Olivia felt her heart rate quicken and sent up a prayer to God that she didn't orgasm just from holding Alex.

Alex smiled in the darkness and for good measure; she wiggled her butt against Olivia. She almost laughed when the brunette moaned.

XXXXXXXXXXX

2 Hours Later

Alex awoke and turned so that she was facing Olivia. The brunette had rolled onto her back and was blissfully unaware of Alex.

Alex lay watching her for the next half hour, organizing her thoughts and feelings about this woman and everything that had happened in the last three years. And then she allowed her mind to return to their past and how much joy Olivia had always brought into her life, even when they were fighting. And those thoughts turned to their lovemaking and how she'd never felt more complete in her life than when she was making love with Olivia.

She began rubbing the brunette's belly and slowly made her way down to Olivia's waistband. When the only response was a soft moan, she slipped beneath the waistband and ran her middle finger through Olivia's folds.

Olivia gasped and jerked awake.

"Alex?" Her voice sounded strange.

The blonde kissed her. "I want you."

"Okay!" Olivia's voice was several octaves higher than it should have been.

Alex leaned down and began kissing her and rubbing her, sliding her finger between the brunettes's wet folds. Olivia tried to roll over so that she was on top of Alex, but the blonde shook her head.

"What?"

"I'm in control Olivia."

Olivia's clit twitched at the way Alex said that, and a new round of wetness seeped out of her.

"You like the thought of that, don't you?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Huh?" Alex gave a sharp tug on Olivia's pubic hairs, causing her to gasp.

"Answer."

"I…I don't know."

Alex sighed and twisted the hair in her hand. "Olivia."

"Ok…I think it's hot. The thought of you fucking me makes me hot and achy and horny. Ok?"

Alex bent and kissed her, nipping at her lower lip. "Do you have it?"

Olivia was trying to think of what Alex was talking about, but having her hand down her pants wasn't helping. Alex gave another tug, waiting for an answer.

"Liv? Do you have our friend?"

"Oh! Yeah."

Alex arched an eyebrow. "Sure of yourself?"

"N-No. I just…if something goes wrong and I or we both…die, I didn't think having my harness and dildo lying around the governor's mansion would look to good."

"Mmm-hmmm. Have you used it on anybody else?"

"What? No! Of course not."

"Promise?"

"Yes, I promise!"

Alex chuckled. "So even though you won't admit it, it's a safe bet you were hoping something might happen between us?" She stuck just the tip of her finger inside Olivia. "And something is Olivia, only not what you think."

"What?"

Alex had released Olivia and stood up from the bed. She turned the bedside lamp on and moved in the direction of Olivia's bag. She pulled out the harness and dildo and held it up for Olivia to see.

"I already knew you brought it; I just wanted to see if you'd own up to it." She slipped the harness on and worried with the dildo. Her shirt came off revealing her breasts.

"Alex? What are you doing?"

She smiled at Olivia. "Getting ready to fuck you."

Olivia looked nervous.

"But Alex…you know I don't…I don't…you know!"

She stood before her lover, hands on hips and a stern look on her face.

"You don't get fucked with a strap-on? Is that what you are trying to say?" Olivia sort of nodded. "I have news for you Capt. Benson, you're getting fucked tonight. And you're getting fucked by me," she grabbed the dildo and shook it, "and this."

The throbbing between Olivia's legs increased and she was now painfully aroused.

"Please…please Alex."

"Please what?"

"Fuck me. Now."

Alex smiled at her and climbed on the bed. The dildo was resting at Olivia's opening and Alex moved so that she was on all four's.

Olivia glanced down between their bodies and licked her lips.

"Have you ever used one of these Alex?" She wasn't sure she wanted to envision her doppelganger getting fucked by Alex, but she had to know.

"Nope." Alex tested the moisture level inside Olivia's pussy and smiled. "You're soaking wet. No need for lube." And with that she pushed into Olivia and began moving in and out of her.

Even as wet as she was, Olivia would have benefitted from some lube, but as it was, the friction was building inside her and felt incredible. She began to moan as Alex started sucking on her ear lobe and then her lips. She started murmuring something and Olivia couldn't quite make it out.

"Huh?"

"You'remineThispussyi smineIloveyouIne verstoppedloving youandyouhurtmeb utIloveyouandthi sismineYouaremin eHehurtmeHehurtm eHehurtmeandyouw eren'tthereButIlo veyouandthisismi neYouareminePlea sedon'teverleavem eagainPleasePlea sePleaseIloveyou somuchYouremineM ineMineMine!"

Listening to Alex chanting caused Olivia to hurdle over the edge and she screamed as Alex continued to pound into her, drawing the last of Olivia's orgasm from her body.

"Alex please! I can't take anymore! Please."

Alex collapsed on top of Olivia, tears streaming down her face.

"I love you! I love you and how could you ever doubt that? Doubt me? You belong to me Olivia Benson! And now that I have you back, you're not getting away!"

"Alex, baby, shhh. I am not going anywhere. I promise. I love you and I'll never doubt you again."

Alex raised her tear streaked face and kissed Olivia.

Olivia was quickly becoming uncomfortable and flipped them over so that she could get off the dildo. With a groan, she managed to get off the dildo. Her legs were rubbery as she went about releasing Alex from the harness. She managed to take put it back in her bag and then collapsed beside Alex on the bed.

The blonde immediately moved to her and sniffed. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"That." Alex's voice quivered. "I…I don't know what happened Olivia. I just…I got scared and angry all at once and I just wanted to make love to you."

"Shh. Baby, it was actually pretty damn good."

Alex nodded. "You seemed to like it, but Liv I don't want to do that again. Or at least not for a long time. I felt like…I felt like I was forcing you and I don't ever want to feel that way again."

"You most definitely weren't forcing me! Far from it." She kissed Alex's temple.

"Will you make love to me? Please?"

"You don't have to ask me twice."

She rolled Alex beneath her and began by kissing her long and hard. They went on that way for long minutes at a time, hands wandering over each other, teasing and arousing each other. The last of their clothing found it's way to the floor and soon Olivia was on top of her.

"Oh how I've missed this."

"What?"

"Your body on top of mine, your weight. You make me feel safe and complete." She pulled Olivia down for a kiss. "Love me."

Olivia took her time and showered ever part of Alex's body with kisses and gentle touches. As she moved lower, her kisses became feather light and soon she was at the juncture of Alex's legs. She took a moment to just inhale Alex's scent. She then placed the faintest of kisses on Alex's clit, causing her to moan.

"Oh how I've missed you Alex. Missed this."

Before Alex could respond, Olivia had plunged her tongue deep inside her and was showing her sex the love it hadn't had in some time. Alex was moaning and squirming and trying to breathe as Olivia continued to work her magic with her tongue.

Finally, Alex felt the first stirrings in the lowest part of her belly and she arched her back as the feeling traveled up her spine and exited in a guttural scream that ended with Olivia's name.

Olivia slid back up her body and held her face within her hands. She placed a soft kiss on Alex's lips.

"I love you Governor Cabot and nothing or no one will ever separate us again. I promise."


	16. Chapter 16

"I love you."

"And I love you Liv. I never stopped." She shifted and moaned. "And I  
>love the way you fuck with our little friend."<p>

"Governor, such language." Olivia smiled at her and gave a tiny thrust  
>of her hips." "I love the way I feel when I'm up in you."<p>

Alex laughed. She sat up straight so that she was eye to eye with Olivia  
>as she straddled her lover, dildo snuggly ensconced inside her.<p>

"You always did act as though your piece was a part of you." She kissed  
>Olivia. "Not that I'm complaining."<p>

Olivia began thumbing Alex's nipple and smiled. "It is a part of me. I  
>feel it every time I thrust into you. I feel it when you sit on my lap<br>like you are now. I swear I can feel it when you convulse around me."  
>She smirked at Alex and slipped her finger between them. "And I love the<br>fact that you are still as tight as ever."

Now it was Alex who smirked. "What you mean is, its proof that Morgan  
>didn't get to fuck me too much with some big, bad dildo and stretch me<br>out. Right?"

"Well…"

Before she could finish, Alex had pulled off the dildo and rolled onto  
>her back.<p>

"Sit on my face. I need you."

XXXXXXXXX

Alex stretched against Olivia and smiled. "We have officially spent the  
>night making love with a little fucking thrown in for good measure. And<br>now I'm exhausted."

"Ha. You can sleep all day, I have to meet with the team in two hours."

They lay quietly for a few more minutes before Alex decided to ask her  
>question.<p>

"Liv? You said nothing was ever going to come between us again. How can  
>you say that? How can you be so sure?"<p>

Olivia shrugged as best she could with Alex lying on one of her  
>shoulders. "I'm just not going to leave you Alex."<p>

Alex took a deep breath and exhaled. "Liv…I think I should come out."

"What?"

"I think I should come out. I don't want to go back to the life we had before I got elected. Sneaking around, keeping up appearances by going through with my marriage to Robert. It just takes too much energy." She was now looking at her lover.

"Alex…you've been through a lot to get to this point in your life. Remember what you said about doing something for the greater good? About how it's not about you and your wants, but about what can be accomplished by having political power?" She rubbed Alex's back. "What about the Marriage Amendment? Do you really think your opponent would have blocked it? And speaking of which, if you come out now, what happens? Everything you've done while in office, all the good, will be viewed with suspicion. As if you had an agenda."

Alex let out a bitter laugh. "I do have an agenda Olivia; I want equal rights for everyone, fair treatment and judgments made on merit, not skin color, gender, religion or sexual identity. I blocked that amendment not because of my personal life, but because I don't believe in it. To say gay marriage somehow threatens or mocks 'traditional' marriage is a crock. If you've ever been divorced, then you've made a mockery out of marriage!" She lay her head back down. "Besides, I want to be with you and not have to sneak you in and out. I want to take you to state dinners with me, and spend Christmas with you, and…make you my family."

They lay in silence for a while before Olivia figured out what she wanted to say.

"Alex, if you come out now, after this is over, you may not have any state dinners to take me to. And if this, us, wrecks your political future, will you one day wake up and resent me?"

Alex considered how to answer Olivia's question, because she knew the answer, but wasn't sure Olivia would like it.

"Alex?"

"I already know the answer to that Olivia; I resented you, hated you when you assumed the worst of me and started fucking her. I resented the fact that you were able to be so open about fucking her, and I had to hide who I was behind a sham marriage to a rapist. And I resented myself for being so stupid. Naïve. Politics ended up being an arena I wasn't prepared to enter. Deals get made, good people get shut out, bad people get ahead, things that ought to be done aren't and those that shouldn't, well, they seem to run rough shod over common sense." Alex shook her head. "What the hell was I thinking? What, you were just going to leave your job in the city and come hide out in the governor's mansion? Everything I do Olivia, every move I make, there's always somebody around. Except when I'm in my room…or the nursery."

"Alex, don't. We knew it was going to be tough. I knew that, but I signed-up anyway. I agreed to that kind of life because I believe in you and what you are trying to do. I genuinely believe the world needs Alex Cabot helping make the rules."

Alex kissed her. "You're too kind. When you are in a public life, you can't live a truly authentic life Olivia. It's not about you. It's about the greater good."

Olivia kissed her again. "And the greater good needs you Alex. Look, I'll stand behind you no matter what you decide, but this decision, well, I think you need to talk to Mason and all those other advisers you have. People are counting on you Alex. People quit their jobs to work for your campaign, sent you money they really didn't have, defended you. You owe them Alex." Olivia hugged her. "And I suppose you owe yourself." She kissed Alex's head. "And it's an election year."

Alex buried her face in the pillow. "Don't remind me."

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

After going into the other bedroom and messing up the sheets and unpacking her bag, she called Elliot and they set a meeting time. She checked her holster and leg holster and then placed the unmarked gun on the nightstand next to Alex, who only raised an eyebrow before nodding and then snuggling back into the covers.

Olivia showered and then went to the cabin next door to get a status update from Hammond and Elliot. She left Alex sleeping in the bedroom. The cabin was heavily guarded, but nobody expected Velez to try anything during the day so she felt comfortable leaving Alex.

The cabin next door looked like command central and was buzzing with activity.

"Captain. How's the governor this morning?"

"Uh, good I think. I left her sleeping."

She glanced between Elliot and Mason and willed herself not to blush. Mason and Elliot exchanged a knowing look and smirked at her.

After spending an hour getting updates from every alphabet agency, Olivia was ready to scream. She wanted to get back to Alex and talk about this sudden need to come out. She didn't want Alex to make a rash decision.

Finally free to go, she walked back to the cabin and hearing no movement from the bedroom, she put water on to boil for Alex's tea.

XXXXXXXXXX

10 Minutes earlier

Alex was sleeping on her stomach when she felt the weight of a body settle on her. Smiling in her sleep, she shifted against the bulge she felt pressing into her ass.

Without opening her eyes, she spoke. "Hmmm. Liv. You do love wearing that strap-on, don't you? Not that I'm complaining." She tried to turn over but the warm breath and scratchy chin against her face caused her blood to run cold. "Who is this?"

"I think you know governor."

"Emiliano Velez."

"You are a smart girl." He gave a thrust of his hips, allowing Alex to feel his erection.

Pinned beneath Velez, Alex tried to stop the panic she felt from rising and taking over. She knew she needed to stay calm and focused and to stall until Olivia came back. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the gun Olivia had placed on the nightstand.

"What do you want?"

"To gut you and your girlfriend and leave your rotting carcass as a tribute to my father. They hunted him like he was a dog and then killed him without mercy. All because of some dead DEA agent and you." He pressed a knife blade against her cheek to illustrate his point. "And don't even think about going for that gun. Now, let's see if I can make you moan like she does."

"Your father was evil and deserved whatever he got." Alex's mind was telling her to shut-up, but her mouth wasn't listening.

"You stupid bitch. I'm going to show you just what evil is."

He placed his forearm across the back of Alex's neck and slid his right hand down to his pants. Alex flinched as she heard his zipper lower and felt the wet, sticky head of his penis pressing into her ass. He yanked on the tiny strip of fabric that served as her thong's waistband until it tore apart. Velez used his upper body to anchor Alex to the bed as he slid his arm underneath her.

Alex waited until he was distracted with trying to rape her and then using the same self defense move she'd used on Olivia in the nursery, she flipped him over, sending his knife skittering across the floor. Straddling his waist and arms, she used his surprise to her advantage and grabbed the gun off the nightstand. She cocked it and placed the barrel right between his eyes.

Not taking her eyes off of him, she eased off of him and stood by the bed, naked from the waist down. She heard the door open and placed her finger to her lips, signaling that he should stay quiet. She then motioned for him to stand up and careful to keep her distance from him, she motioned for him to move to the other side of the bed.

"Olivia. Please come here." Her stance never wavered and her eyes never left Velez.

Hearing Alex's voice and tone put Olivia on alert and she drew her weapon as she eased down the hall to the bedroom. She carefully eased the door open and froze at the sight before her. Alex was naked from the waste down, in a defensive stance with gun drawn and at the foot of the bed was Emiliano Velez, his pants unzipped exposing his penis. And he looked scared.

Olivia moved into the room, intent on getting the gun from Alex.

"We have a visitor."

In a soothing voice she answered, "I can see that Alex. Give me the gun and then go get my handcuffs." Keeping her own gun on Velez, she held out her other hand and motioned for Alex to hand the gun over. When the blonde didn't, she looked at her. "Alex?"

"Do you have any children?"

Confused, Velez looked between Alex and Olivia before answering, "No."

"Are you sure?" He nodded. "Any brothers or sisters? Uncles? Aunts? Cousins?"

"N-No. Why?"

"So there is nobody left to avenge your father but you?" Again he shook his head. "Good." She moved over to the bed and lay down.

"Alex? What are you doing?"

"Ending this Olivia. Ending it once and for all."

"Then give me the gun Alex. We'll take him in, let the justice system deal with him."

Alex laughed. "Get real Liv. He knows about us and I am not going back into the program. I'm not dealing with this again. I'm not giving up my life again."

"Alex…what are you thinking?"

"He needs to be put down like the rabid dog he is."

"Alex." Olivia's voice had a warning tone. "Give me the gun Alex."

"No." Tears had started streaming down her face. "His father took everything from me and I am not going through this again."

"My father should have done to you what they did to that whore Livia Sandoval! You stupid cunt!" He took a step forward and Olivia yelled for him to stop. He glanced at her and then Alex. "Puta. Cono amante."

"Knock it off Velez!" Olivia shot him a warning glance.

Alex smiled at him and yelled, "Usted hijo de una perra! Hijo bastardo"

"Bitch!" He started to lunge at Alex, thought better of it and then balled his fist.

"I dare you." Alex smirked at him and motioned for him to come with one finger. "Come on. I won't shoot. I promise." As a show of good faith, she lowered her weapon.

"Alex…stop. Stop it right now!"

"Come on Emiliano…if you're man enough." She opened her legs further and licked her lips. He took a step toward her and Alex smiled. "Stay out of this Liv."

"Alex stop!"

She let him get a few steps closer and then raised her gun again and fired. The shot hit him square in the chest and he crumpled to the ground. Alex hurried up off the bed, inteionallyknocking the nightstand over and immediately grabbed the neck of her t-shirt. She pulled until the thin material ripped and then she felt for a pulse on Velez. Finding only a weak one, she quickly put the gun in his hand and wrapped his fingers around the barrel before returning it to her own hand.

She looked at Olivia who was frozen in place with a horrified look on her face. "He tried to rape me and I stopped him Olivia. You were unaware anything was going on until you heard a crash. You got here just as I fired."

The front door of the cabin burst open and Elliot, followed by Hammond came racing down the hallway. Elliot pulled up at the sight before him. Alex was naked and crying, Olivia looked shell shocked, and a very pale Emiliano Velez lay on the floor, half exposed. Alex was in a defensive stance and looked horrified.

Elliot walked over to Alex and pulled the bead spread off the bed and offered it to her as he tried to get the gun out of her hand.

"Give me the gun Alex. It's over."

Hammond had knelt next to Velez and finding no pulse, he shook his head. The room quickly filled with various agents and police until Hammond barked for them to secure the scene and to separate Alex and Olivia.

Elliot tried to get to Olivia, but Hammond shook his head. "By the book Capt. Stabler. This is going to be one more cluster fuck and I don't need anybody screaming about preferential treatment." He looked at Alex. "Governor Cabot, do you need medical help?" When Alex could only stare at him, he motioned for Elliot.

Stepping away from both women, he murmured in a low voice, "Judging by the scene, she may need a rape kit. Go with her to the hospital."

Elliot nodded and then went and gently spoke to Alex and told her they needed to go to the hospital. She nodded and allowed him to guide her out of the room and into a waiting ambulance.

Hammond took Olivia by the elbow and led her away from Velez's dead body.

"Capt. Benson, are you able to give your statement now?"

Shaking it off, she finally nodded and murmured, "Yes."

As Hammond turned back toward the bedroom, he saw a crime scene tech bagging what looked like a ripped thong to him. Sighing, he led Olivia outside and over to the other cabin.

The first person Olivia saw when she entered was Mason, who looked anxious and scared. He was also being restrained by a uniformed policeman and looking none to happy about it.

"Olivia? Is the governor…?"

"Velez is dead and Alex is…where is Alex?" She looked at Hammond.

"Capt. Stabler is accompanying her to the hospital for an exam." He moved in closer to Mason and lowering his voice he added, "I've requested a rape kit be performed based on what we found at the scene."

The usually stoic Mason paled and let out a small gasp. "I need to get to her." Hammond nodded and motioned for the uniformed officer. After dispensing with them, he turned back to Olivia.

"Ok Capt. Benson, what exactly happened in that bedroom?"

XXXXXXXXXX

Meanwhile…

The crime scene techs were busy bagging just about everything in the bedroom. Including the sheets and pillow cases from the bed.


	17. Chapter 17

Elliot stood at the head of Alex's bed as the rape kit was performed. He was unsure of where to look and finally Alex, who hadn't said more than three words since they climbed into the ambulance, spoke.

"He didn't rape me. He tried, he came close, but he didn't rape me."

Elliot nodded. "Ok Alex. That's…that's good. Ok."

"He was on my back. I mean, I was on my stomach and he settled on my back. I thought…" Realizing what she almost said, she shot a look at Elliot and then closed her mouth.

The nurse performing the rape kit had heard her and asked Alex if she was able to turn over so she could swab for fluids on her backside. The blonde nodded and turned onto her stomach.

The nurse caught Elliot's eye and nodded. "There are traces of dried semen. Was there anything else?"

Alex nodded. "He…he ripped my panties off. It was a thong. He had to reach beneath me to do that." Alex rolled back over, revealing three fingernail marks. The nurse photographed them and then patted Alex's hands.

"I think we're done here. I'll need to bag everything that came in with you. I'll leave a pair of scrubs for you to change into."

Elliot exited the room as well and pulled out his cell to call Hammond .

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Let's go from the top Capt. Benson. Tell me exactly what happened in that room."

Olivia was trying to weigh her options and was torn between telling the truth and protecting Alex. The cop in her was screaming to tell the truth and her heart was screaming just as loudly to protect Alex. In quick order her mind reminded her that Emiliano Velez had meant to harm, even kill Alex and that the world was better off without him. She reasoned that if she'd been in Alex's shoes, she may well have done the same thing. And a tiny voice was screaming that no, she wouldn't have. She was a cop.

Olivia looked at Hammond and took a deep breath.

"After we finished our meeting I went back to the cabin, and not hearing anything I assumed Alex was still asleep so I put water on for tea." She paused and gathered her thoughts; still not sure of what she was going to say. She looked back at Hammond . "I heard a crash and Alex yelled my name. I un-holstered my weapon and ran to the bedroom. I threw the door open just as Alex fired the gun. She…she was naked from the waist down…and he was…exposed."

"Where was he in relation to the governor?"

"What?"

"Was he on top of her? Near her? What?"

Olivia thought. "A few feet from her and…moving toward her."

"Where did she get the gun?"

Olivia looked up at him. "From me. I wasn't about to leave her alone and unarmed for even a little while. I placed it on the night stand before I came to the meeting this morning."

Hammond eyeballed her for a long moment and then finally nodded. He looked over his shoulder and then sat down next to her. He played with the soda can sitting in front of Olivia.

"Olivia, they bagged the sheets from Alex's bed. I assume they'll find bodily fluids and fibers not belonging to either Alex or Velez?" He raised his eyebrows and Olivia paled.

She put her face in her hands. "Oh God." She looked at Hammond , wild eyed. "You can't let this out! It'll ruin her!"

Hammond pinned her with his eyes. "Did she kill him in cold blood?"

"What? NO! Why are you even asking me that?"

Hammond leaned back in his chair. "Because I have to. As for the other…I'll do what I can captain, but I can't control everything."

Olivia nodded. "Can I go now? I'd really like to go see Alex."

"That's not an option and you know it. You are to stay away from her until this investigation is completed."

Resigned, she nodded. "Do you know if he…if he actually raped her?"

As he was about to answer her question, his phone rang. " Hammond ." He glanced at Olivia and moved to the corner of the room. He listened as Elliot relayed the preliminary info on the rape kit and asked what he was to do next.

"If she's being released, she needs to give her statement. The sooner the better." He ended the call and turned back toward Olivia. "That was Stabler. They've finished Alex's rape kit."

"And?"

"You know I can't discuss this with you until I get her statement."

Olivia was fuming. She stood up and looked Hammond in the eye. "Tell me if he raped her." She didn't think that had happened to Alex before she'd called for her, but she wasn't sure either. She found part of her wanting Alex to have been raped so that she'd have a justification for shooting him and the other part prayed it hadn't happened.

"Capt. Benson, you need to excuse yourself and not be here when she comes in."

"And just where the fuck do you want me to go?"

XXXXXXXXXXX

Elliot and Alex were on their way to the police station. Alex simply sat staring out the car window and Elliot was more than a little concerned, and really wished mason had ridden back with them instead of disappearing.

"You did what you had to do Alex."

"I know."

"I'm glad…I'm glad he didn't…you know."

"Where's Olivia?"

"Uh, Hammond made her give her statement ASAP. She's at the station right now."

"I love her and nothing is ever going to come between us again."

"Ok. That's…that's good Alex. She needs you."

Alex finally looked at him. "I'm going to come out."

Elliot almost swerved into the oncoming lane at Alex's admission.

"What?"

"They're going to find three sets of DNA on that rape kit Elliot. Mine, his and Olivia's. I'm pretty sure they bagged the bed sheets. And I don't want to live a lie anymore."

"Maybe you should talk to Mason or Olivia about this Alex and not do anything rash, ok?"

Alex simply looked at him and the back out the window.

XXXXXXXXXX

Meanwhile….

Mason accepted the brown bag. Looking inside he nodded and handed the lab tech an identical bag. He then passed an envelope to the young woman and gave her a nod and left.


	18. Chapter 18

Elliot and Alex arrived at police headquarters to find a mob of reporters waiting on them. Alex tried to hide her face from the cameras and Elliot circled the parking lot until a security detail could come give them help. Alex hurried inside, ignoring all the questions being shouted at her. Once inside the station, she was shuttled into an interrogation room where Hammond was waiting for her. He blocked Elliot's entrance to the room.

"Governor." She nodded at him. "I need to take your statement." He motioned for her to sit down and pushed a legal pad toward her. "From the top."

XXXXXXXXX

Olivia found Elliot by the water fountain.

"Did he rape her?"

"Liv, you know…"

"Answer me!"

Elliot shook his head. "No, but there was some semen on her backside and she has scratches on her belly." He looked at Olivia. "And of course her shirt was ripped and she said her panties…thong, was ripped off."

Olivia swallowed hard. "Ok. Do you know how much…semen?"

Elliot shrugged. "Trace amounts I think. I don't know." He looked around and took Olivia by the arm. He guided her into an empty office and shut the door. "Liv, they bagged the bed sheets." He raised an eyebrow at her.

She colored lightly and hung her head. "They'll find fluids not belonging to Alex or Velez, Elliot." She shrugged and then looked at him. "This is going to get out and cost her everything. How could we have been so stupid?"

"Liv, you're in love. Expressing that love is…natural. And Alex said something about coming out on the way over here."

"She can't do that!"

"Why not? She's a popular governor, she 'died' and came back, her husband caused her to miscarry after getting caught with his pants down and now she's killed an avenging son of a dead drug lord. Do you really think anybody cares who she sleeps with?"

"Actually, I do. And I don't want her to give up everything she's ever wanted for this. For me. Us."

Elliot looked at her and his face went from confused to enlightened to pissed.

"I don't believe it. You're scared! If Alex comes out, is open, then that means you'll actually have to have a relationship with her! A real, bona fide relationship where you have to be present and accountable!"

"What are you talking about? We have had a real relationship!"

Elliot shook his head. "Sneaking around in the fucking morgue is not a real relationship. Being with a closeted Alex is easier; if she's out, then you have to be out."

"I am out! Well, to everybody who matters." She turned and stormed out of the room.

She was pacing the hall, trying to calm down and consider what Elliot had said. She wanted to tell him Alex hadn't miscarried, but aborted, that Alex hadn't shot in self-defense but at best luke warm blood, and that there was more to Robert's demise than he knew. But she couldn't say any of that. She'd lied to protect Alex, and gone against everything she held and knew to be true and at the moment she wasn't sure who she was, let alone where her relationship with Alex was going.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Hammond was reviewing Alex's statement. "Just one last question Gov. Cabot. How is it that you were able to disarm Velez?"

Alex held her head high. "Shortly after my marriage ended, I took a self defense course. Actually, I had a private instructor come to the governor's mansion and teach me. Mason can provide you with contact info should you need to verify that." She looked at him. "I'd been through enough Agent Hammond and had no plans to go through more. Am I free to go?"

Hammond nodded. "It appears to be an open and shut case of self defense." He took hold of her hand. "Alex, I'll do what I can to suppress the lab report on the bed sheets." Alex simply looked at him before standing and leaving the room.

She shut the door behind her and saw what appeared to be Olivia pacing the hallway from a distance. Taking a deep breath, she moved toward the form and just as she was about to call out to the brunette, a hand grabbed her and pulled her into the same empty office Elliot and Olivia had used.

"Hey!" She turned and saw a familiar face. "Mason. What's wrong?"

Mason looked around before speaking. "Governor Cabot, I just wanted to let you know that everything has been taken care of in regards to the bed sheets."

Alex's jaw fell open. "Mason, what did you do?"

Mason straightened his tie before speaking. "I have exchanged the bed sheets with a dirty set from the mansion that I had in my car." Alex started to speak and he held up his hand. "Governor, I first had the sheets checked to see if any of that animals DNA was on them; it wasn't. There were only two sets of DNA. Your's and an unidentified female's. I would not have intervened if his DNA had been present."

"Why were you driving around with a set of my sheets? And how can you be so sure there isn't any DNA from…you know, on them?"

Mason sniffed. "My job is to protect you Alex. At any cost. When certain people re-entered your life, I foresaw the possible ramifications. Though certainly not to this degree. At any rate, I took precautions."

Alex sighed and then gave him a small, sad smile. "And just what was the cost Mason?"

"You don't need to know all of the details Alex. Just know that it has all been taken care of. Arrangements will be made for those involved. Out of state of course."

She closed her eyes and shook her head. "Fine." She placed her hand on the doorknob. "I need to see Olivia."

She opened the door and stepped out into the hall, hoping to see Olivia. She didn't see the brunette but did see Elliot. "Elliot? Where's Capt. Benson?"

"Uh, she went back to Albany already. A patrolman was driving her."

"Oh." Alex looked around and looked a little lost. "Uh, I guess I should go back too."

Mason appeared out of nowhere. "Governor, we need to get back and plan your statement and a press conference tomorrow."

Alex looked surprised, but managed to nod. "Elliot, are you coming back with us?"

He looked between Mason and Alex and finally nodded.

XXXXXXXXXX

By the time they arrived back in Albany, it was early evening and Alex was exhausted. She wanted nothing more than to retreat to her room and see Olivia, and hold and be held by the brunette. She also knew they needed to talk about what had happened.

What happened upon her arrival was a staff meeting that lasted far too long, the crafting of a statement that was politically correct and appropriate and the scheduling of a press conference the next day. By the time it was over, Alex just wanted to take a shower and find Olivia. Mason told her he would prepare a light dinner and hot tea for her and would bring it to her room later.

Alex trudged up the steps and entered her room. She knew immediately that someone, most likely Olivia, had been in her room. She found an envelope on her pillow and felt her heart begin to sink. Her hand trembled as she picked it up and tore it open.

A-

I am glad you are ok and I know how crazy what has happened is going to make your life right now. I need some time as I am sure you do to sort things out. I think this is a good time to step back and think about everything. I don't want you to do something you'll regret later due to stress or whatever. And honestly, I have to think about everything that's happened and how I feel about it. I think you should too.

O.

Alex felt her eyes water and in a burst of anger, she picked up the phone and dialed Olivia's number. She wasn't really surprised when it went straight to voice mail, but it pissed her off anyway. She flung the phone across the room, as well as a lamp and the TV remote. When her anger finally ran out of steam, she picked up the phone and called Mason, who told her he would be right up.

He found her sitting on the bed, clutching the note.

"Governor?"

She held the note out for him and watched as he read it. She watched as his face turned red and he allowed his anger to show for just a second.

"She's not coming back."

"You don't know that."

Alex looked at him. "Yes I do Mason. I know what she's thinking and I'm not sure I blame her."

Mason gave a half nod of his head. He seemed to be considering his words and thinking better of it, he decided not to speak.

"What?"

He took a deep breath. "Miss Keller called to make sure you were ok." He glanced down and then back up. "Perhaps you should call her. I think she would feel better and perhaps…you would too. I don't think you should be alone tonight."

"I have you."

He smiled. "Alex, I will always be here and I will always keep your secrets, but there are things you need that I can not provide."

Alex nodded. "If you'll get me her number, I will call myself. I think she deserves at least that much."

Mason reached into his suit pocket and pulled out a piece of paper with the younger woman's number scrawled on it.

Alex laughed and took the paper, but not before hugging Mason, who was caught off guard. She waited until he left the room before dialing the number.

"Morgan? It's Alex."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Meanwhile…

"Olivia? What are you doing here?"

The brunette stepped forward and grabbed the other woman. She pulled her in for a kiss and tried to back her into the house.

"What are you doing?"

"I…I need you."

Julia Milfield shook her head. "No, you need Alex. I saw the news and I'm betting she could use you right about now."

"Please?"

She searched Olivia's face and relenting, she let her inside. "This is the last time."

She didn't protest when Olivia pushed her down on the couch and began kissing her, and she didn't stop her when they ended up on the floor in a state of undress, and she certainly didn't object when Olivia's mouth wrapped around her clit, and brought her to orgasm. And she didn't protest when Olivia pulled her head down to her breasts, and she was a willing participant as the brunette urged her to keep going, to use her fingers, to be rough and she was right there as Olivia arched her back and screamed. However, she stopped her ministrations as she heard Olivia cursing Alex Cabot and saw tears streaming down her face.

"Olivia? What's going on?" Not getting an answer she sighed, stood up and offered her hand to the brunette. "Come on, let's go to bed."

Olivia sat up, wiping at her tears. She sniffed. "I thought you said this was the last time?"

Julia rolled her eyes. "It was, but that doesn't mean you have to leave like a john. Besides, you need to talk to somebody Olivia or at least not be alone tonight, and since it doesn't seem that Alex is an option, well, I'm available."

She pulled Olivia up and avoided looking at her nakedness. She led her into the bedroom and after digging through her drawers, she handed her a pair of sweats and a t-shirt.

"Go change into these and then come get into bed."

A short while later she slid into bed next to Julia and each woman stayed on their side of the bed. Julia did turn on her side, facing Olivia and was content to out stare the woman until she finally spoke.

"I love Alex."

"Duh."

"I just…I can't…I can't do this. I'm not going to do this."


	19. Chapter 19

Olivia awoke to the smell of coffee. Rolling over she rubbed her eyes and sighed when she realized where she was. Before she could get up, Julia came into the room carrying a mug of coffee.

"Here."

Olivia accepted the mug and sat up. Julia adjusted the pillow behind her and she reclined into it, taking a sip from the mug.

"Thanks." She looked embarrassed. "For everything."

Julia sat down next to her on the bed. "Olivia, you have to talk to her. Whatever happened in that room, you have to hear her out."

Olivia looked surprised. "I never said anything…."

Julia stopped her. "I'm a cop Olivia and while I don't need or want to know what happened, I also know something did happen. Something that shook you." She shrugged. "I just think you need to talk to her."

Olivia shook her head. "I just don't know about this. I don't see what talking to her will do."

Julia took her hand, forcing her to look at her. "Olivia, you came to me last night. Who do you think she turned to when she couldn't get you because I'm about 100% certain she tried to get in touch with you?"

Olivia hadn't considered that Alex might turn to anyone else. "She probably turned to Mason. He takes care of her."

Julia shook her head. "Her bed was not empty. So unless this Mason person takes care of her in every way, somebody took your place. And at the risk of sounding like a therapist, 'how does that make you feel?'"

Olivia didn't want to think about anybody, let alone Morgan, touching Alex. She swallowed hard and got out of bed, searching for her clothes. Julia handed them to her and she hurried into the bathroom to dress. Afterwards she found Julia in the kitchen serving up a plate of eggs and toast. She accepted them without comment and took a seat at the counter.

"Olivia, have you ever thought about seeing somebody?"

The brunette laughed. "Did you forget the last therapist I went to see? I ended up falling in and out of bed with her over the last three years."

Julia looked perplexed at the comment and shook her head.

"What?"

"I have a date tomorrow night."

Surprised, Olivia said, "Oh." Smiling she added, "Anybody I know?"

Julia raised her eyebrow and stared at Olivia.

"Oh no. No no no no no."

Julia shrugged. "I went to see her a few months ago; in between one of your stints in bed." She shrugged. "What can I say? We hit it off. By the time I got up the nerve to call and ask her out, you were back in her bed. Now you're not."

Olivia scowled. "Are you sleeping with her?"

"Not yet. Tonight's our first real date. You know, dinner, a movie…bed if she's lucky."

"So that's why last night was the last time."

"She's part of the reason. The other is it's not healthy Olivia. What we do is not healthy. I don't even think we like each other. We just fuck, which has certainly had its advantages, but I'm finally ready to move on from just fucking. I need to move forward with my life."

"But she's a femm, a bottom. A girly-girl and so are you. This is never going to work!"

Julia laughed. "Olivia, I actually prefer life from on top, if you know what I mean. However, sex with you is always intense and hot, and for that, I'll happily bottom."

Olivia shook her head. "I have to go. This is too much."

Julia stopped her. "Liv, I mean it; talk to her and then talk to somebody who can help you. You're not living, you're just existing."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Alex was getting ready for her press conference. Mason had ferried her back to the Governor's Mansion just before dawn and she'd gone through all the motions of getting ready, but she was basically on autopilot. She didn't bother to check her cell phone for messages; she knew Olivia would not be in contact for a while, if ever again.

Mason gave her a pat on the hand just before she strode out to address the press. She read the carefully prepared statement.

"As you are no doubt aware, yesterday I was involved in a fatal shooting involving a young man by the name of Emiliano Velez. He was the son of Caesar Velez, the man who five years ago ordered a hit on me which resulted in my being shot and entering the witness protection program. His son, Emiliano, was responsible for the attempt on my life just over a month ago. He managed to elude law enforcement and gain entry into the cabin where I was staying. I was asleep in my bed when he pinned me to the bed with the intent of causing my death. Using a self defense move I learned, I managed to get control of a gun I had been given for protection and I shot him as he lunged for me. This has been a harrowing experience and I would appreciate a respect for my privacy at this time. I will continue on with business as usual in running this state. I will have no further comment and now turn this over to my press secretary and spokesmen for all the various law enforcement agencies involved. Thank you."

She turned and without looking back she walked out of the room, leaving reporters to shout questions at her back. She did not go into her office, but went upstairs to change out of her power suit and into a pair of jeans and a sweat shirt. She'd told Mason she would be working in her room and that she did not want to be bothered by anyone.

By the end of the day she had plowed through a pile of paperwork and was stopping now only because Mason had insisted she eat something. She'd insisted he sit with her while she did. They were in the nursery.

"I'll be staying with Morgan tonight."

Mason nodded and when he made no move to leave Alex raised an eyebrow at him.

"I made arrangements earlier. I know you."

She gave him a faint smile and a nod. She then stood up. She looked around the room and then back at him.

"Mason, I have what, three campaign trips this week?"

"Three overnights are planned unless you want to cancel them?"

"No. I want to stay gone for three straight days and when I return, please make sure this room is no longer a nursery."

"Governor?"

Alex let out a deep breath. "It's time to move on Mason. The last traces of my old life dies along with Emiliano Velez."

"Very well. What would you like for me to do with everything?"

Alex shrugged. "Find some poor family with nothing and give it to them. An unwed teenage girl, a young couple, I don't care. Somewhere out there is a baby that needs all the things in this room. Make sure it has them." She took one last look around the room and left him standing there.

The next time she saw Mason, they were in his car headed for Morgan's apartment. The younger woman greeted her with a hug and allowed Alex to pull her into the bedroom. The blonde stripped and crawled into bed, waiting for Morgan to join her. Morgan was unsure of what Alex wanted and waited for her to make a move.

"I just need to be held Morgan."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Back in NYC

Olivia Benson was on her third drink of the night, but she was not drunk or buzzed even. She's been chatting with a mildly attractive blonde she had every intention of taking to bed. Julia's words had stung more than she wanted to admit, but instead of dealing with them, she'd opted to just go to a bar, drink and drag home the first woman she found.

"So, Olivia…."

Before the woman could finish her sentence, Olivia had grabbed her and kissed her.

"Why don't we just skip all the chit chat and get right down to what we both want, which is me fucking you senseless?"

The woman looked surprised, but then grabbed her purse. "I just live around the corner."

2 Weeks Later

Alex was in her office going over a report from the state wildlife agency when her phone rang. "Yes Mason."

"Your legal counsel is here."

"Send him in." She closed the folder on her desk and removed her glasses. She stood and shook the hand of Trevor Langan. "Trevor."

He smiled at her. "Alex. Or should I say Governor?"

She sat back down. "We have far too much history to be so formal Trevor. Sit down."

"To what do I owe this trip? It's not often the services of a criminal defense attorney are secured by the sitting governor of a state."

"It's not often that a sitting governor who is up for re-election decides to come out of the closet."

Trevor's mouth fell open. "Why are you doing this now?"

Alex smiled. "At least you don't seem surprised that I'm a lesbian."

"Alex, I've known you our whole lives." He looked rather smug. "Have you forgotten a certain night when you were 19 and I was 21? I took you virginity that night. And I know I'm good so your less than enthusiastic response the few times we were together after that led me to believe you must be a lesbian. Your marriage to Robert didn't really change my opinion, but two years away living as a claims adjuster, well, that can do things to a person."

Alex rolled her eyes. "Trevor, you only took my hetero virginity. I'd already been plucked by Molly Jensen the summer before in Europe ."

Trevor scowled. "But I slept with her! I was dating her that summer when you all went backpacking through Europe !"

Alex raised her eyebrow. "Two women you slept with went lesbo, not good odds Trevor. As for your dick, it was fine, but I prefer pussy." Her face grew solemn. "In all seriousness Trevor, I am tired of living a lie. I've paid too high a price and this latest episode shook me. Life's too short."

Realizing his old friend was serious and in a bad place, he too became serious.

"Ok Alex. I assume you want to know if there's anything that could be perceived as unlawful or a conflict of interest in light of your sexual preference, right?"

"Yep. I think we both know the obvious one."

"Well then, let's get to work. Just one thing Alex; am I here because I'm an old friend, an old lover or the best defense attorney in the state?"

"All of the above Trevor. Now, let's figure all of this out, ok? I plan on coming out in 10 days."

XXXXXXXXXX

Olivia winced as the riding crop struck her bare skin one final time. She was with the same woman from the bar and currently had her hands cuffed to the headboard of the bed. Her legs were also tied to each bed post and a butt plug was sticking out of her ass. Sweat was running down her face and if she was honest, there were also tears in the mix.

The woman was named Lois and she liked it rough. Which was just fine with Olivia because she'd felt guilty about sleeping with a complete stranger and if she were honest, she felt as though she'd cheated on Alex. And she felt guilty because she hadn't called Alex and she hadn't been to see anyone like Julia suggested.

Her mind could rationalize sleeping with Julia because she was already known to her, but this woman was new. And at the moment she was causing Olivia great pain and she welcomed it. Deserved it even. They'd done this almost every night for the last two weeks and after the third night they'd given up any semblance of it actually being anything other than sex. They didn't even bother with idle chit chat now. All of which depressed Olivia further.

"Lois…you can stop now."

The woman settled over Olivia's mouth. "Not until you eat me."

Olivia sighed and went to work on the woman, happy when she finally came and released her. She stood up and dressed and took a good long look at the woman. In that moment she made a decision.

"Lois, this has been…well, whatever it's been, I've needed and now it's done, ok?"

Lois nodded. "Olivia? If you ever need this again, you know where to find me. Two broken people like us, we'll always find each other."

Olivia didn't know what to say to that so she just nodded and left the apartment. She went straight home and climbed into the shower, the same as she'd done every night for the last two weeks and scrubbed her skin raw. She stayed in the shower until the water ran cold and then dressed in fresh clothes.

Feeling restless, she went back out, needing to connect with something. She ended up knocking on a door that should have been an obvious choice, but only just entered her mind.

"Olivia?"

"Don. I need to talk to somebody."

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Three Days Later

"I don't care! I want to come out so I can live an honest life, not keep on lying!"

Trevor and mason exchanged looks.

"Alex, they only need to know so much of the truth, ok? What good does it do you to admit to a sham marriage? My God, you were pregnant! Do you want them calling that into question as well?"

Alex felt her face flush with anger. "You leave my baby out of this!"

"Precisely! If you say you only married Robert for political gain, do you really think they are going to let your pregnancy slip by?" He put his hands on his hips. "Lots of people come out late in life. Or come to terms with it or whatever. Let's just do it this way. If you've really been that celibate? If there are no women who can go to the tabloids?"

She blushed. "There aren't. I was too busy pining away for…" She caught herself and stopped. "A life a I no longer had to have a love life."

"Ok. So that leaves Molly, who was killed in that earthquake in China , this Morgan person who is still financially dependent upon you. She won't talk. Jim Steele gains nothing by admitting to having an affair with you. I'm not going to talk." He smiled. "Unless you want me to?" At her death glare he moved on. "Allen Messing won't run his mouth. He's eyeing a run for Congress and doesn't need this. That leaves your ex-husband Robert and Capt. Benson."

"What makes you think I've been with Olivia?"

He cocked his head. "Oh please. You were gaga for her before the first Velez and even though you've been discrete, I'm betting you know her in the biblical sense." He furrowed his brow. "That might present a problem if it ever comes out that you were doing her during this last Velez case." He suddenly smiled. "Unless we can use that to our advantage."

Alex felt her stomach drop. Every time Trevor got that look she knew the next words out of his mouth were not going to be good. "Trevor…." Her voice held a warning tone.

XXXXXXXXXX

2 More Days Later

After talking to Cragen, he'd urged her to seek professional help and she'd opted to see Dr. Olivet, knowing she wouldn't end up in bed with her. This was her third straight day seeing the woman and she was loathe to admit that it seemed to be helping her.

She'd taken some time off. Over the last three years she'd amassed quite a bit of comp time and vacation time as she never took a vacation or a day off. She was just heading back to her apartment when she saw both Mason and Morgan Keller standing in her hallway. Fear gripped her.

"What's wrong? Has something happened to Alex?"

Morgan Keller stepped into her personal space.

"Yes, she's had her heart ripped out and I'm about two seconds away from ripping your face off. Now, open your damn door and let's go talk." She looked back at Mason. Come back in thirty minutes and you can tell her whatever it is you need to tell her."

Olivia unlocked her door and motioned for Morgan to enter. She closed the door behind them and took her time hanging up her coat. She wasn't ready to face the younger woman, but knew it was inevitable.

"Do you want something to drink?"

"I won't be here that long."

"Fine. Let's get started then."

"Would you like to tell me why I'm the one Alex has been seeking comfort with? Why I'm the one she came to and spent the night with, in my apartment no less, the day of the shooting? Why it was me holding her while she was in shock?"

Olivia's eyes widened. "Shock?"

"Yes, shock. She went into shock the night of the shooting. At one point she thought I was you and started babbling."

Olivia, afraid Alex might have said something incriminating, went wide eyed again. "What did she say?"

Morgan frowned. "What does that matter? It was just all this stuff about how she was sorry and scared and didn't want it to happen again. Whatever 'it' was."

Relieved, Olivia sighed. "Good."

"Good? I'm telling you she was so messed up she thought I was you, asked me to make love to her and all you can say is 'good?'"

"Did you?"

"Did I what?"

"Make love to her?"

Morgan shook her head. "What? Yes, I made love to her."

Olivia advanced on her. "You took advantage of her? She thought you were me and you fucked her anyway?"

"Oh please. By the time we got around to that she knew exactly who I was. I made sure before I touched her." She watched as the color drained from Olivia's face. "That's right Olivia, she knew who she'd asked to touch her. Now, back to my question, why was it me and not you?"

Olivia was hurt that Alex had slept with Morgan again, even though she knew she had no right to be.

"Morgan, this is really none of your business."

Morgan grabbed Olivia by the shoulders and forced her to look at her.

"Listen to me; for whatever reason she loves you. Whatever she did, she had a good reason for doing it. She needed you, and yet again you were gone. How many more times do you think you can pull this bullshit? How many more times do you think she's going to sit around waiting for you to get your head out of your ass?"

When Olivia didn't answer, she threw her hands up and changed subjects.

"What's in that room off her bedroom?"

Olivia felt her stomach drop. "Why?"

Morgan looked pissed. "Whatever was in there, it's gone. I overheard her talking to Mason the other night. He told her the room was empty. She seemed upset by that."

Olivia finally sat down. "Morgan, she'll have to tell you that."

"Then I guess I'll never know. Look, I told her we had an expiration date this time around and I meant it. I need to know if you really do love her and are going to be there for her when she comes out."

Olivia jumped to her feet. "Comes out? Is she insane?"

"Well, she does love you, so maybe she is." Morgan started for the door. "You do not want to see me again Olivia. Mason needs to talk to you." She opened the door and was not surprised to find Mason standing there. She jerked her head in the direction of Olivia and tore down the hallway.

"Olivia."

"Is she really coming out?"

"She is. That is part of the reason why I am here. She asked that I deliver this letter to you." He noted the dark shadows under her eyes and she looked a bit thinner.

Olivia took the envelope. "Mason, what happened to the nursery? Morgan said she overheard you tell Alex the room was empty."

Mason's eyes hardened. "I do not betray confidences Olivia. You will have to ask the governor about that."

"Is she ok?"

Mason looked down his nose at her. "What do you think?" And with that he turned and left the apartment.

XXXXXXXXXXX

That Night

Alex was in her room trying on various outfits for her big tell-all interview. She wasn't sure exactly what look she was going for and Mason was patiently handing her outfit after outfit and reserving comment as she hurried through the selection process.

"Do you not have an opinion on this?"

"The outfit or the situation?"

"Both."

"The outfit is a no go. Yellow will just make you look washed out. Red is too powerful and will play into the bull dyke myth. Go with the blue suit. You wore it the night you were elected and it was favorably commented on in the press. It will serve to remind people why they voted for you."

Alex immediately stopped what she was doing and went to get the blue suit. She examined it and then handed it to Mason.

"Please have it cleaned and pressed." She looked at her assistant. "You have been quiet since your visit to Olivia. Care to share?"

"Miss Keller overheard us discussing the room. She mentioned it to Olivia who asked me. I revealed nothing."

Alex nodded. "Ok. So what does this have to do with your being quiet?"

He measured his words and then took a deep breath. "She did not look…the same. She seemed almost broken."

Alex faltered. "You gave her the letter." He nodded. "Ok."

"Ok? That's all you are going to say? Ok?"

"She's a big girl mason; she'll either contact me or she won't. Either way, my life must move forward. With her or without her."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia sat at the bar holding the envelope. She'd been sitting there ever since Mason had left, which was more than a few hours ago. She'd had only a handful of beers over the last four hours and was far from being buzzed much less drunk.

"Liv, you just gonna keep lookin' at that or you gonna actually read it?"

She smiled at Todd, the bartender and finally held it up to the light.

"Here goes nothing." She tore open the envelope and carefully took out the letter. She smiled as she saw Alex's writing. Only Alex would send a handwritten letter about coming out.

"Liv,

I want you to know I love you with everything that I am. I am going to come out on Thursday in a television interview that will be carried live on CNN. Everybody thinks it is about the shooting, but I plan to use it to come out. I have been working with Trevor to come up with the best possible way to do this. While I'd like to tell the absolute truth, both Trevor and Mason thinks that is unnecessary. As such we have come up with a cover story that basically splits the difference. You don't have to worry about being named Olivia. I think you'll be able to read between the lines.

Alex"

Olivia swallowed hard and put the letter back in the envelope. She downed her beer, paid her tab and headed in the direction of her apartment.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Thursday Night

Alex had been eerily calm all day and had just finished briefing her staff as to what was going to occur in the next thirty minutes. Some had been surprised, but seemed to be taking it in stride. Alex had already written her own press release and prepared an FAQ that could be sent out if need be. She'd also called her brother and sister and informed them of her pending announcement, as well as a last phone call to Morgan and Hammond. Robert had arrived at the mansion earlier and they'd had a conversation in which she'd basically told him he would not speak of their marriage to anyone and she'd not have a certain death investigation re-opened. She had agreed to one last political favor for him in exchange for what he'd agreed to do for her that night.

As she waited to be seated, Mason took her hand and gave it a squeeze. She graced him with a genuine smile and feeling freer than she had in a very long time, she walked into the interview setting and took a seat across from Candy Crowley, chief political correspondent for CNN.

The veteran reporter had been accepting of her cryptic interview rules after Alex assured her she would not be disappointed.

"With me tonight is New York Gov. Alexandra Cabot. As you might recall, she was involved in a fatal shooting a month ago that involved the son of the man who once put a hit out on her." Candy turned toward Alex. "Governor. What can you tell us about the shooting?"

Alex licked her upper lip. "Candy, I know you were expecting me to talk about the shooting, but I actually have something else I'd like to discuss."

Looking a bit surprised, the other woman nodded. "Go ahead."

"Actually, I have an announcement to make…."


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews. Darkness returns.**

Sitting in her apartment with Elliot watching the interview, Olivia was now leaning forward, arms resting on her knees.

"She's gonna do it Liv."

"Yeah, I know." Olivia felt her stomach knot.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
>"…I have recently come to the realization, understanding and acceptance that I am a lesbian."<p>

The reporter's eyes grew big and all she could manage was a simple, "Oh?"

Alex nodded and held the other woman's gaze, letting the silence draw out.

"That's certainly not what I was expecting. How is it that you came to this realization, understanding  
>and acceptance?"<p>

"I was almost killed. For the second time in my life." Alex shrugged. "That sort of puts priorities in order."

"You were married."

"I was and he's actually here tonight."

Alex turned just off camera and seemed to be motioning to someone. Into the field of view walked Robert Shelton.  
>He smiled down at Alex and placed a kiss on her cheek. He took a seat and smiled at both women.<p>

"Governor?"

Alex took a deep breath and holding Robert's hand she continued. "Make no mistake; I was in love with this man."  
>She turned to him. "Very much, but things happened." She patted Robert's hand and pulled away, sending a very clear message.<p>

"And I am still very much in love with her, but my lapse in judgment…" He shrugged.

"You just came out as a lesbian, yet you were in love with a man? Wouldn't that make you bisexual?"

Alex smiled. "You can call me whatever you want, but I don't think love has to necessarily be categorized.  
>However, I realize that I lead a public life and that my opponents on the right will undoubtedly brand me with the "L" word to try<br>and make political hay." She shrugged. "So I fully accept this facet about myself, however you want to define it. I have had some  
>very good relationships with men, I even married one," she glanced at Robert, "but at the end of the day, I know I will be much<br>happier with a woman."

"And is there one? A woman?"

For the first time Alex appeared to falter. Her face went from radiant to somber. She waited before answering.

"I have never been involved in a relationship with a woman. There is someone I am mad about, but as of this moment it  
>appears to be unrequited." Knowing there would be questions, she plunged ahead. "I have known her for a very long time<br>and while I have always been close to her, it was only after this latest incident that I was able to recognize what my connection to her was. What she means to me."

Crowley gave her a soft smile. "And is she aware of your feelings?"

Alex, with watery eyes, managed to nod. "She is." She took a deep breath. "I think I'd like to move on."

Crowley nodded. "Why now? Why come out now so close to the election? As far as I know, no one had an inkling about your sexuality. Why not wait until after Tuesday?"

Having regained her composure, Alex straightened her spine. "I am well aware of what this interview is going to do to my future political aspirations, to the Democratic party of New York, and most importantly to my supporters. Some of whom are very conservative and will have an issue with my sexuality. However, instead of waiting until after I was possibly re-elected, I wanted the people of the state of New York to be fully informed. To have the opportunity to make an informed decision before Tuesday. I feel this is the responsible thing to do."

They broke for commercial and Robert bid both women farewell. Alex sat nervously under the watchful eye of the reporter.

"You're not just mad about her, you're in love with her."

Alex could only give what passed for a smile.

XXXXXXXXXXX

NYC

"Oh my God Liv! She just sat there and came out but she's still lying."

"Leave it alone Elliot. She sent me a message telling me she wanted to be honest but Trevor and Mason were against it. I know why she split the difference. Every single thing she's done since being in office will be looked at and scrutinized. She's done a lot of good things Elliot and blocking the Marriage Amendment will be the one thing they try to pick apart." She looked at Elliot. "And that one's really, really important Elliot. Being discriminated against is never right and being denied the right to marry goes against everything this country says it stands for."

He studied her. "You almost sound as if you want to get married?"

"Just because I don't want to doesn't mean I don't think I shouldn't be able to."

"She was talking about you, you know."

She nodded. "It's coming back on."

XXXXXXXXX

They touched on the shooting and then the Marriage Amendment. Alex stated that she blocked it not because of any personal agenda, but because it was simply wrong. She reiterated that when she blocked the amendment she was still unaware of her own sexuality.

The interview turned to Alex's hopes for her own future. Crowley asked her if she wanted to settle down and try marriage or a domestic partnership one day.

Alex considered the question. "Yes, I think I would. It has been a very long and lonely past three years. Of course, meeting people when you are the governor is a tad hard, but perhaps after I leave office." She laughed. "And that may be a lot sooner than expected after this interview."

"Children?"

This time Alex visibly faltered and her eyes watered more. "I…that is not a topic I care to address."

XXXXXXXXXXX

NYC

Olivia felt her heart tear at the sight of Alex's visible pain. No matter what she thought of the woman, seeing her in pain was unbearable. Elliot saw her distress and wasn't surprised when the brunette teared up. He was surprised when she burrowed her head in his lap and began to cry. All he could do was stroke her hair and tell her it would be alright.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

After the interview, Alex went straight upstairs telling Mason she was not to be disturbed for any reason that was personal. She changed into her pajama's and crawled under the covers wishing, not for the first time, that her mother was still alive. She wasn't surprised when some time later Mason entered the room and took a seat next to her bed.

"You've cause quite a stir."

"I'm sure."

"Rosie, Ellen and Melissa Etheridge have all called and left messages of support for you. Hillary Clinton issued a statement praising your bravery. James Dobson also issued a statement. Not as harsh as you might expect, but not kind either. Sarah Palin also issued a statement saying she and her family would be praying for you."

"How nice. Isn't there some wolf or polar bear in Alaska she should be trying to kill?"

"Both your brother and sister called to say they were proud of you, and Morgan left a similar message."

He regarded her. "She hasn't called."

"She won't. She'll either come to see me or that's it."

"Are you ok?"

"Tired, but yes, I think I am. I feel free Mason, even though I wasn't as truthful as I would have liked."

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

The Next Day

Reaction to Alex's announcement was for the most part positive. She had a stack of messages of support from celebrities, politicians and even some world leaders on her desk. Several dozen flower arrangements had also arrived and media outlets from all over the globe were requesting interviews with her. A small contingent of media trucks were camped out in front of the mansion and the National Enquirer was offering a cash reward for anyone with proof of a lesbian relationship with her. She had to smile at that one. Of her three lovers, one was dead, one was already on her payroll and the other wouldn't sell her out for no amount of money. Robert was getting a sweetheart deal on some prime real estate and her old unit were loyal to a fault.

She did watch the news all day to see what voters might think. The NBC affiliate had sent someone out to do "man on the street" interviews. When asked what they made of her declaration some answers were:

"Who cares?"

"That broads got some balls; she almost got killed, twice, so I could care less who she's sleepin' with. Damn fine governor is you ask me."

"All I want to know is, if she ever gets a girlfriend, can I watch?"

"Who she sleeps with says nothing about her ability to govern."

"I think it's disgusting! Lord only knows what kind of things she's done in that mansion!"

"She just needs the right dick."

"She should step down immediately. She's a disgrace."

"Can you give her my number?"

Alex had to laugh at the last one. The state web site had been flooded by similar sentiments, but there were a large number of date offers. Some of the messages ranged from sweet to graphic.

She finally found the time to return calls to her siblings and to Morgan as well as other notables. Early polling seemed to indicate her approval rating hadn't taken much of a hit. Uncharacteristicall y, she called it a day right at 5 and dismissed everyone for the weekend, with orders to be on call.

She retired to her room with a glass of wine and a good book. She wasn't surprised when Mason rang her phone to let her know she had a visitor.

She was standing with her back to the door, looking out the window when Olivia came into her room.

"I've been expecting you."

"You came out."

"I did." She turned and faced Olivia.

"Are you ok?"

Alex smiled briefly. "I think so."

"Morgan came with Mason to see me."

Alex was surprised. "I was unaware of that."

"I'm glad you had her. She uh, she said she…I mean she said you'd been staying with her at night?"

Her face impassive, Alex nodded. "She's been very good to me these last couple of weeks. I've needed somebody and it's been her." She held Olivia's gaze.

"You mean you've been sleeping with her."

"No, I meant I needed somebody and there was no one else. She fit the bill so to speak. As for the other, not really any of your business, but I will tell you I only made love with her the night of the shooting."

Olivia felt her anger begin to boil. "So you just bed hopped? Just like that?"

Alex let out a bitter laugh. "And just who's bed have you been occupying Olivia? Julia? I'll bet my life you were busy fucking her about the time I fell into Morgan's arms."

Olivia flushed. "Yeah, ok, so I slept with Julia that night. Big deal."

"Who else?"

Caught off guard, her expression gave her away.

"Nobody important."

"Then spare me the holier than thou routine. I wanted you that night Olivia, not her, but as usual, you were gone." She shook her head. "You ran; as usual."

Olivia put her hands on her hips and scowled. "That's rich! In case you forgot Alex, you killed a man! Virtually in cold blood no less!"

"He tried to rape me! He would have if I hadn't used that move on him."

"Precisely. You had already averted the threat! There was no need to shoot him and even worse, there was no need to put me in a position where I had to lie for you! I broke the law for you." She began shaking her head. "And you pay me back by whoring around with her?"

"Pot, meet kettle."

"I had a reason! I was entitled Alex. I had every right, you didn't!"

"You had a right? A right to go out and fuck around? I'm the one who was almost raped Olivia!"

"Oh please! He was on your back Alex, just how was he going to rape you? The way you spread'em on that bed, what do you think he was going to do? Or was he ever even on you? You probably went along with it. You lured him to his death all because you were afraid he'd out you." Olivia couldn't believe the words as they left her mouth, but Alex had hurt her. Knowing that Morgan had touched her drove her mad.

Alex's eye narrowed and she advanced on Olivia. "What did you just say?"

Standing her ground even though she knew everything Alex had said was right, she replied, "You heard me." She ignored the little voice in her mind that was shouting at her to shut-up.

"Do you think I wanted to be raped again?"

Unable to stop herself, Olivia shot off, "You didn't seem to fare to badly last time."

Using a swift kick move, Alex had Olivia on her back and was sitting on top of her, hands around her neck. She was blind with rage and began screaming at the brunette. She placed her knees into Olivia's shoulders, pinning her beneath the woman.

"You fucking bitch. How dare you even suggest I didn't go through hell?"

She leaned down and placed her forearm against Olivia's throat, partially blocking her airway. Three years of pent up rage was about to come tumbling out. She reached down into Olivia's pants and wasn't surprised to find that the woman was packing. She roughly ripped the dildo out of her pants and held it up for her to see.

Olivia was on the verge of passing out from a lack of oxygen and Alex let up just enough to allow her to breath, staving off the blackness.

"Do you want this?" When there was no response, Alex screamed at her, "Answer me. Do you want this shoved up your pussy?"

"…N-No." She tried to get away from Alex. "…P-please."

"What's that? Are you begging me?" She sneered at Olivia. "I'm going to fuck you whether you want me to or not."

Alex's adrenaline fueled strength was no match for a woman on the verge of passing out.

She quickly adjusted her body and shoved her hand back down into Olivia's pants and tugged. Removing that hand, she grabbed the dildo again and tried to stick it in Olivia's mouth.

Olivia was now genuinely scared and tears were leaking from the corner of her eyes.

"Please Alex…"

"Please what Olivia?"

Her voice broke. "Please don't do this."

Alex looked at her. "Are you scared?" Olivia nodded. "Helpless?" Again she nodded. "Good." She roughly grabbed Olivia's breast. "Does this feel good?"

"…N-no. Please don't."

Alex finally sat up and looked down at a gasping Olivia.

"I want you to remember this Olivia. Remember the terror you just felt; how you were powerless against me. I could have raped you Olivia and there was nothing you could do about it. Do you understand me?"

Olivia was coughing and sputtered, "…Y-yes."

"This is what I felt every night for 6 weeks. This is what I felt when he forced me to suck his dick and then swallow; when he climbed on top of me and shoved into me. What you felt is a fraction of what I felt all those nights, knowing there was nothing I could do about it." She leaned back down next to the brunette's ear. "This is exactly what your mother felt while your father was raping her and making you."

Olivia's eyes went wide and a fresh wave of tears poured down her face.

"I was asleep when he climbed on my back and I felt his bulge and I thought it was you. YOU. And then I felt his breath on my face and his stubble on my cheek and it reminded me of Robert." She eased her hold on the brunette. "And there was no way I was going through that again Olivia. Do you hear me? If I had it to do over again I would still kill him. I have no regrets about shooting him and I am glad he's dead. I was not going to be raped again. Period." She looked down into Olivia's face. "And you never even considered that."

She stood up and went into the bathroom, returning with a damp wash cloth. She handed it to a now sitting Olivia.

"Don't you ever suggest that I didn't suffer during that time again." She threw the dildo at Olivia and went into the room that used to be a nursery. Her sobs could be heard through the door.

Olivia sat up and tried to orient herself. She was stunned by what almost happened and staggered into the bathroom. She splashed cold water on her face and took a good look in the mirror; there were angry fingerprints on her neck and faint bruising was beginning to form.

She rinsed her mouth out and used the towel to dry her face and tears. Alex' s words played over and over in her head and as she stood there she thought about how strong Alex was. She also found herself thinking about her mother and then she felt shame for saying those things to Alex.

Taking several deep breaths, she walked over to the door of the room and hesitated. She didn't know if she should knock or just go on in. She split the difference and opened the door as she knocked.

"Alex?" Her voice was raspy.

The blonde was curled up on the floor, clutching what looked like a teddy bear. Her back was to Olivia and she could see her shoulders shuddering.

"G-Go away."

"No. I've done enough of that, don't you think?"

She walked into the room and sat down next to Alex, not touching her.

"I needed you Olivia." She wiped her nose.

"I know." Olivia eased toward Alex. "Will you let me hold you?"

"I needed your arms around me that night Olivia, not here, not now."

"O-Ok. Is there anything you need right now?"

Alex sniffed. "A good stiff drink. Can you please ask Mason to bring me one on your way out?"

Olivia debated how to respond. "I'll tell Mason to bring you a drink, but I'm not going anywhere."

Before Alex could answer, she stood and left the room, going in search of Mason.

XXXXXXXXXX

Seeing the disheveled Olivia Benson immediately put Mason on alert. He stood and moved toward her, eyeing the marks around her neck. He glanced from her neck to her eyes and back again.

"What the Hell has happened?"

Shocked by the usually proper man's curse word, Olivia blinked and then shook her head. She cleared her throat and tried to speak.

"I need you to bring Alex a drink. A stiff drink." Not waiting for his reply, she turned and went back upstairs.

XXXXXXXXXX

Alex had locked herself in the bathroom while Olivia was gone and the brunette hadn't been able to get her to open the door. She'd taken a seat on the edge of Alex's bed, which is where Mason found her as he entered the room with a shot of tequila.

"She's locked herself in the bathroom." Olivia's voice was still raspy and mason once again raised an eyebrow at her.

"What did you do to her?"

"Me? I didn't do anything! She's the one at fault here."

Mason frowned and knocked on the door. "Governor?"

"Do you have my drink?"

"Yes. Please open the door and I will give it to you."

"Is she still out there?"

"I'm right here Alex and I'm not leaving."

"I'm not opening the door until she's gone."

Mason spared Olivia a glance. "Governor, I need to see you and verify that you are ok." He cut his eyes in Olivia's direction. "Otherwise I will be forced to call security."

Alex threw the door open and grabbed her drink, downing the amber liquid in one drink. She handed the glass back to Mason and started to shut the door. The man put his foot in harm's way to stop her.

Frustrated, Alex opened the door once again and barked, "Fine." She stalked over to Olivia and glared at her. "Please leave us alone."

Satisfied that no harm had come to Alex and that neither woman was going to kill the other, he turned and left.  
>"What?"<p>

"A-Alex…I'm sorry. About earlier. I was way out of line and I don't know why I said those things. I'm ashamed I said them."

Alex's face gave nothing away. "You don't know why you said them?"

Olivia looked surprised. "No…I don't."

Alex rubbed her forehead and sighed. She pushed past Olivia and sat down on her bed.

"Olivia…I love you. I've always loved you and I'll probably go to my grave loving you. But I can't do this anymore. I've needed you and you've let me down each time. You haven't had the confidence or strength or whatever to believe in me, my love for you or us. That hurts and I'm tired of hurting because of you." She looked down, finding the strength to go on and continued. "Olivia, I know why you said those things. It saddens me that you don't."

She was cut off by Olivia who grabbed her and pulled her into a deep kiss. Alex was surprised and accepting of the kiss at first, but quickly pulled away.

"Stop Liv." Alex's voice was tiny, broken almost.

"Alex?" She cupped the blonde's cheek. "Please?" When Alex said nothing, she moved closer and tried to kiss her again. "Please baby…please." Her voice was barely above a whisper.

"No."

"Why not Alex? It's when we're most connected."

Alex gave her a weak smile. "And that's why we can't Olivia. We've always been very good together physically, but never in all the other ways. I've had a lot of time to think Olivia and I know what I want." She worried with her hands. "I want you, but I want a real relationship Liv. I don't want to have to sneak around in a morgue, or ferry you in and out of here at all hours. I want to dress up with you and go to dinner's and movies and theaters and whatever else there is." She gave Olivia's hand a squeeze. "And I want to make love to you Olivia. Really make love. We've never done that."

"Yes we have! Every time I'm with you it's making love!"

Alex shook her head. "We've had some very good sex Liv, and I feel the same way you do, but there's always an urgency or almost desperate like quality to the sex we have. Just once I want to lay down with you and spend the night with you and not have to worry about being somewhere else or about who might walk in on us. I think the closest we ever came was right before the Cheryl Avery case. And I think we would have succeeded if we weren't such new lovers."

Olivia smiled at the memory and then sobered. "What are you saying Alex?"

"I'm saying Liv that I want you, but I want you only if you are willing to be present and accountable in this relationship. I want to be out with you and you have to be comfortable with that. I want you to be my family, and to make love with you, and to dance with you and to know you aren't going anywhere the first time it gets rocky."

Olivia swallowed hard. "Ok."

Alex shook her head. "No Liv, you don't get to decide that quickly. I want you to really think about this because Liv, if you bail again, that's it. We're done forever. I won't be hurt by you again. And I want you to be able to tell me why you said those things."

Olivia looked lost. "So what does this mean? I…I know I want to be with you Alex. I don't need time."

Alex placed her finger on Olivia's lips. "Take your time Olivia. If you decide that you do want to be with me, it's a commitment. A life long commitment. It's forever."

Olivia slowly nodded, finally grasping what Alex was saying. "Ok. I understand and you're right, it is a lot to take in and decide." She leaned in and gave Alex a chaste kiss. "No matter what Alex, know that I love you."

Alex smiled at her and hugged her.

"Take care of yourself Alex and good luck Tuesday."

She was just about to leave the room when Alex stopped her.

"Liv? I'm sorry about what I did and said today."

"I know."


	21. Chapter 21

Alex went through the rest of the weekend as she was scheduled to and met with very little hostility to her announcement of being gay. She knew she wouldn't hear from Olivia any time soon and tried to ignore the little voice that always added, 'if ever.'"

She made the obligatory last minute campaign stops on Monday and during the day on Tuesday. Her brother and sister and their families were coming to the mansion for election night results and to offer their support. Plus her sister told her, she wanted to make sure she was really doing ok and would it be alright if she brought a friend or two with her. One of whom she informed Alex was a major donor. Alex had agreed, not giving it much thought.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Election Night

Caroline Cabot Hilliard hugged her sister and pulled her out of ear shot of the other guests.

"How are you big sister?"

Alex sort of shrugged and managed a small smile. "I'm ok all things considered."

Caroline, who bore a striking resemblance to her sister searched her face and shook her head. "What's going on with Olivia?"

Alex looked shocked and was at a loss for words, finally sputtering out, "W-What? What do you mean?"

Caroline pulled her over to the couch and sat down, holding her sister's hands.

"Al, it's ok. I know. I've known for a very long time."

"How? Does Woody know?" She looked in the direction of their brother, Alexander Woodrow Cabot the IV, six years her junior.

Caroline shook her head. "Not that I know of. As for me, remember my visit to the city right before…Velez? I arrived earlier than you were expecting me and I saw Olivia leaving your building. Her hair was wet and she looked sleepy." Caroline grinned. "I suppose she should have, it was just before 7am on a Saturday morning. At first I thought maybe it was a case or something and you'd worked late and she'd spent the night. But when you opened the door wearing a towel and your own wet head, and a look of terror at seeing me, I sort of figured something more was going on. I also noticed there were no blankets on the couch and you had bottles of beer in your fridge." She titled Alex's chin up so she could look her in the eyes. "My sister does not drink beer!"

"So you know I was lying during my interview."  
>"I suspect dear sister that you've had to lie quite a bit since you entered politics." She didn't wait for Alex to acknowledge what she'd said. "I've come prepared to spend the night. Too much distance is between us Al. You don't have to go through this alone and I'm not going to let you."<p>

Alex hugged her sister, finding comfort in her arms.

"What does Jonah think of all this?" She was worried about her sister's conservative husband who had chastised her for blocking the marriage amendment.

Caroline smiled. "He's coming around. He even suggested I bring that donor I told you about."

Alex looked confused. "What does that mean?"

Caroline made a motion with her hand and Alex followed with her eyes. They came to rest on a stunning woman who was about her height with long chestnut colored hair and an obviously athletic build.

"Who is that?"

Caroline smiled and went to retrieve the woman. When she returned she introduced them.

"Toni Beal, meet my sister, Alex Cabot."

Alex was surprised to find piercing green eyes focused on her as they shook hands. Toni held on a moment longer than necessary and Alex had to gently tug her hand free of the other woman's.

"Thank you for donating to my campaign. My sister says you have been quite generous."

She gave Alex a dazzling smile. "I agree with your position on most of the issues, especially the marriage bill. It has personal significance to me." She held Alex's gaze and the blonde knew she what she was doing.

"You're welcome." Alex offered her a smile and excused herself to go find her sister. Caroline had watched the exchange and noted that while the other woman had made an impression, her sister wasn't immediately smitten with her.

"Well?"

"She's a looker and she seems nice."

"But she's not Olivia?"

Alex shot her a look. "Let's just wait and talk about this tonight, ok?"  
>XXXXXXXXXXXXX<p>

Stabler House in Queens

Kathy Stabler looked at a clearly miserable Olivia before speaking. Getting a slight nod she proceeded.

"Have you spoken to Alex, Olivia?"

"Nope."

"Are you going to call her if she wins. Or loses?"

"Nope."

"Do you love her?"

Olivia finally looked at her and glared. "You know I do, so why are you even asking?"

Kathy countered with, "Because people who love each other usually want to share their joys and sorrows together."

"I'm…I'm not ready to talk to her. She gave me some pretty specific rules and I'm still thinking about them."

"That's fair." They turned their attention back to the TV where Alex had just been declared the projected winner and was standing at a podium with her family and supporters crowded around her. Kathy noticed the dark haired beauty three people away from Alex and the way she was starring at the blonde. "I just wouldn't take too long if I were you."

Olivia followed her line of sight and scowled when she saw the way the woman was ogling Alex. It wasn't overt unless you were a lesbian and knew what to look for. She felt her stomach tighten and a wave of anger washed over her.

It was short lived however as Alex began to speak and Olivia felt pride for Alex. The blonde was authoritative and thanked everyone including the NYPD and both her and Elliot by name for protecting her during the latest attempt on her life.

"She's incredible and strong and beautiful." She was looking a bit awestruck as she stated her thoughts.

"And she's yours if you'll just claim her."

Olivia stood and bid them goodbye, eager to retreat to her apartment and brood.  
>XXXXXXXXXXXXX<p>

Governor's Mansion

As the night began to wind down, Alex and her family and friends had headed back to the mansion from the hotel ballroom for a private celebration. After a couple of glasses of champagne, the remaining crowd began to thin and soon it was just Alex, her sister, Toni and Mason.

Caroline sensed that Toni wanted a minute alone with Alex and asked Mason to help her take her bag up to Alex's room. She also wanted to inquire about her sister's mental health after everything that had happened.

"Congratulations Gov. Cabot."

Alex smiled. "Thank you."

Toni shifted from foot to foot. "Your sister tells me you are coming to dinner at her house this Sunday. She's invited me, but before I accept, I wanted to make sure you were ok with that?"

Alex considered the question and finally found herself nodding. There were no guarantees Olivia would come back to her and she had no intentions of sleeping with this woman and it was just dinner at her sister's house, so what was the harm?

"I'll see you then." She smiled and moved to kiss Alex's cheek, but the blonde stopped her by offering her hand.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Meanwhile….

"How is she Mason and don't try that 'I don't betray confidences' thing with me."

"All things considered she is holding up fairly well."

"And Olivia? What's going on there?"

Mason didn't seem surprised that she knew about the brunette. "I am unsure, but it needs to resolve itself. And you need to have a very frank conversation with your sister. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've said too much as it is."

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Later that Night

Alex and her sister were going to sleep in the same bed just like they'd done as little girls. Caroline remembered how they'd shared their most secret thoughts as teens and how it was Alex who'd comforted her after her first boyfriend had broken up with her, but not before deflowering her on her 16th birthday. She recalled how angry and indignant a 18 year old Alex had been and how she'd confided to Caroline that she was herself still a virgin. How 6 months later it was she who comforted Alex, home for the summer from Columbia, and just before her trip to Europe, when her own boyfriend had broken up with her because she wouldn't sleep with him.

She found herself wondering now if Alex had been conflicted all those years ago and that's why she was the ripe old age of 19 before she finally allowed Trevor Langan the pleasure of her body.

Alex cut off the light as she crawled into bed with her sister and immediately lay her head on her shoulder and began to sob. Caroline simply held her and stroked her hair and whispered, "Let it out Alex. It's ok."

And she did. She told her sister about knowing she was a lesbian all the way back in high school, how their mother had questioned her about her preferences after a trip home from law school with Molly Jensen. How they'd only been lovers that one summer but somehow their mother knew, even four years later, that something non-platonic had transpired between them. How she'd admitted to having slept with the girl and how their mother had spent the next six months being cool with Alex until she brought Allen Messing home on fall break that year. How Mrs. Cabot hold told her she knew it had to be a phase and that while she'd love Alex no matter what, it was certainly easier to love a heterosexual daughter than a lesbian.

"Oh Alex, I'm so sorry." She stroked her sister's hair and hugged her tighter. "Alex, after you died, Olivia took really good care of Mom. Of all of us. She made sure to visit or call Mom at least once a month."

Alex seemed surprised. "She did? She never told me."

"Mom knew she loved you and she asked me if I thought you two had been involved. I was honest Alex. I told her what I'd seen that morning and she nodded and said, 'I couldn't have picked better for her.'"

Alex raised her head. "She was ok with it?"

"Mom always did have the capacity to change. Besides, she believed you were dead, a belief she questioned near the end of her life when Olivia's visits became more frequent. She said it seemed as though Olivia was observing her as if she would one day have to report the details to you. She surmised you were alive somewhere." Caroline hugged her tighter. "I wrote it off as the wishful thinking of a dying woman."

Alex's tears started anew and with them came new revelations about the past four years. She talked about her sham marriage and about her abuse at the hands of Robert and her pain at Olivia's abandonment and her guilt at aborting her baby. She told her sister about Morgan and her guilt over that and about what had happened with Olivia on Friday and how the only thing she wanted, the only thing that mattered was having the brunette in her life, but how she couldn't risk being hurt again.

And finally she slept. 


	22. Chapter 22

Mason knocked on the door the next morning, waking both women. He entered after Alex called for him to and averted his eyes from the groggy form of her sister.

"Governor, flower arrangements have begun to arrive. What shall I do with them?"

Alex rubbed her eyes. "Uhm, send them to as many assisted living facilities as you can."

"There is one arrangement that you may wish to keep Governor."

Alex arched an eyebrow. "Oh?"

Mason nodded and approached her, note card in hand. She read it and felt a tiny surge of hope deep in her stomach.

A-

Congratulations!

I love you.

O

Mason caught the tiny flicker in her eyes and suppressed his own smile. Knowing what she was about to ask her offered, "Tiger lilies."

More to herself than anyone else she replied, "My favorite. She remembered."

"I'll bring them upstairs."

"Thank you."

After he'd gone her sister shook her head. "You are so far gone for her."

Alex sighed. "I am. I just hope she comes through this time."

"Maybe she will." Her sister considered her next words carefully and finally just blurted out what she was thinking. "Al, I want you to go see somebody, get some help. Ok?"

Alex shook her head. "And just who am I supposed to go see? Who do you think I can trust?"

Caroline stroked her sister's hair. "Isn't there anybody from your old squad? Wasn't there a Dr. Huang? Or that woman, Dr. Olivet?"

Alex was very quiet for a long while. "If I do this, will you go with me?"

Caroline nodded. "Of course."

Alex finally smiled. "Now, tell me all about this dinner that Toni is invited to on Sunday."

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia tentatively knocked on the wood grain door and waited to be summoned in before sticking her head inside the door.

"Got a minute?"

Rebecca Hendricks was visibly surprised to find Capt. Olivia Benson standing in her office, looking lost.

"Uh, Olivia. Come in. What can I do for you?"

Olivia looked everywhere but her former lover's face before finally sitting down and looking at her.

"I…I need some help. Advice really." She waited for Rebecca to acknowledge her. "It's about some of the stuff you said in your email."

Rebecca sighed. "Liv…I'm sorry. I was out of line with that email. I said some pretty harsh things."

Olivia shrugged. "Maybe, but you also said some things that were dead on, no matter how harsh. I uh, I…well, I'm trying to figure some things out so I can make a decision about Alex."

Rebecca gave her a soft smile and motioned for her to proceed.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Friday afternoon, Albany

Alex was sitting on the couch in her office, her sister by her side, looking at Elizabeth Olivet, unsure of where to start. The redhead had agreed to come to Albany to see her for an initial consultation and Alex had cleared her afternoon schedule. The agreement was that if Alex wanted to continue seeing Elizabeth, then all subsequent visits would occur in the city.

"Where would you like to start Alex?"

"I lied in my interview with CNN."

Alex spent the next two hours recounting everything that had happened in the last 5 years. As she told the other woman, her chest began to feel lighter and lighter and she became more comfortable and less inhibited.

XXXXXXXXXX

Friday afternoon, NYC

Olivia was sitting across from Dr. Skoda, looking very uncomfortable.

"So…where's Elizabeth?"

"She was called away on an emergency outside the city. I'm sorry, but she said you agreed to meet with me this time?"

She nodded. "Yeah, either one of you, I was just curious to know where she was." She crossed and uncrossed her legs. "So…"

XXXXXXXXXX

Alex and her sister, who'd ended up spending the entire week with her, were having an early dinner.

"How are you feeling?"

Alex wiped her mouth. "Pretty good actually. Thanks for staying with me."

Her sister took her hand. "No problem Al. I just want you to be happy." She glanced at her sister. "Speaking of which, are you still coming to dinner Sunday?"

"Of course! Why wouldn't I?"

She shrugged. "Just curious. Didn't know if maybe you'd had some sort of Olivia epiphany or something."

Alex placed her napkin on her plate. "God how I wish I could talk to her!" And make love to her and be with her and love her and runaway with her.

"Would it do any good to suggest calling her?" At the look she was given, she finished with. "Okaaaay. Just a suggestion."

"Tell me more about Toni."

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia found herself in the very peculiar position of having dinner with both Rebecca Hendricks and Julia Millfield. At Julia's house.

"This is weird."

Julia smirked at her. "Why?"

Rebecca answered for Olivia. "Because she's been to bed with both of us and now we're going at it like dogs in heat."

Olivia stuck her fingers in her ears. "Lalalalalalala!"

Julia reached over and gently removed the finger closest to her from the brunette's ear.

"Olivia, if it isn't a problem for us, it shouldn't be for you. Now, you came to talk to us about your presence in relationships with us, so let's talk."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Sunday at Caroline Hilliard's house

"Toni, it's good to see you again." Alex extended her hand in greeting.

"Governor."

Both women took a moment to eye the other before sitting down to have dinner.

Afterwards, Caroline managed to arrange for them to have some free time together, alone.

"So Governor…"

Alex laughed. "Please, call me Alex. Governor sounds so formal."

"Ok…Alex, would you have any interest in going out on a date with me?"

The truth was, no, she had no interest in going out with the other woman. She wanted Olivia, but realized that might not happen so she found herself inviting Toni to the Governor's Mansion instead going out in public with the other woman. She reasoned that with her recent revelation, any woman she was seen with and not related to would immediately become her new love interest in the press. And she didn't want Olivia to see her with another woman.

Toni had tried to give her a peck on the cheek, but Alex had stuck her hand out instead and offered her, her best politician's smile.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Two weeks later, just before Thanksgiving

Alex had been having Toni over to the mansion a couple of times a week to either watch a movie or socialize with her family, but they had not gone out in public yet and Toni was getting a bit frustrated with the pace at which they were going. It had only been in the last couple of days that Alex had allowed her a peck on the cheek. Alex was scheduled to attend the Macy's Day parade and Toni had none to gently hinted that she'd like to accompany her and sit in the VIP box. So far Alex had been silent on the outing, weighing her options.

"Alex, why not just invite her? All of your family is going to be there, so she'll just blend right in."

Alex blew out a breath. "I'm just not ready for that Caroline. There's going to be a media frenzy whenever I do make an appearance with a woman. You know that!"

Caroline pursed her lips. "I bet you'd be ready if it was Olivia."

"That's different!" She scowled at her sister. "Come on, I'm going to be late for my appointment with Elizabeth!"

They had planned on staying in the city that night and Wednesday night, then attending the parade on Thursday before heading back to the governor's mansion for Thanksgiving dinner.

They pulled up in front of Elizabeth and Dr. Skoda's office. As they were getting out of the town car, Alex caught sight of two brunette's emergin from the office. She flinched when she realized it was Olivia and Julia Millfield. She'd pulled the former captain's picture when she's first heard of the incident involving Olivia's brother. Her sister followed her line of sight.

"Oh no."

Alex and Olivia locked eyes, each woman surprised at seeing the other. Alex's eyes went from Olivia to Julia and back. Olivia frantically realized what Alex was thinking and moved in her direction.

"Alex!"

Alex flicked her eyes at her sister and silently told her it was ok.

"Olivia." She looked back at Julia, who was looking very uncomfortable. "Julia isn't it?"

Julia nodded and then spoke to Olivia. "I'll call you later." Feeling benevolent she added, "I'm staying at Rebecca's tonight."

Alex's brow furrowed in confusion.

Olivia took her by the arm and led her away from her sister.

"Can I talk to you?" Alex nodded. "I'm not with her Alex. I swear. I…I've been seeing Dr. Olivet and Julia and Rebecca have been trying to help me."

"With what?"

"The answer to that question you asked me."

"You need two of your former lover's to help with that?"

Olivia looked surprised. "Yeah, I do."

"Whatever." Alex tried to move around her.

"What are you doing here?"

"That's none of your business." She pulled away from the brunette, jerked her thumb at her sister and moved up the steps and into the building.

In the window above, unseen by anybody stood Elizabeth Olivet. She'd deliberately kept Olivia and Julia longer than the appointment hoping she'd run into Alex.

Meanwhile….

Alex was furiously punching Toni's number into her cell phone.

"Toni? It's Alex. How would you like to accompany me and my family to the Macy's Day Parade?" 

Alex's appointment had been tense with the blonde accusing Dr. Olivet of planning her run-in with Olivia. Elizabeth took it all in stride and simply asked Alex what was so bad about running into Olivia?

"She's so fucking clueless that she has to rely on two of her old fuck buddies to figure out what ought to be simple!" Alex was incensed. "I should just completely forget her and fuck Toni and move on with my life!"

Caroline laid her hand on her sister's forearm. "Alex, what good will sleeping with Toni do? You told me you aren't even that attracted to her!"

Alex threw her hands up. "Like that's ever stopped somebody from having sex!"

Caroline decided to try another tact with her sister. "Alex, for all intents and purposes, the media will view Toni, as will Toni herself, as your first lesbian love interest. This will tie you to her forever, unlike picking some woman up in a bar and sleeping with her!"

Alex paused as she considered this.

"So? It might do some people some good to see me on the cover of, God I hope, The Ledger!"

Caroline shook her head. "Alex, listen to yourself! Don't you have any regard for your body?"

Alex huffed. "Regard for my body? Yes, I have regard for my body! I waited on her for two years before I lay down with anybody else! I think I regarded my body quite nicely, don't you? And look where it got me!"

They spent the rest of her session going round and round and finally Alex stormed out.

XXXXXXXXXXX

The Next Afternoon

Olivia didn't want to go to Rebecca's so she ended up going to see Kathy Stabler.

Kathy poured her a cup of coffee and sat down at the table with her.

"So you saw each other outside a shrinks office?"

"Yeah."

"So obviously you are both trying to get some help." Olivia reluctantly nodded. "Olivia, your relationship with Olivia is volatile. Are you sure you two are good for each other?"

Instead of answering that question, Olivia opted for answering an unasked one. "Kathy, I don't think we have any choice. It's like we can't stand to be together, but we can't bear to be apart. Does that make sense?"

"Olivia, love shouldn't hurt. Does being with Alex make you hurt?"

Olivia shook her head. "No, not really. Even when I'm angry at her, I love being around her." She absently rubbed her neck. "Well, most of the time."

"Do you think you cause Alex pain when you're together?"

Olivia looked almost afraid to answer the question. "Maybe."

Kathy cocked her head to the side. "Do you think she'd keep coming back if it were too painful?"

"Probably not."  
>"So why does she?"<p>

Without hesitation Olivia responded, "Because she loves me. And I love her."

Kathy waited for her to clue in and when she didn't she watched, dumbfounded as the brunette left her house.

"Dear God Olivia, nobody can be that dense."

The brunette decided to go home and just take a nap.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Alex Cabot's Apartment, NYC

"Toni, please, come in."

She'd chosen her outfit with great care and knew it was a success as the other woman allowed her eyes to linger on Alex's cleavage just a tad too long. After leaving her brother and sister and their families at the Cabot family apartment, Alex had asked Mason to bring her to her old apartment. She'd phoned Toni and asked her to meet her there and had insinuated that they would be getting a little further that night. She was hell bent on forgetting Olivia, even though there was a nagging voice in her mind screaming at her to not do this. Toni didn't realize that Alex ment she had every intention of sleeping with her.

She took the other woman's coat and then wrapped her arms around her neck and kissed her deeply.

"What's changed Alex?"

The blonde shrugged and then led the other woman into the living room. She poured them each a glass of wine and they sat sipping it and making idle chit-chat. Alex had forbidden herself from jumping on the woman until she'd been there at least two hours.

She settled into the V of Toni's legs and rested against her.

"So you've never actually been to bed with a woman? I mean, that's the way it sounded in your interview."

Alex suppressed a flinch and managed to give a non-committal grunt.

Toni kissed the top of her head. "You know, I've never had a virgin before. I'm kind of excited. I really, really care about you Alex. And I'll be easy with you the first time. You don't even have to reciprocate."

Alex had to resist rolling her eyes and simply patted Toni's hand. Her sister's words were going over and over in her mind. She tried to turn over and silence the woman with a kiss, but instead she spilled wine all over Toni's shirt.

"Oh God! I'm sorry." She scrambled to clean up the spill. She instructed Toni to take the shirt off and she'd throw it in the washer. She left her in the guest bathroom while she went to deposit the shirt and find Toni an old one of her's to wear.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Meanwhile….

Olivia awoke with a start, sweat pouring down her face. She'd had a bad dream involving Alex in which all she could keep saying to an obviously in distress Alex, was, "I love you, I love you, I love you! I did it because I love you!"

She took several deep breaths and tried to calm her heart. "I know! I know why." She picked up the phone and dialed Alex's cell phone which went straight to voice mail. Swearing, she called Mason's phone, which went unanswered, and lastly she called the Cabot family apartment. She'd nosed around the NYPD's special security division and found out that Alex was in town until Thanksgiving afternoon.

"Hello, Caroline?"

"Yes? Is this you Olivia?"

"Yes. I need Alex, where is she?"

At the frantic tone to her voice she blurted out that Alex was at her old apartment and before she could inform Olivia that she wasn't alone, the line went dead.

Driving like a maniac, Olivia even used the dashboard light and after a few flashes of her badge she was ascended the steps to Alex's apartment, fearing the elevator might take too long. Had she taken the elevator, she would have encountered a hurriedly dressed woman being escorted out of the building.

XXXXXXXXXXX

5 Minutes Earlier

"You won't believe where I'm at! I'm in her guest bathroom, naked. She 'accidentally' spilled wine on my shirt and told me to wait in here while she brings me a shirt to wear! What? Of course it's a come on! She admitted that she's never been with a woman, so I took off all my clothes and when she comes back I'll let her 'accidentally' walk in on me! We'll be fucking in no time. I'm so going to pop that lesbian cherry! What? Oh yeah, I hadn't thought about that! There's no better way to advance our agenda than to be fucking the governor. Yeah, leak it to all the papers. I'll make sure she walks me out tomorrow morning and I'll give her a big one. She'll be so smitten by the time I'm done, she'll be on all fours begging me to fist her! " She seemed to be listening to other person and then she laughed. "Oh, I'll let you know if she's a true blonde or not. Hey, I have my cell phone, so after she goes to  
>sleep, I'll take pictures of her. Too bad she's not a red head, you know that's what I really dig. Yeah, after this we should get just about any type of funding we want!"<p>

"Get out!"

Toni turned to find an irate looking Alex Cabot. She immediately hung-up the phone and approached Alex.

"Baby, wait…this isn't what it seems!"

Alex hurled her stained shirt at her and picked up her other clothing.

"Get the fuck out! You fucking bitch! What the hell is wrong with you? 'Lesbian cherry?' What are you, a 16 year old boy?" She grabbed her by the arm and pulled her out of the bathroom. She went over to the light switch and flipped one of the switches, sending a panic alert to her security detail. Within seconds the room was filled with three men, guns drawn. They stopped at the sight before them.

"The trash needs to be taken out. Please escort Ms. Beal out of the building and leave notice that she is NEVER to get back in."

The men guided her out into the hall where they stood guard while she dressed. One was about to go back in and check on Alex when Mason appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, but looking less than put together. His shirt looked as if it'd been hastily buttoned, and then not all the way and his tie was nowhere to be found.

"Governor Cabot? Are you alright?"

Alex was still shaking with anger, but managed to nod. She turned to face him and the sight of the usually unflappable assistant almost made her laugh. Almost.

"Mason?"

"I came as soon as I received the page. I was…otherwise involved."

Alex raised an eyebrow. "I want details Mason, but not right now." She walked over and gave him a hug and sniffed. There was a faint whiff of something, but she was too distracted to place the fragrance. "Now, if you'll please leave me alone. And tell everyone else to leave me alone as well."

"Are you sure?" She nodded. He eyed her and then excused himself.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Once she was alone, Alex began to shake and sob. She slid down to the floor and then curled into the fetal position. Olivia was out of breath by the time she reached Alex's door and took a moment to try and catch up. It was as she was bent over, that she heard the sobs coming from inside.

"Alex? Alex open up! It's Olivia!"

When Alex didn't answer she rattled the doorknob and was surprised when the door flew open. She hurried to Alex's side. Afraid she was hurt.

"Alex, baby, are you hurt?" She managed to get the blonde to turn over and wasn't surprised when she wrapped her arms around her neck and held on for dear life. "Alex, can you talk? Please?" She was looking around for any sign of struggle or any sign of Alex's security detail. "Alex, sweetie, what is it?"

"I need you."

"And I'm here and I'm not leaving."

She managed to scoop the blonde up and carry her into the bedroom, where she lay her on the bed and then crawled under the covers with her. She held her for the next two hours, saying nothing more than soothing words and rubbing her back.

When she finally drifted off to sleep, Olivia called Mason to try and find out what was going on. He informed Olivia of what he knew, which made her furious. After trying, somewhat successfully, to calm down, she fixed a pot of hot tea and took a cup into Alex's bedroom, where she found the blonde lying on her back and looking up at the ceiling.

"Alex?"

Surprised, she sat up. "You're really here? You're still here?"

Olivia nodded. "Yeah and I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

She handed the blonde her tea and smiled as she drank it.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Alex shook her head but started talking anyway. She told Olivia about everything that had happened, even the part about deciding to sleep with the other woman. Olivia responded by simply pulling her into her arms and holding her.

Alex began stroking up and down Olivia's back and nuzzling her neck. That was followed by some feather light kisses and that led to a few kisses that turned deep and arousing. She lay back and pulled Olivia down on top of her.

"Make love to me."

Olivia, swallowed hard and pulled back to look her in the face.

"No." 

XXXXXXXXXX

Alex struggled to sit up, pushing at Olivia as she did so.

"Get off me! Haven't I been humiliated enough tonight?" She quit pushing against Olivia and tried to move around her. "Please…."

"No, Alex no! Just listen to me baby, please?"

Alex stopped moving and hung her head. Olivia tipped it up and forced her to meet her eyes.

"I love you. That's why I said those things Alex." Realizing how that sounded she tried to clarify. "What I mean is, knowing that Morgan had touched you, made love to you…it pissed me off. It hurt me and it made me angry Alex. It made me angry with you and her and mainly me. What I said, what I did, it was inexcusable. But Alex, I see red where you're concerned. I can't stand the thought of anybody knowing your body like that. Baby, that's not healthy. We're not healthy together."

Alex nodded and managed to get out, "I know. I'm sorry and thank you for being here with me but if you'll just call Mason…."

"Alex, no! I'm not leaving. I'm here Alex and I plan on staying for a long time. I just think we should get some help."

Alex sniffed. "You said that once before and then you left."

Olivia sighed. "I know baby and I am so sorry." She kissed Alex's fingertips. "I'm here Alex. I'm here. It's going to be different this time. I promise."

Alex didn't need to remind her she'd said the same thing once before and then bailed only to be taken back by Alex again.

Alex wanted to believe her this time, just like all the others, but her heart wouldn't let her. Not yet.

"So why won't you…you know?"

She gave her a soft smile. "You had a very good point Alex; we are awesome in bed, but we really suck at everything else. I want this time to be different and that means no sex. Not for a while anyway. It just distracts us."

Alex managed to smile at that and then nod. "I want to change into my pj's."

"Ok. Do I still have a pair of boxers here and a t-shirt?"

She was only mildly surprised when Alex pulled her ratty t-shirt and thin boxers out of the pillowcase of the other pillow. She waited until Alex was in the bathroom before she changed and was already under the covers when Alex emerged from the bathroom.

Alex wrapped herself around Olivia and they lay silently for a while.

"Hey Alex, will you go to couples counseling with me?"

"Yes."

"Good."

"Liv? You didn't happen to see Mason tonight did you?"  
>"No, why?"<p>

Alex proceeded to tell Olivia about his less than crisp appearance when he arrived. She also noted the faint smell and lack of tie.

"Liv, I think he may have been with someone. You know, 'been' with someone."

"Do you think it was a man or a woman?"

"I…I don't know. I'll get the details out of him." She hugged the brunette tighter. "You'll come with us tomorrow won't you?"

"Yeah. Now I have to investigate the Mason thing!"

They shared a laugh and finally drifted off to sleep.

XXXXXXXX

Thanksgiving Day

Alex had awakened to an uneasy feeling. She had an irrational fear concerning Olivia's actions from the night before. She slipped out of bed and into the shower and wasn't surprised when Olivia didn't join her. However, her absence only made her unease that much more.

Olivia had gone home to get ready, and Alex was going to send a town car for her and she would be joining them at the VIP box.

Alex had been unusually quiet on the ride to Macy's and her sister was more than a little concerned. Mason had informed her of what he knew and Alex had refused to talk about it beyond that. She did however let her sister know that Olivia would be joining them in the VIP box, but had clamed up right after announcing that.

Olivia greeted her with a bright smile and a warm hug, which she also bestowed upon Caroline and everybody else in the party. She casually took the seat next to Alex and while she was dying to take her hand, she knew she couldn't. Alex hadn't met her eyes more than three times and her smile always seemed a bit off. She'd even refused a Coney Dog, which Olivia knew was her favorite treat.

As the Snoopy balloon passed by, Alex excused herself to go to the bathroom. When both Caroline and Olivia started to follow her, she shot them both death glares. Caroline moved into the seat next to Olivia and nudged her.

"What happened last night?"

Olivia shook her head. "It was a nightmare and if I ever see that cunt Toni Beal, I'll kill her."

Caroline waved her comments off.

"I meant between the two of you. First she tells me she invited you after you spent the night with her and now she won't even look at you! What did you do?"

"Me? Nothing except profess my love, suggest couples counseling and deny her mind blowing sex on the basis that it's a distraction for us."

Caroline laughed. "Is that all?"

"Hey, I'm serious! I want this to work."  
>"Except for the sex part, haven't you suggested all of this before?"<p>

Olivia looked indignant. "Well, yeah."

"She's afraid you are going to leave her Olivia. She's scared to believe."

Olivia turned serious. "I'm not going to leave her again. Not unless she wants rid of me. I swear."

Caroline caught sight of her sister approaching and started moving back into her own seat.

"Then prove it."

Alex gave her a meek smile as she sat back down. She suddenly found her shoes to be very interesting.

Olivia watched her for the next three floats, trying to figure out how to prove to Alex she was serious.

As she was scanning the crowd an idea struck her and she smiled. And she grabbed Alex Cabot's hand.

Surprised, Alex looked at Olivia. Before she could say anything, Olivia whispered into her ear, "Do you trust me?"

"What?"

Before she could register what was happening, Olivia Benson was about to prove to Alex just how serious she was. 


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: Many of you have been "astonished" at the rate chapters are being published. This story is old and has 26 chapters and then two alternate endings, I find it rude to begin posting a story if you aren't close to being done or to make people wait or hold a story hostage for reviews. But that's just me.**

Olivia pulled Alex up and as the other visitors in the VIP box looked at them in surprise, she called out, "Joe!"

The Ledger photog, who'd been taking people shots in the crowd whipped around at the sound of the familiar voice, just in time to see Olivia Benson holding Gov. Cabot's face in her hands. Sure of what was about to happen he readied the camera and began shooting.

Olivia smiled at Alex and rubbed Alex's cheekbone with her thumb. "I love you Alexandra Cabot." She moved in and before Alex could react, Olivia captured her lips. Alex opened her mouth and welcomed Olivia's tongue and offered her own, finally wrapping her arms around the brunette's neck.

The entire box was silent for several seconds before erupting in cheers. The rapid-fire flash of the camera had drawn other media outlets to see what was causing such a stir. Soon, Alex and Olivia were on the big screen and subsequently on TV at the same time.

When they finally broke apart, Alex had tears in her eyes. And she buried her face in Olivia's neck.

"Liv?"

Olivia glanced around and whispered, "What baby?"

Alex finally looked her in the eyes and smiled at her. "I love you too."

Joe ran up the steps and yelled at Olivia while trying to avoid the security surrounding the box.

"Liv! Liv!"

Still holding onto Alex, she turned so that she was facing him. "Didja get it?"

"Oh did I! You guys got a comment? Cause I gotta tell ya…" He glanced around and motioned to Olivia to get closer. Olivia motioned for security to let him through and leading Alex by the hand, they disappeared inside.

"What Joe?"

He glanced between them, uncomfortable with Alex's presence.

"Go ahead Joe. Alex and I aren't going to have secrets anymore."

"Ok, well, uh, there's this woman, named Toni Beal or something? Some radical lesbian activist, she claims to have been in the governor's apartment last night for uh, well, you know. And Moss is gonna run with it…unless I give him something better?" He looked hopeful.

Olivia looked at Alex who looked terrified.

"Liv…I…Liv we have to stop her! I'm not going to let her ruin this moment." She looked at Joe. "I promised CNN the exclusive whenever I found someone." Alex looked scared.

"Joe, come with me." Olivia led him over to the corner of the room and after several minutes they returned, Joe looking like the cat that ate the canary.

"What is it?"

"Alex, is it ok if we just give him some sort of generic comment and then do whatever you decide to with CNN?"

"What kind of comment?"

Olivia smiled and pulled her in for another kiss. "How about 'Both confirm it's love!'"

After he left, Alex pulled back. "What got into you?"

"My love for you. There's no denying it now Alex. This is pretty out, ya know?"

"Are you sure?"

"It's a little late now if I'm not. But for the record, I've never been more sure of anything in my life." She softly chuckled and led Alex back outside where they were greeted by claps and a few cat calls.

Caroline stood and hugged both of them. The parade was winding down and they left early anxious to get away from the crowd, knowing what would happen. Finally they were back in the town car and headed to the heliport where a helicopter was waiting to take them to Albany.

Woody looked over at his sister and her newly, publicly declared lover he smiled.

" 'Bout damn time!" He stuck his hand out and shook Olivia's.

"What do you mean?" Alex was looking perturbed.

"Olivia is so brave! Olivia cares about the victim's so much! Olivia chased down a victim and slammed him into a fence!" He clutched his heart. "Dear Diary, today Olivia smiled at me and all is right in my world!"

"Shut-up!"

Olivia laughed and then leaned in and kissed her.

XXXXXXXXXXX

At a house in Queens, an apartment in the city and an apartment above a psychologist office in midtown, several sets of eyes sat stunned at what they'd just witnessed on TV.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Governor's Mansion

Alex and her family, which now included Olivia, sat around the table laughing and eating and enjoying their time together. Olivia was surprised to find that Alex had a two year old nephew named Woodrow Alexander V, and was called Xander by his mom and dad. She noted the brief look of pain on Alex's face as the little boy climbed up in her lap and tried to feed her cranberry sauce. He succeeded only in getting the red rubbery stuff on her glasses, which caused everyone around her to laugh.

As they were waiting on desert, Caroline jumped up from the table and ran out of the room.

"What's wrong with her?" Alex was looking in the direction of her sister and then back at Jonah, who was looking very uncomfortable. "Jonah?"

"Alex…Alex you should talk to your sister. Like maybe now. I'm pretty sure she's in the bathroom."

Looking confused but heeding his advice, she went in search of her sister, Olivia's eyes following her the whole way.

"She's pregnant, isn't she?"

Jonah looked at Olivia and nodded. The brunette stood and went in the direction of Alex, unsure of how the news might affect her. She found both women hugging and caught Alex's eyes over her sister's shoulder. She saw deep sorrow and also a resigned look.

"Everything ok here?"

Both women looked at each other and nodded.

"I'm going back to have desert Alex, you take a few minutes, ok?"

Olivia pulled the blonde too her and hugged her tightly.

"You ok?"

"Yes. Just surprised."

Olivia kissed her. "I want to talk about this later, ok? In fact I want to talk about quite a lot, but it can wait."

XXXXXXXXXXX

That night, after everyone had left, Olivia and Alex lay in her bed talking.

"Alex, sweetie, do you want to have a baby, because if you do, I'm on board. I'm here."

Alex burrowed into her even more and took a long time before she answered.

"Liv…I sort of locked all of that away after I…after she was gone, and I haven't really allowed myself to think about it."

Olivia shifted. "But? Because I'm pretty sure I hear a 'but' in there."

Alex sighed and moved away from Olivia, needing space, and Olivia, sensing this, allowed her what she needed.

"After all of that…Mason asked me the same thing and reminded me that I wasn't getting any younger. That my eggs had an expiration date on them." She chuckled. "So, with his help and guidance I had some eggs harvested. I wasn't really sure I wanted children, but he gently prodded me to at least do this to preserve the possibility." She turned on her side so that once again she was facing Olivia. "So, I may be almost 44, but I have eggs that are 41!"

They shared a laugh and then Olivia was kissing Alex and the blonde rolled onto her back and tried to ease her hand down into Olivia's boy shorts.

Olivia pulled back. "No, no. I meant what I said about not having sex Alex. I want to wait."

Alex sighed in frustration. "Then you better stop kissing me!"

Olivia flopped onto her back, but was still holding Alex's hand.

"I want to go slow this time Alex. I'm not going to screw this up."

The blonde rolled toward her once and future lover.

"Are you ready to be on the cover of the Ledger tomorrow? Are you ready for your life to change in a very public way?"

Olivia cupped her face and smiled. "Yes Alexandra Cabot, I am." 


	24. Chapter 24

Two Weeks Later

Alex and Olivia were just leaving Radio City Music Hall after watching the Rockette's put on their annual Christmas show. It was only their second outing as a couple since Thanksgiving, the other one being the lighting of the Christmas tree at Rockefeller's Center. They had been very chaste at both events giving the public nothing more than a peck on the cheek and simple hand holding.

The day after thanksgiving, the Ledger had ran the photo of their kiss on the front page, effectively burying whatever story Toni Beal had conjured up. Local news stations had ran some video of them sitting in the box and additional information about Olivia. In the days that followed, she'd been followed by a few photogs and had declined requests for interviews from several outlets. With the help of Alex's press office, they had crafted a release that answered some burning questions, such as Olivia's 'true' orientation. They'd decided to play it safe and call her bisexual, but with a leaning toward the female gender. Her answer was bolstered by the running of repeated photos of her with Kurt Moss and various other men from her past.

They had also been very careful not to be caught spending the night together, as hypocritical as that was. Alex's advisers had warned her that an elected official was to never openly flaunt an out of wedlock relationship and the scrutiny would be even more for a same sex relationship. Olivia spent most nights in the city, sometimes with Alex at her old apartment, and usually on the nights when they'd been to see Dr. Olivet.

Alex would take a helicopter into the city on those days and chopper back to the capital early the next morning. Both women were laying themselves bare, working hard at becoming healthy. The sessions were intense and often painful, but ultimately worthwhile. And some things were being revealed that neither woman had known about the other.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Earlier in the day,  
>Dr. Olivet's Office<p>

"Olivia, I'm sorry, but you just don't understand how it feels! You can talk to all the rape victims you want baby, but you'll never know what it feels like and I pray to God you never do!"

Olivia was trying to keep her composure, but Alex was unknowingly pushing all the wrong buttons.

"Alex…we need to stop talking about this. Please."

"No Olivia, we don't. I'm still…I still have some anger at what you said. I mean, I know why you said it, but still Olivia. It hurt and you just don't get it."

"Yes I do."

"No Liv you don't!"

Olivia looked at her, unshed tears in her eyes. "Yes Alex, I do." She held the blonde's gaze.

The intensity with the way Olivia was looking at her, sent a cold chill down her spine and she began to slowly shake her head. She opened and then closed her mouth and started shaking her head.

"The report didn't say anything about him raping you." Alex's voice dropped to an even lower level. "Did that bastard rape you?"

Olivia began shaking her head. "No…but he might as well have."

Alex and Dr. Olivet exchanged looks, the red head seemingly confused.

"Olivia went undercover at Sealwood. A guard was raping inmates and he got to Olivia, but the report said Fin got to her before he could rape her." Another thought she didn't want to deal with popped into her mind and she shoved it down to be dealt with later. She gently touched Olivia's face. "Tell me Liv."

Looking slightly less than embarrassed, the brunette fidgeted before finally taking hold of Alex's hand.

About 4 months after it happened, I started re-living it. I could hear his Billy stick banging against the bars of the cells, I could smell him and feel him on my back and I kept seeing it…his penis. I could feel the metal from the handcuffs biting into my wrist, but mostly I felt the terror all over again." She swallowed hard and gripped Alex's hand tighter. "I was dating Kurt at the time, but all I could think about while that was going on was you. My safe place was you Alex. Even though we weren't together and I didn't have any of hope of that changing, I just kept thinking that I had to survive because of you." She managed a tiny smile that looked more like a grimace. "I saw someone for a couple of months afterwards and she helped me get beyond it."

They were at the end of their session and Alex had wanted to forgo their outing that night, but Olivia wouldn't allow it. She assured Alex they could talk about it later, but that she was looking forward to seeing her girlfriend all dolled up.

XXXXXXXXXX

After stopping for a few photo ops, they opted out of a night cap party and headed in the direction of Olivia's apartment where they would 'drop' her off, pull back into traffic and head in the direction of the Cabot family apartment. From their, Mason would ferry Alex out through the garage and head in the direction of her old apartment. Olivia would go in the front door of her apartment and then exit through the alleyway to find either a waiting Elliot or Munch, who would then drive into the garage of Alex's building and drop her off. From there she'd take the service elevator up to Alex's floor.

The blonde greeted her at the door and ushered her right into the bedroom where she found her favorite boxers and t-shirt waiting for her and she noticed Alex had put the electric blanket on the bed and turned it on, knowing the brunette liked a warm bed. When Alex returned, she found Olivia under the covers and she was carrying two mugs of warm cocoa.

"Wow, what did I do to deserve this?"

Alex handed her a mug and eased in next to her. They sat with their backs against the headboard, sipping their drinks.

"You went through Hell and let me be a total ass to you all those weeks ago. You suffered in silence and I'm taking care of you tonight." She sat her half empty mug on the bedside table and cut the lamp off. "Now, talk to me Liv. Please, because I feel like shit. This was about the time your picture was in the paper with Kurt and I'd started doing…that with Morgan. When you needed me most."

Olivia chuckled. "Baby, if you'll recall, I wasn't very nice to you and probably wouldn't have been too welcoming to you."

"And if we'd both just done things differently Olivia this might not have ever happened, but it did and now I want us to deal with it. I'm so sorry for what I did to you that day, for the anger I've felt at you and how I treated you in that session today."

Olivia was shaking her head. "Alex, I think a part of me needed to blame you for what happened with Velez so that I could assuage the last little bit of my own guilt. One of the things I dealt with was my feelings of failure. I knew better than to go down there with him. A part of me needed you to be as culpable as I felt when the truth is neither of us are to blame."

Alex slid down in the bed and pulled Olivia to her. "I'm taking care of you tonight Olivia Benson. I love you."

"And I love you." She lay her head on the blonde's shoulder. "And I wish we didn't have to go through this ritual to be together!"

"Maybe after the CNN interview next week everybody's questions will be answered and they'll just let us be!"


	25. Chapter 25

Dec. 23

To say she was nervous would have been an understatement. To say she was terrified would have been an overstatement. Either way, Olivia Benson was wishing she could time travel and be done with this entire interview. She wanted nothing more than to take Alex home and crawl into bed with her and just hold her.

They'd grown closer and more intimate in a way that had previously eluded them after Olivia's revelation about Sealwood. Both women made more of an effort to talk about what was going on with them and what they were feeling.

And the more they talked and grew closer, the less important sex became to them. Granted, each woman still wanted the other, but now it was much more controlled.

Olivia had been unsure of what to wear for an interview on CNN and she had spent far too much time with Mason trying to find something that suited her yet didn't scream "I'm a dyke!"

They'd settled on a grey pant suit with a soft pink turtleneck underneath and Alex had opted for a baby blue sweater and off white dress pants. They made quite a striking couple.

After Alex had introduced Olivia to Candy Crowley, they all sat down and went through some warm-up questions. Alex had been very specific in her ground rules for the interview; the only things she wanted communicated were that Olivia was not, as some outlets were reporting, living at the mansion, and that Olivia would escort her to all of her inaugural activities as they were very committed to each other. Her final request was that there be no mention of children.

XXXXXXXXXX

"I'm Candy Crowley coming to you live from the Governor's Mansion in Albany, New York. Joining me tonight is the recently re-elected Gov. Alexandra Cabot and her girlfriend Capt. Olivia Benson. Many of you may recall that Gov. Cabot came out during our interview last month as a lesbian."

After the on-air introductions were made, they went through some general questions and were finally steered in the direction Alex had wanted addressed.

"Capt. Benson, it has been reported that you are living here at the mansion. Is that true?"

Olivia shook her head. "No, that is not true. While Alex and I are committed to each other, we are not sharing a household." She smiled at Alex.

Alex returned the smile and added, "And contrary to the opinions of others, there is no hedonistic behavior or activity occurring here in the mansion or anywhere else."

Crowley smiled. "So you are going on the record as saying you are in a monogamous relationship?"  
>Alex was lost in Olivia and absently answered, "No, we aren't." Realizing what she had said, she tried to back peddle to no avail. "I mean…."<p>

Olivia came to her rescue. "What she means is that we are moving very slowly in our relationship." Olivia's look left no doubt what she was talking about.

Alex, some what recovered, added, "Excruciatingly slowly."

Olivia took her hand and turned so that she was facing the blonde. "I just want you to be sure." She turned back toward the camera. "I want her to be sure."

Good-naturedly Alex rolled her eyes and responded, "And this is why I love her, and how I know that I'm sure."

Olivia leaned over and placed a kiss on Alex's forehead.

As they went to commercial, Alex hurried off camera to use the restroom. Crowley leaned in so that only Olivia could hear her.

"I want to break the story when you ask her."

Olivia's face showed her shock. "How'd…."

Crowley smiled. "My intern's brother works at Harry Winston. He called to let her know you were in browsing two days ago. And it wasn't for a charm bracelet."

They were interrupted by Alex who came rushing back in just as they returned from commercial break.

"That seems a perfect segue into the inaugural festivities coming up. Will Capt. Benson be escorting you to the various events?"

Alex smiled. "Yes she will. She will also be spending Christmas here at the mansion with me and my family."

XXXXXXXXXX

After the interview, they bid Crowley goodbye and then retired to Alex's room, which had it's own Christmas tree. They'd spread blankets out on the floor and planned on sleeping there, beneath the twinkling, white lights of the tree.

After calling down to let Mason know they did not want to be disturbed the rest of the night, they snuggled under the tree.

"Thank you, for doing that."

"No problem Alex. I love you."

She began to rub Alex's stomach, arousing the blonde.

"Liv, unless you intend on going through with making love, then you need to stop." Even as she said this, she began to squirm beneath Olivia's hand.

Olivia nipped at her ear. "We could always work on some more trust building exercises baby. Like Elizabeth suggested."

Alex blushed. "Liv! I am not going to do that in front of you."

"It's ok to say the word Alex; masturbate."

Alex blushed. "Liv! I don't feel comfortable doing that. I've never done that in front of anybody before!"

In a very soothing voice, Olivia purred, "Baby, you had no problems riding certain people's tongue, naked, with me watching."

Alex blushed to the tip of her ears and buried her face in Olivia's neck.

"Don't you dare taunt me about that Olivia! I told you how ashamed I am about that."

More seriously than before Olivia stroked her face. "Why baby? Why are you ashamed?"

"Because I was so angry with you Olivia when I did that and I feel as though I used Morgan and I don't feel very good about any of it." She kissed her. "And I'm not angry with you anymore. I'm not angry about anything any more Olivia."

The brunette smiled at her and then rolled onto her back. Alex tried to snuggle back into her side, but Olivia urged her to lie on her back.

"Let's look at the tree Alex."

"I love Christmas and I love all the decorations. The sparkles and tinsel and everything!"

They lay quietly on the floor, looking at the tree from below. Alex noticed something unusual hanging from one of the lower limbs and raised her head a bit to look at it. Not quite believing what she'd seen, she sat all the way up and pulled the ornament hook off the branch.

Dangling from the hook was a 2 carat diamond engagement ring set in a platinum band. She held it up to her face and barely noticed when Olivia sat up next to her.

"Marry me Alex."

Alex began to nod. "Yes. Yes Olivia Benson, I'll marry you."

They sealed the proposal with a deep kiss. When they broke apart, Alex handed the ring to Olivia.

"Please put it on me."

As she slid the ring onto Alex's finger she chuckled.

"I need for you to call your sister. I promised her you'd call after I asked."

Alex raised an eyebrow.

"My sister knew before I did?"

Olivia nodded. "I channeled my inner butch and asked her for your hand. So to speak. And I asked her for advice on your ring."

Alex threw her arms around Olivia and kissed her again and then scurried for the phone, quickly dialing her sister's number.

They'd spent the night snuggled together under the tree talking and planning their wedding. Olivia was perfectly happy to let Alex prattle on about how she wanted things done only to discard those ideas minutes later in favor of other ideas.

After getting very little sleep, Alex was up early the next morning scurrying around, trying to finish the last of her holiday preparations. Olivia had groaned as she got up from the floor and tried to stretch her stiff muscles out. She watched with amusement as Alex fussed with putting a bow on her nephew's last gift.

"He's just going to rip it off Alex, so don't worry about it!"

"I just want it to look good." She walked over and kissed Olivia. "What time are you leaving to go see Simon?"

"Within the hour. I want to get there by noon and be back before 4. Dinner's at 6, right?"

Alex nodded. "Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?"

"Yes, I'm sure. It's overwhelming for his mom to have too many people around and his step-son gets on her nerves easily." She kissed Alex again. "Besides, we have all of New year's for him to grill you!"

"Did he know about you? Being gay?"

"He knew about me and Julia, which didn't go over too well, and he knew about me and Kurt and in a drunken stupor one night I blabbed all about you, so yeah, he knew. And your sister wasn't the only one I consulted on a ring choice."

"Ah, more details emerge." Patting the brunette on the behind she whispered, "You better get a move on. Besides, I have some things I need to finish up."

The truth was that both women had last minute gifts they need to pick up for the other. Olivia had told Alex about her conversation with Crowley and told her she would handle making the call, but wanted to know how they were going to handle telling everyone.

Alex had reluctantly taken off her ring after agreeing that they should wait until dinner that night to tell their remaining family and friends and that Alex would tell her innermost staff just before they left for the holiday.

XXXXXXXXXX

Alex was in her office looking something up on the internet when Mason took a seat beside her.

"You needed something Governor?"

She turned to him and handed him a print out. He looked at it and raised his eyebrows.

"Would you please go and find this item for me? The address to the store that carries it is at the bottom."

He nodded and started to rise.

"Mason?" When she had his attention, Alex held the chain with her engagement ring on it up.

"Alex?"

"She asked me last night and I said yes."

He bent and kissed her on the cheek. "Congratulations."

"Mason? I expect to see you at dinner tonight."

"Governor, that's for your family."

Alex gave him a full watt Cabot smile. "And you are part of my family mason." She made a show of looking busy, allowing him a moment to compose himself, since he looked overcome with emotion. "And please bring whoever it was that had your attention the night of my Toni Beal debacle."

Mason looked shocked, embarrassed and…fearful. "Alex, I don't think that's a good idea."

She stood and hugged him. "Mason, it's obviously ok if it's a man. I know you've always kept your personal life private, but I want the next 4 years to be different. I expect them to be different."

Mason looked conflicted and tense. "Alex, please, just let this be."

Alex's brow creased. "Mason? Were you…" she moved in closer to him, "were you with someone you paid?"

Now he looked indignant. "Certainly not! At what time shall we arrive?"

Alex bid him farewell, knowing he would deposit her purchase where she'd asked him to and went to make a call to Elizabeth Olivet.

XXXXXXXXX

New Jersey

Olivia hugged both her brother and his new wife.

"Thank you so much Simon. Today meant a lot." She turned to his wife Tina and pulled her into another hug. "And thank you for making my brother so happy."

She felt a tug on her sleeve and looked down at her 'nephew.'

"What Chris?"

He held his arms out and she picked him up.

"Merry Christmas Aunt 'Livia." Tina prompted him with a look and he added, "And thank you and soon-to-be Aunt 'Lex for my Xbox 360!"

She hugged him tighter. "No problem. Be good so Santa Clause stops by to see you tonight."

The 8 year old looked between his mom and new dad and rolled his eyes. "I'm not sure he exists."

Olivia suppressed a smile. "Better to be safe than sorry Chris!"

XXXXXXXXXX

Governor's Mansion  
>5:45 PM<p>

Everyone with the exception of Mason and his guest had arrived and they were standing around have cocktails and chatting. Xander was thoroughly bored and sitting by the fireplace playing with his truck.

Feeling sorry for the little boy, Olivia sat down next to him and started playing "cars" with him. He perked right up and eventually crawled into her lap where she tickled him. Across the room Alex and her sister watched them. More precisely, Alex watched Olivia and Caroline watched Alex.

"You ok Al?"

Alex turned to her and smiled. "I'm good." She motioned to her sister's midsection. "How are you two doing?"

"Good."

"She seems good with children."

"She is."  
>"Any thoughts on you two starting a family?"<p>

Alex swallowed hard. "We've talked about it. I've been working things out in therapy." Alex gave her a tight smile. "Let's move on, ok?"

Feeling two sets of eyes on her, Olivia turned in their direction and saw the tight smile Alex was giving her sister. She moved Xander off of her lap and went to join both women. She gave Alex a kiss on the lips and raised an eyebrow. Alex smiled back and gave a slight shake of her head.

They were interrupted by the appearance of Mason, who was trying to get their attention. Olivia made her way over to him and was immediately pulled into the hall.

"Mason…?"

"Olivia, I need to ask you a question before I bring my guest in. Am I safe in assuming that since you have proposed to the Governor, you have no plans of running out on her again?"

"Mason, I'm not going anywhere. Not until the day I die."

He held her gaze until he was certain she was telling the truth and then he nodded.

"Very well. Would you please bring Gov. Cabot into her office and we'll meet you in there shortly."

"Mason?"

"Please Olivia. Just trust me."

Doing as he asked, she collected her fiancé and proceeded to the governor's office. She and Alex were sharing a kiss when the clearing of Mason's throat interrupted them. They both turned to find Mason and his date standing there. His much younger date.

Surprise registered on both their faces. Alex was the first to recover and offered her hand.

"Alex Cabot and this is Olivia Benson." Olivia shook her hand.

"Pierre Angeli. It is so good to finally meet you both."

Mason looked extremely uncomfortable and had forgotten to take his date's coat.

"Mason, why don't you take her coat?"

Snapped out of his fog, Mason helped the raven haired woman out of her coat, which caused the second surprise of the evening.  
>Olivia's eyes bugged and Alex almost gasped.<p>

"You're pregnant." They said in unison.

Alex looked between Pierre and Mason and then pulled Mason in for a hug.

"Why didn't you tell me your girlfriend was pregnant? Or that you even had a girlfriend?"

He cupped her face and gave her a sad smile. "You know why." He looked down at his feet. "As for the other, she is not my girlfriend; she's my wife."

"Mason! When did you get married because I know you weren't married when I became governor? And why didn't you tell me?"

"Do you recall that day I took off 7 months ago?" She nodded. "We were married that day." He kissed her head. "She'd just turned 35 and wanted a family." He shrugged.

"Well I would have given you time off!"

They all laughed and then Pierre hugged Alex.

"I'm a professor of British Literature at the College of St. Rose. It was just before the end of spring semester; taking time off was not an option. Besides, I don't need flowers and candy; I have everything I need in Mason." She looked at him lovingly. "I was in the city for a conference right before Thanksgiving and we decided to spend the holiday there."

Mason glanced at his watch.

"It's time for dinner."

After dinner they sat on the floor in Alex's room and pushed the last of their gifts toward each other. Dinner had gone off smoothly and Alex's brother and been ecstatic for his sister and Olivia, and his wife had ohh'd and ahh'd over her ring. Xander once again crawled into Olivia's lap and patted her face. He'd even managed to call her Aunt Ovia.

They all opened their gifts to each other just after desert and finally bid the last of the Cabot clan and Mason and his wife farewell just before 9. Alex had suggested they retire to the upstairs so they could open their personal gifts to each other in private, which is how they came to be in their pj' on the floor.

Olivia picked up the medium sized box and shook it, drawing a playful slap from Alex. When she finally tore open the paper and box, she found a beige colored leather coat that came down to her mid thigh. The leather was as soft as warm butter and Alex only half jokingly suggested she wear it and nothing else to bed.

Alex carefully opened a slim looking box that was roughly the same size as the one she'd given Alex. Her face softened at its contents. Inside was a framed photo of Olivia kissing Alex at the Macy's Day parade and the front page of the Ledger with the same photo and the headline, "It's Love!"

"I'm going to hang this in my office."

"You don't have to. It's meant for us, for our private world."

Alex shook her head. "No Olivia. I want everybody to know how I feel about you and I don't care what they think!"

Olivia nodded. "Ok." She bit her lip. "I have one more for you."

"Me too."

Both women looked up at each other at the same time and then laughed.

"You go first Liv."

The brunette got up and went to her bag, pulling out a manila envelope. Sitting back down she handed it to Alex and stopped her from opening it.

"Baby, I want you to know that this gift has no expiration date nor does it have any expectations with it, ok?"

Confused, Alex opened the envelope and pulled out the documents inside. She took several minutes to read over them and then looked up at Olivia, her face unreadable. She got up and went into the room where the nursery used to be. Afraid she'd done something wrong; Olivia gave her a few minutes before following her.

"Alex?" The blonde was standing in the middle of the room, using her teeth to worry with her thumb.

"I think I'd like to paint the walls light green." She looked over her shoulder at Olivia. "If we do this, and that's a very big if and there are some very specific conditions that must be met, ok?"

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex from behind and held her, happy that the answer hadn't been a flat out no.

"Ok. Can you tell me what kind of conditions?"

Alex turned in her arms and wrapped her own arms around Olivia's neck.

"I talked to Elizabeth today. I've had a couple of sessions without you for which I'm sorry, but I really needed to do them alone, ok?" Olivia nodded. "Anyway, I have those eggs and now that it seems I finally have some sperm thanks to Simon, we can create embryos and they can be tested for genetic abnormalities before implantation. Not every illness or disease can be tested for, but some major ones can be. I won't do this again Olivia if there is any chance that I might conceive a child with special needs. I can't."

Olivia nodded. "Ok baby. We can do that." She kissed Alex. "So you don't have any issue with us using Simon's sperm?"

Alex shook her head. "Nope. It's a way I can have a little bit of you in me. And you'll have a genetic link to the child. If there is one. As long as his wife is ok with it?"

"She's fine with it. So...any idea when you might want to try this?"

"Whenever. It's not like I have to be there when egg and sperm are joined. Neither does Simon since he's already made a deposit; so to speak." She kissed Olivia. "I'm not getting emotionally attached until I know there is nothing wrong with the embryo and it has been successfully implanted in me."

Olivia held her. "Ok baby. Now, didn't you say you had another gift for me?"

Alex took a deep breath. "Yes. I uh, I need for you to go get in bed. Please."

Olivia did as she was asked and didn't have to wait too long for Alex to join her. The blonde handed her a narrow package and watched as she tore it open, revealing a home made coupon book. She raised an eyebrow at Alex who was faintly blushing.

"Alex?"

"Just uh, open it and it should be self explanatory."

Olivia did just that and smiled as she realized what Alex had given her. She flipped through the coupon book and raised her eyebrow as she got to the end of the book.

"I don't suppose I can redeem one of these tonight, can I?"

Alex straddled her lap and put her arms around Olivia's neck. She leaned in and kissed the brunette.

"I was hoping you would."

She raised her arms and pulled her shirt off, exposing perfectly round breasts to Olivia. Once again she kissed the brunette.  
>"Pull down my shorts."<p>

The brunette did as she was told and bit back a gasp as she realized Alex wasn't wearing any panties.

Alex's smile was purely evil. "Help me get my shorts off." She braced herself against Olivia's shoulders and with the brunette's help she finally got the boxers off.

Olivia swallowed hard and whispered, "Alex..."

Alex eased off of Olivia and rolled onto her back. She opened the drawer of the night stand and pulled out the velvet bag she'd gotten from Mason. She dumped the contents into her hand and held it up for Olivia to see.

"W-What are you going to do with that?" Olivia's voice cracked.

"You wanted me to get off in front of you, and I'm going to using this."

"But what is that?"

"It's a mini-egg vibe."

"But it's..wide. Does it go inside?" Olivia was looking with a sort of unease.

"Just watch."

Alex rolled onto her left side and planted her right foot with her knee bent just behind her left calf, opening her sex for Olivia to see. The brunette turned onto her side and licked her lips.

Alex held Olivia's gaze as she held the egg vibe up for the brunette to see. Smiling she pressed in on the sides, causing it to whir to life. She moved her hand between her legs and let out a little gasp as she rolled it around her lips, circling everywhere but her clit.

"Do you want to know what I'm thinking Olivia?" All the brunette could do was nod. "I'm thinking about you and your tongue and how you like to tease me by nipping all around where I want you most. How you play with my tits and suck on my nipples."

She slipped two fingers inside her pussy and slowly pulled them out. She held them up between her and Olivia and traced the brunette's lips with her essence. Olivia licked her lips, tasting Alex, and letting out a little moan. She started to reach for Alex, but the blonde shook her head.

"You wanted to wait, remember?"

She rolled onto her back and turned her head so she was still facing Olivia.

"Watch me."

She returned her hand between her legs and began rubbing the vibrating egg all over her lips. Spreading her legs wider, she parted her wet folds and finally placed the toy on her clit. She gasped. But never broke eye contact with her lover.  
>"Right now Olivia, right now your head is between my legs, your hands are on my hips, holding me while your tongue is moving inside me. And I taste good to you."<p>

Her jaw clenched and her body went rigid and then she was moaning and calling out Olivia's name. And she never broke eye contact with the brunette.

Spent, Alex lay back and smiled at her fiancé. Her body began to lose it's flush and she gave a lazy smile to Olivia.

"Beautiful."

Alex began to feel self conscious and felt Olivia's eyes on her. She started to role away from the brunette, but Olivia reached out and stopped her.

"Don't. You look beautiful." She swallowed hard. "I'm throbbing."

"Touch yourself." She reached over and touched Olivia's face. "You'll feel better, I promise."

Olivia slowly nodded and began to lower her boxers and panties. The crotch was soaked. She quickly shed her t-shirt, exposing hardened nipples. Mimicking Alex's movements, Olivia maintained eye contact as she ran her palms over her nipples and down her torso.

"What am I doing to you right now Olivia?"

"You're straddling my thighs and your pussy hair is tickling me. Your breasts are firm and your nipples are erect and you are looking at me with that look."

"What look Liv?"

"That look that says you're mine and more importantly that I'm yours. That you love me and want me and are getting ready to fuck me." Olivia's eye broke contact with Alex. "And that nobody will ever look at me this way but you."

She dipped her middle finger into her folds and offered it up to Alex. The blonde eagerly licked it and let out a contented sigh.

"Do it baby."

Olivia's fingers began to move in and out of her and before long her body went rigid and Alex's name was a harsh whisper on her lips. She struggled to catch her breath and Alex, unable to keep her hands to herself any longer, pulled the brunette's face to hers and kissed her.

"Merry Christmas Liv."

"Merry Christmas baby."

They both said 'I love you' at the same time and then giggled.

They crawled under the covers, after redressing, and snuggled together, whispering their love for each other.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Christmas Day

Both women were far more relaxed than they were the night before. Something Caroline grilled her sister about as they sat waiting for desert to be served, watching Xander, Jonah, Woody and Olivia playing with Xander's set of remote control cars.

"So...how was last night?"

Alex flashed back on her actions from the night before and cleared her throat.

"It was good. Not as good as you are probably imagining, but good." She stood and motioned for her to follow her into the governor's office. She pointed to the wall next to the door where she'd made Olivia hang the framed photo that morning.

Caroline smiled. "That's great Alex!"

Alex smiled proudly. "That's Olivia." She turned to her sister and grew somber. "That's not the only gift she gave me last night. I've agreed to consider having or trying to have a baby. Olivia asked Simon to donate his...genetic material to us, which he's done, so..." She shrugged.

Caroline wanted to encourage her sister, but didn't want to over do it, so she put her arm around Alex and gave her a squeeze.

"I think it's great that you're willing to entertain the idea. I'll support you whatever you decide, ok?"

Alex nodded and motioned for them to go back out.

They watched four children playing for a few moments before Caroline whispered, "She really is great with kids Alex."

Alex only nodded and quietly went to check on desert.

XXXXXXXXXXX

That Night

Alex crawled into bed and kissed Olivia.

"This is the best Christmas I think I've ever had Alex."

Alex sighed. "It's been good, but it could be better."

"How?"

"Sex." She laughed and kissed Olivia. "Seriously, it's been great Liv. And I think they'll only get better!"

Olivia pulled her closer. "I know baby. I just...I just want us to go slow and avoid our past mistakes. "I just wish I could stay longer."

Olivia was scheduled to return to the city the next afternoon.

"Me too. It's going to be even harder now that we are engaged." She kissed Olivia. "I want to spend every minute with you. I just...we've spent too much time apart."

"Me too Alex. By the way, I left a message for Candy letting her know I'd proposed and you said yes."

Alex snuggled into Olivia. "I know. My press office set the announcement to go out first thing in the morning, after she appears on CNN American Morning. Are you ready for this?"

"Oh yeah." She kissed the top of Alex's head. "I'm ready for whatever comes."


	26. Chapter 26

XXXXXXXXXXX

2 Days Before the Inauguration

Olivia climbed the steps to Olivet's office, looking over her shoulder as had become her custom since her relationship with Alex had become public. After their engagement was announced, they'd tried to keep a low profile with very limited success.

New Years had been fun with Simon and his family and have given Alex the opportunity to talk with Simon's wife Tina about his donation. They'd also chosen a wedding date; February 12. They had not yet released those details to anyone beyond family, and Simon's sperm and Alex's eggs had already met in a petri dish and were waiting to be tested.

They had handled being apart well, all things considered. On Tuesday Alex would be sworn in, again, as the governor of New York. A day long schedule of festivities had been planned and Olivia was going to be with her every step of the way.

However, Alex had been distant and vague with Olivia the last week and after first writing it off as a busy schedule, the fact that Elizabeth Olivet was willing to see them on a Sunday, made Olivia uneasy.

Alex had phoned to let her know she was already with Elizabeth and would be returning to Albany after the session. Olivia entered and crossed the room to kiss Alex before taking a seat next to the blonde.

"Alex, sweetie, what's going on?"

Alex took a deep breath. "Tuesday is my inauguration. It's also the anniversary of the first time Robert raped me."

"Oh God, I didn't even think of that!"

Alex shook her head. "Don't worry about that Liv, just listen to what I am about to say. I know you've been very adamant about waiting to become intimate again, but Liv, I need that. I need to replace that ugly memory with a good one."

Olivia rolled her neck. "Elizabeth? What do you think? I'm wiling to do whatever, but I don't want to associate what we do with Robert's raping Alex."

Elizabeth smiled at them. "I think you should both take a step back and relax and see where the night takes you. I don't think you should put pressure on yourself to make love or not make love. Just go in with no expectations."

XXXXXXXXXXX

After the session, Olivia cornered Alex and pulled her into a hug.

"Talk to me."

Alex swallowed around the lump in her throat. "I'm scared Liv. Can you please come with me tonight and stay until Wednesday? Please?"

"Can you give me an hour?"

Alex nodded and went to her waiting car and instructed the driver to follow Olivia.

The brunette had made calls all the way to her apartment and gotten everyone up to speed on where she would be and what she would be doing and how to get in touch with her should anything happen.

Alex had collapsed on her couch as Olivia went about taking care of everything that needed to be taken care of while she was gone. She went into her bedroom and packed up her toiletries, knowing her outfits for the various balls and such had already been sent to Albany.

She found Alex dozing on the couch and gently shook her awake.

"Sorry about that but I haven't been sleeping very well."

Olivia helped her up and out to the car. In the helicopter Olivia pulled Alex's head into her lap and stroked her hair. The blonde fell asleep almost immediately. Once they landed, Olivia shook her awake and they drove back to the mansion where Alex launched into final preparations for Tuesday and speechwriting. Olivia went in search of Mason and found him in his office.

"She's not been sleeping."

He shook his head. "I found her in the bathroom Friday night."

"I should have been here but we were wrapping up a case." Olivia shook her head. "How bad?"

Mason considered what he'd witnessed. "There have been worse times. I wanted to call you but she forbid it citing this case and the toll it seemed to be taking on you."

Olivia nodded. "Next time, call me Mason. She's going to be my wife very soon and I want to know when she's hurting. Your loyalty to her should extend to her mental well being as well. Understand?"

"Yes Olivia."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

That night in bed, Olivia brought up the incident to Alex who didn't want to discuss it, but Olivia gently, but firmly prodded her.

"I've just been having flashbacks Liv. Elizabeth started me on some anti-depressants two weeks ago and they should kick in soon. I just need to get through Tuesday and I'll be fine."

"Ok baby. What can I do?"

Alex snuggled into her. "You're here, that's all I need. It's all I've ever needed."

"I wish I could be here all the time."

Alex sniffed. "Me too."

Olivia sighed. "I'm just three months away from having my 30 in Alex and then I'm all yours."

"Can you be happy not being a cop?"

Olivia kissed the top of her head. "I can be happy being anywhere you are Alex. I've done my bit for humanity; no it's time I do my bit for you. And me."

Alex let out a deep sigh and drifted into a dreamless sleep.

The next 24 hours proved to be grueling with all of the events and preparations that had to be completed and by Tuesday morning, both women were counting the hours until it was all over.

Alex had informed Olivia that Morgan and her date were going to be sitting in a VIP box at her swearing in at the state capital. They would not be sitting in the family box, but close enough to have a good seat. She said Morgan had called and asked her if it would be ok if she attended and Alex had extended the offer. Alex also admitted she'd been afraid to tell Olivia for fear of her reaction.

Olivia informed Alex that she'd dealt with her jealousy issue where Morgan was concerned and besides, Alex was marrying her, not Morgan.

XXXXXXXXXXX

The Governor's Ball

This was their last stop before being able to return to the Governor's Mansion and just be together and Olivia was counting the minutes until they could leave. She was wearing a sleek, black satin evening dress and Alex was in a winter white ball gown.

They'd just finished their first dance, which had mortified Olivia, but Alex had guided her through it and was now dancing with one of her supporters while Olivia took a break at their table.

Mason and his wife were seated next to her and he commented on how beautiful she looked.

"She's gorgeous. I was so proud of her today and her speech."

Mason smiled. "You looked like the proud partner standing next to her, holding the Bible while she took her oath again. You two made history today."

Olivia considered his words. "I guess you're right. I never really considered how history might look at the first openly gay governor and her partner."

Mason smiled. "And it's the first time the Rainbow Ball has ever gotten so much attention. "The decorations were quite lovely."

Olivia laughed. "Of course they were; gay men did all the decorating."

They all shared a laugh and then Alex was pulling Olivia back onto the dance floor. It was a slow dance and Alex kissed her deeply, not caring who might be watching or taking photos or what anybody might say. She was in love, and that's all that mattered.

XXXXXXXXXX

Later that Night

Alex and Olivia had showered together, each mindful of what had transpired four years ago. Olivia kept a close watch on Alex, looking for any sign of distress. The only clue that Alex was working hard not to relive those events, was her tightly shut eyes.

They'd dried off and Olivia had brushed out Alex's hair and was working hard not to let her arousal get the best of her. They'd climbed into bed naked and began kissing and touching each other. Alex had tensed up as Olivia eased on top of her and she'd refused to open her eyes when Olivia repeatedly called her name, prompting Olivia to roll off of her.

Alex reached for Olivia and kissed her palm.

"I just can't baby."

"It's ok."

"I can do something for you?"

"No Alex. Together or not at all, ok?"

Alex's eyes grew wide and she smiled. "You didn't happen to bring your coupon book did you?"

Olivia shifted her eyes. "Maybe."

"Go get it!"

The brunette got out of bed and retrieved the booklet. She handed it to Alex as she slid back under the covers. The blonde knew exactly what she was looking for and tore out the coupon, handing it to the brunette.

Olivia read it and raised an eyebrow. "And just how do we do this?"

Alex opened her nightstand drawer again and pulled out not one, but two velvet pouches. She took Olivia's hand and emptied the contents of the new pouch into the brunette's hand.

Olivia's eyes widened. "What is this?"

"Your very own mini-vibe egg."

"Where'd you get it?"

"I had Mason pick up two when he got mine at Christmas."

"That's an image I don't need!"

"I can't very well go out and get them myself nor can I mail order anything!"

"Point made, but what are you suggesting?"

"Just what the coupon says; mutual masturbation." She frowned. "Unless you don't want to?"

The more she thought about it, the more turned on she became until finally she was playing with her egg.

"Let's face each other."

"Take my hand. My free hand, and kiss me."  
>The lay facing each other and kissing and touching for a very long time, whispering naughty things to each other and getting more turned on as time passed.<p>

Finally they each began rubbing the vibrating egg over their most sensitive parts, and while holding hands and looking into each other's eyes, they came.

"Damn, that thing's pretty good!"

Alex took the egg from her and dropped them both back into the nightstand drawer before snuggling into Olivia's side.

"Better than my tongue?"

"Nothing's better than your tongue, hands or you baby. Nothing."

Alex kissed Olivia. "Thank you." She threw her leg over Olivia's, bringing her center into direct contact with the brunette's thigh. "I'm kind of glad we didn't…you know. I like the idea of being a virgin on our wedding night."

Olivia laughed. "A virgin?"

Alex joined her in laughing. "This time around anyway. And in the eyes of the rest of the world."

"If I'd known that's all it took…."

They collapsed into a fit of giggles.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Meanwhile….

"Oh dear." Mason hung-up the phone and considered his next move. Beside him Pierre stirred.

"What is it Mason?"

"A…friend of the governor's and her companion were attacked as they were leaving the Rainbow Ball. All I know right now is that one of them is dead the other is in critical condition and the police think it may be a hate crime."

Pierre sat up in bed. "Oh God! Do you need to call Alex?"

Mason, who was already getting out of bed looked at the clock. It was just after 4 am.

"I'm going to the hospital first and see exactly what is going and then I'll go in to see her. She deserves a couple of more hours of sleep before having to deal with this.

The insistent knocking finally woke both Alex and Olivia, with the former getting out of bed and flinging it open to reveal a grave looking Mason.

"What?"

Mason glanced inside and was glad to see that Olivia was now sitting up in bed rubbing her eyes. He caught her eye and she knew that whatever he was about to say, it wasn't going to be good. She got out of bed and made her way to Alex.

"Last night there was an…incident outside the Rainbow Ball."

"Incident? What kind of incident?"

"Alex, Morgan and her date were leaving the ball last night when they were attacked. They were both stabbed and beaten. Morgan's date died at the scene and Morgan is at Albany Medical College in ICU. She lost a lot of blood. Her aortic artery was nicked and she's suffered massive head injuries from the beating. It doesn't look good."

Alex collapsed into Olivia's arms and the brunette had to walk her over to the bed and help her to sit down.

Alex managed to get out, "How did they know to call you and when did you find out?"

"They found her clearance papers for the VIP box in her date's handbag. My name and number was on the bottom of it. I received the call around 4 this morning."

Alex glanced at the clock and saw that it was just after 7. "Why didn't you call me immediately? She's been alone all that time?"

"Alex…" Both Mason and Olivia spoke at the same time. Olivia motioned for Mason to continue.

"I was unsure which one was dead and just how bad it might be." He tipped Alex's chin up. "And I thought you deserved a few more hours of blissful ignorance."

Alex nodded. "I have to go see her." She looked at Olivia. "Please Liv…please take me to see her."

Olivia looked at Mason. "Is that ok Mason? It won't raise any eyebrows?"

"What? Fuck raising eyebrows Olivia! This is a person we're talking about. This is Morgan!"

Olivia nodded. "I know Alex, but think of her family. Do they really need the specter of her being tied to you and all the questions that might arise?"

Alex looked at Mason. "Mason?"

"I've already started working on it Gov. Cabot. By the time you are ready to leave for the hospital, I will have prepared something."

XXXXXXXXXXXX  
>Alex and Olivia arrived at the hospital and after a few terse conversations, Alex was allowed in to see Morgan. Her mother and father were en route from Kansas and Alex had left instructions with Mason to give them whatever they wanted.<p>

The woman who looked so much like Olivia was covered in bandages and wires and leads over most of her body. Alex took a seat next to her and nodded when Olivia told her she was going to try and find some answers.

"Oh Morgan, who did this to you and why?" Alex carefully took the other woman's hand and held it. That's the way Olivia found her fifteen minutes later when she tapped her on the shoulder andf asked her to step away from Morgan for just a few minutes.

"What?"

Olivia closed her eyes and shook her head. "She lost a lot of blood Alex and she was without oxygen for a long time. There's no brain activity." Alex crumpled before her and Olivia pulled her into her arms. "They are keeping her alive until her family arrives so they can say good-bye."

Alex started shaking her head. "There must be something."

"There's not Alex." She started to say something and then stopped.

"What Olivia? What else is there?"

Olivia licked her upper lip. "They're treating it like a hate crime. One of her wounds had a miniature rainbow flag stuffed into it."

"Oh God." She started shaking her head again. "This is my fault." When Olivia started to protest, Alex shook her head. "No Olivia. It is. I brought her here and she never would have gone to that ball if it hadn't been for me."

"Alex...she is a grown woman. This is not your fault. The person or persons who stabbed her, it's their fault."

"Do you think there was more than one?"

"I don't know Alex. They both had a lot of stabs on their bodies."

Alex nodded. "I want hourly updates Olivia and I'm staying with her until her parents arrive, ok?"

"Ok Alex. I'm going to go and try to make myself useful."

Alex sat with Morgan for four more hours until her parents arrived, looking shell shocked. She left the room but set up shop at the hospital. Within an hour of Morgan's parents arriving, they had made the decision to take her off life support citing Morgan's living will which her mother had thought to bring a copy of.

Alex allowed them time to grieve before introducing herself. She'd given the canned response about having become friendly with Morgan after she'd done some work at the mansion. She left out the part about them being lovers but did ask if she could have a few moments alone to say good-bye to her.

She brushed her hair back off her forehead and smiled down at her.

"I love you Morgan Keller and I am so sorry I brought you into this world." Sure no one was watching, Alex leaned down and gave her a kiss on the lips. She swiped at a lone tear crawling down her face and left room to give Morgan's parents time to say goodbye. She waited in the hall until Olivia came for her and took her back to the Governor's Mansion.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex had slipped into UberBullDog mode upon her arrival and had issued a statement condemning the perpetrator of the crime against Morgan and her girlfriend Lisa. She also made it clear she wanted whoever had done this to be tried under the hate crime statute if it was warranted, something she felt was true, but held off stating publicly to give the police a chance to fully investigate.

Hammond had appeared at the mansion causing both women a small amount of panic.

"Why are you here?"

"Capt. Benson, the Marshall's are conducting a routine investigation to make sure this is in no way connected to Gov. Cabot beyond her familiarity with Morgan Keller. We do not believe it is, but given the sensitive nature of this case coupled with the governor's recently declared lifestyle and personal relationship with Miss Keller, it warrants being checked out."

Olivia stepped in closer to him. "Listen to me, Alex already feels responsible for this and I will not, I repeat, will not, have her thinking this way. Understand?"

Hammond nodded and asked Olivia to relay why he was there to Alex.

By that afternoon, word of the killings had spread throughout the state and nation and a candlelight vigil was held at the state capital and in Central park. Alex had made a brief appearance on the steps of the capital with Olivia where she read a statement before returning to the mansion.

XXXXXXXXXX

That night in bed, Olivia held her and stroked her back as she cried over the loss of a young, vibrant woman who had for a time replaced Olivia if not in her heart, then her bed.

"This is not your fault Alex. This rests squarely on the shoulders of whoever did this."

"I know that Olivia, but I still feel guilty. I know that Morgan made all of her choices, but if I'd never gone to that concert in Central Park…."

"Then what Alex? If it hadn't been Morgan, it would have been somebody. If Morgan hadn't met you, then maybe she would have met an untimely death elsewhere. I think we all have a date we are scheduled to die regardless of where we are."

"Maybe." Alex held Olivia a little bit tighter. "Can we just try to go to sleep now?"

XXXXXXXXXXX

1 Week Later

They had just returned from Morgan's funeral which had upset Alex to no end. Rev. Fred Phelps and his followers had shown up to protest and Alex had ordered that police barricade the area at least 100ft. in front of the church. It was as far as the law would allow and she had asked Mason to find any and every law or ordinance that would keep the hate monger at bay. As a result Phelps had been arrested for failure to secure a special permit to protest in a religious area. It was an obscure and little used law, but effective in keeping him and his bullhorn locked up until after the service.

The press had seemed to accept Alex's statement regarding her "friendship" with Morgan and Mason had made sure there was no trace of her in any of Morgan's belongings. Alex was waging an internal battle with her conscience over Morgan and as a result she had been distant from Olivia, but not to the point of shutting her out. In fact, it seemed as though she sought out Olivia, which pleased the brunette.

They were currently soaking in Alex's bathtub.

"I'm going to be ok Liv. Rationally I know it's not my fault, I just need to wrap the rest of my brain around everything."

Olivia ran her hands up and down Alex's forearms and kissed her neck.  
>"Ok. You've been really good about talking to me about this Alex. I like that. I like knowing you feel as though you can come to me."<p>

Alex pulled Olivia's wrinkled fingers to her mouth and kissed team.

"And you've been really great at making it easy to come to you." She giggled. "And you're also prune-y!"

"It's just old age. You are marrying an older woman you know."

"What's that line? Older women make beautiful lovers?"

"You know it baby, you know it."

"Let's go to bed Olivia. I just really need to be held tonight."


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N: OK, part 27 is the LAST part of EOD. The story will essentially have 3 endings. The next part can serve as an ending to the story, but there will be 2 epilogues. One will be lite (relatively speaking and in context to the series) and one will be much darker (more in keeping with the series). For those who like nice endings, you'll probably want to stop with 27.**

The investigation into the murders of Morgan and her girlfriend Lisa had yet to yield anything of significance even with Alex's interest in the case. They had managed to rule out multiple assailants after autopsies showed that all the knife wounds came from the same knife blade and the head injuries had been caused by the same pair of boots.

The only comfort Alex could take was the knowledge that both Morgan's girlfriend Lisa had died almost instantly as her carotid artery had been severed early in the attack and that Morgan more than likely slipped into unconsciousness shortly after the attack.

All evidence pointed to the fact that they had been blitzed from behind with Lisa being attacked first and Morgan was hurt trying to protect her. This caused Alex to become even more depressed as she tried to envision Morgan in her Olivia like nobility trying to protect her lover.

It was the Friday before they were to be married and Olivia had driven up to Albany ready to marry her lover. Elliot and his family were coming the next day as were Munch and Fin and Cragen. Simon and his new family and Alex's siblings and Mason and his wife made up the rest of the guest list.

She found her bride to be soaking in the bath tub and held the towel for her as she rose to get out.

"Ready for Boston?"

Alex kissed her. "Yep. How about you?"

"Oh yeah. Are you sure you want to take the helicopter? Is that ethical, using a state helicopter for personal business?"

Alex hugged her, pressing her naked, warm body against Olivia. "We are not taking a state helicopter; I chartered one, but thank you for thinking of my political future."

"I wish we didn't have to go to Boston to get married so that New York will recognize it. I wish we could just get married here and have it legal here."

Alex kissed her again. "That's up to the legislature Liv. I blocked the amendment but that doesn't mean it's legal for gays to marry, but at least thanks to my predecessor, the state has to recognize our marriage if it's legal."

"I know. Maybe one day." She watched as Alex slipped into her underwear. "Are you sure you want to spend tomorrow night here? It's not too late to go somewhere."

Alex became very quiet and walked back over to Olivia. "Liv, I've never made love here in the mansion. Sex yes, but making love, no. I've never even had sex in this room, on this bed.' She shrugged. "I don't know why, but this is important to me."

Olivia nodded. "Ok baby." She slapped Alex on the ass. "Hurry up so we can get to Boston and have that judge you know marry us."

"Just let me get dressed and then we can go."

XXXXXXXXX

They arrived back in Albany, a newly married couple and drank a glass of champagne to celebrate. Olivia kissed Alex on the cheek and started to leave.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm staying at that little bed and breakfast tonight." She kissed Alex. "I wanted to wait until we were married and technically we are, but…well, I just don't think I can trust myself to be in the same bed as you or even under the same roof and not touch you."

"Ok. Be safe." She kissed her good bye. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Olivia got in her car and headed in the direction of the B&B. After checking in, she took a long, hot shower and considered servicing herself, but opted not to when she thought about the next day.

She called Alex and they chatted for a while before disconnecting with 'I love you's'.

Sometime in the middle of the night something woke Olivia, but unable to figure out what it was and chalking it up to being in an unfamiliar place, she rolled over and went back to sleep.

She was up before her alarm went off and dressed and ready to check out before 9 am. When she went to get in her car, she realized she had a flat tire. Cursing and knowing there was no way she was going to change the tire in her wedding attire, she called mason who sent both a car for her and someone to change her tire.

They were having a wedding brunch for their guests that morning and she was anxious to see her wife.

After brunch, Alex disappeared with her now obviously pregnant sister and a soon-to-pop Pierre to indulge in pre-wedding beauty festivities.

Olivia was left to mill about with the guys and they passed the time by having a drink and reminiscing about old cases involving her and Alex.

Cragen looked at Olivia and found eyes that seemed at peace for the first time since he'd known her.

"So Olivia, Elliot tells me you're pulling the plug in about 6 weeks."  
>"Yeah, I am. I'll have my 20 in at the higher pay grade, so why not? It's time I live my life and it just so happens I get to do that with Alex."<p>

"You deserve it Olivia. You look like you're at peace with your life and everything in it."

"I am." She looked around at the men she'd shared most of her adult life with and smiled. "I love you guys and I don't think I'd be where I am today without you guys. And Alex." As she said the blonde's name, her face lit up.

"Liv, you're pussy whipped." Fin smiled as he gave her a hard time.

She laughed. "And damn proud of it."

XXXXXXXXXX

They were being married in the formal sitting room of the Governor's Mansion and Olivia stood nervously in her evening wear pant suit. The harpist played the wedding march and soon Alex was walking down the aisle on the arm of Mason who delivered her to Olivia.

The blonde had been mum on the details of her dress saying only that it was Vera Wang and what she considered 'sexy.' Olivia had to admit that the way the dress hugged her body was quite sexy and the thought that what lie beneath was hers and hers alone only added to her desire.

Olivia took both of her hands in her own.

"You look gorgeous."

"So do you."

The minister cleared her throat and raised an eyebrow at them before starting the ceremony.

After the promises, vows and rings had all been dealt with, they were pronounced married and Olivia gave Alex a soul searing kissing.

The reception was small and intimate as had the ceremony been, but there was a photog from the Ledger there snapping away. Olivia had finally told her that in exchange for burying the Toni Beal story, she'd offered exclusive photographic rights of their wedding to the tabloid.

And so it was a photograph of their first dance that appeared on the next day's edition of the Ledger. Olivia was holding Alex close and both women were so wrapped up in each other that it looked as if nothing else mattered.

As the reception began to wind down, Olivia smiled at Mason and gave him a little wink, which was the signal to start getting everything she'd asked for ready.

As the last of their guests left, Olivia took Alex by the hand and led her up the stairs to what was to become their room. Once inside the door, they began kissing and Olivia ran her hands up and down Alex's dress, caressing her thighs.

"You look too dam sexy!"

Alex smiled. "Just wait until you see what I have planned for you tonight."

Olivia kissed her and reached for her zipper. "There just might be a little something waiting for us in the bathroom."

She unzipped Alex's dress and helped her step out of it, revealing a silk camisole underneath and thigh high hose held up with a garter belt.

"Very nice."

Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck. "I'm glad you like." She kissed her wife and then took her hand, leading her over to the bed. "Make love to me."

"Bathroom first." When Alex gave her a pouty look she kissed her. "You said you wanted us to make love, to take our time and not be in a rush. Well, that's what tonight is all about. We have the rest of our lives together, so no need to rush."

She took her bride by the hand and led her into the bathroom which was bathed in candlelight. The tub was filled with lavender scented water and an ice bucket held a bottle of champagne from 2000, the year they met.

She made quick work of her own clothing, revealing her own silk undergarments and soon they were both naked and easing into the warm water. Olivia turned on the music she'd requested and poured them each a flute of champagne. Turning the music on had also been the signal to Mason that the coast was clear for him to come in and decorate the room for their wedding night.

"Liv, I have a wedding gift for you."

"Do you now?"

Alex nodded and played with Olivia's ring. "I…I made you a thing for it, but then I chickened out and didn't print it out."

"A thing? What kind of thing?"

Alex shook her head. "It's silly really. The thing I made, not my gift. I made you a…mommy certificate."

"Mommy certificate?"

Alex turned and kissed Olivia. "My…the uh, the embryos are ok. At least for what they could test for. I'm…we, have an appointment on Tuesday with the fertility doctor to do the implant procedure."

Olivia took Alex's face in both of her hands. "Alex? Are you sure?"

The blonde nodded. "I don't know if it will work Olivia, but I know I want to try and then whatever happens, happens."

Olivia nodded and pulled Alex against her for a deep kiss. "Let's go make love."

After drying each other off, Alex asked Olivia if she could have a few minutes alone in the bathroom to dress for Olivia. That was fine with the brunette as she wanted to check and make sure everything was perfect.

Opening and closing the door quickly, she was not disappointed. Mason had delivered and she hoped Alex was as taken with the result as she was. She walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed and waited on her wife.

Alex took one last look in the mirror and tried to quell her nerves. She hadn't been this nervous her very first time and she almost had to laugh at the absurdity of the thought.

Taking a deep breath she opened the door and stepped into her room and gasped.

"Olivia?"

Olivia smiled at her. "Do you like?"

Alex nodded. "When?"

"I planned it all with Mason and as soon as the music started to play in the bathroom, he hurried in and set everything up."

Alex laughed. "I wondered when you developed a taste for big band music." She closed the distance between them and kissed her wife. "The balloons are a nice touch."

"Flowers are over done, don't you think?"

"Well, this is definitely different. Candle light and Mylar balloons. I've married a true romantic."

"And now you're going to make love to a true romantic."

She pulled Alex down on the bed and they began kissing, stroking and loving one another. Their encounters in the past had been, out of necessity, quick and frantic; tonight Olivia Benson had every intention of making slow, sweet love to her wife.

She nipped at Alex's skin through the material of her teddy and spent a long time simply caressing her and whispering to her. Alex was following Olivia's lead and mimicking her actions, content with the pace they were going.

Olivia pulled back and looked at her.

"You make me so happy."

Alex kissed her. "Just looking at you makes me feel complete."

They resumed kissing and eventually Olivia slipped one of the straps of the teddy down, exposing just a hint of Alex's breast. She lowered her head and freed the rest of the nipple and began to suck on it, drawing a whimper from Alex.

Alex helped Olivia out of her satin tank top and showered Olivia's breasts with the same attention she'd been shown.

Eventually they were naked and moving against one another, needing more, but denying themselves to prolong the pleasure.

"I can't wait anymore Alex. I need you." The blonde, who was breathing hard could only nod. Olivia topped Alex and grasped the blonde's hips in her hands, but made no move downward. "Open wider baby."

"What…?" Alex opened her eyes and the confusion was evident. "Why aren't you…"  
>Olivia silenced her with a kiss. "Shhh. Just trust me, ok?" She waited for Alex to nod and then explained. "Clit to clit baby. You wanted us to take our time and this is the slowest way we can make love." She moved against Alex, coming into contact with her wife's hard little bud, causing her to moan.<p>

Alex took Olivia's face in her hands. "Oh God Liv…ride me, please." She began to move counter to Olivia and soon they had a nice rhythm going.

As her orgasm started to build, Alex clutched Olivia to her and rode out the waves of pleasure the brunette had stoked within her. Seeing how her wife reacted sent Olivia over the edge and eventually she collapsed on top of the blonde.

Alex started to cry and instead of trying to hide it from Olivia, she nudged her so she would look at her.

"Alex?"

"I'm happy Olivia and with what we just did…all the bad that's happened in this…house, it's been erased. Because of you."

Now Olivia teared up and managed to nod before rolling onto her side and pulling Alex to her. They drifted off to sleep.

By morning, they'd made love twice more and Alex awoke feeling pleasantly sore and with a mess of brown hair on her chest. She looked for the clock and seeing what time it was she nudged Olivia.

"Wake up. We need to get ready to leave."

Alex was going to return to the city with Olivia for the week. They were going to stay at Alex's old apartment where she had a security system in place. The only things they had on the calendar for the week were trips to the fertility doctor and to see Elizabeth. And lots of love making.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

6 Months Later

Olivia was just getting ready to leave the gym when her cell phone rang. She vaguely recognized the number so she answered.

"Benson."

"Olivia? It's Walt, your Super?"

"Hey Walt. What's up?"  
>"There's been a break-in at your apartment. A neighbor found your door standing wide open and called the police. Can you come and see if anything's missing?"<p>

Olivia silently swore. She was trying to get to Alex's apartment before the doctor called with their test results. Alex had been fanatical about having a CVS test done and they were supposed to get the results back today and depending on what they found they'd either leave for Albany later that night or Alex would be seeing her doctor the next morning.

"Ok. I'll be there in a few."

She dialed Alex to let her know what was going on and to see if the doctor might have called early. After getting an answer in the negative, she sped toward her old apartment that they'd decided to keep just because they could.

When she arrived the officers were just finishing up and she frowned at the black fingerprint powder covering her once white door jamb.

"Olivia Benson?" She nodded. "Officer Platt. It doesn't look like anything was taken, but only you'd know, so please, take a look."

Olivia walked around inspecting her shell of an apartment and decided that nothing seemed to be missing. Most of her personal items were now either at Alex's apartment in the city or up in Albany.

In a hurry to get to her wife, she listened to him prattle on for a few minutes before finally taking out her badge that had retired stamped across it and telling him to call Capt. Stabler if anything turned up.

Her sole focus was on getting to Alex and their unborn child. They'd had to undergo four rounds of IVF before the last one took and she knew Alex wasn't going to let herself get attached to the child until they either got the all clear or a decision had to be made. Alex had been very clear on what she would do if there was any problem with the fetus.

As they lay on the couch waiting for the phone to ring, they talked about trivial things. Just a few minutes before 4 the phone rang and Alex snatched it up signaling to Olivia that it was the doctor's office. The brunette joined her and they listened as the doctor told them that everything was normal with the baby and then she asked if they wanted to know the sex. They both nodded and the doctor let them know they were having a girl.

Alex thanked the doctor and then fell into Olivia's arms. They held each other for a long while before Alex started kissing her.

Soon they were naked and making love on the couch, Alex straddling Olivia and riding her hand. After wards, as she lay slumped against Olivia she declared.

"Gillery. Her name will be Gillery."

Olivia smiled at her. "Does this mean we can start decorating the nursery now?"

"We can buy a few things, but I want to wait two more weeks when I'm out of the first trimester to go hog wild. Ok?"

Olivia kissed her. "That's fair."

"I should call Mason and let him know. He's been terribly worried about me."

"Maybe Gillery can marry little Alex?"

Alex swatted her. "Maybe Gillery will be gay like her mothers. Or maybe little Alex will be gay like his name sake."

Olivia laughed. "And maybe little Alex and Gillery will make all of us grandparents!"

"Not a thought I need! Oh, I need to call my sister as well. Let her know the score is 2-1 in favor of girls!"

"You go make those calls and I'm going to make one or two of my own and then hop in the shower and get ready to drive back to Albany."

"We could have flown you know! It's safe up until the 7th month."

Olivia kissed her as she stood up. "Not taking any chances baby."

XXXXXXXXXX

6.5 Months later

"That's it baby, push. You can do it Alex! You can do it!"

Alex was focused on Olivia and pushing as hard as she thought possible, feeling as if she were breaking apart inside. She gave one final push and out popped a slimy, tiny little baby. Alex's next thought was to see if the baby was breathing as she hadn't heard anything. The nurse was suctioning the nose and mouth and finally a loud cry pierced the delivery room.

Olivia leaned down and kissed her. "I love you."

"And I love you. Please stay with her."

The nurse was telling Alex to push so they could deliver the placenta and so she did. She tracked every move the nurse made as they had requested that the entire placenta be preserved in case their little girl ever needed stem cells, cord blood or anything that the placenta carried. Satisfied that it was going where it needed to go, she turned her attention in the other direction where she saw Olivia holding their daughter. The brunette looked up at her and smiled, then brought the little girl over to meet her mother.

Alex looked down into blue eyes and the familiar forehead of Olivia and smiled. She was startled when the baby started rooting at her breast and she blushed ever so slightly when Olivia helped her expose her nipple so their daughter could feed herself.

"She's beautiful Alex."

"She has your forehead."

"And your lips Governor." And with that she once again kissed her wife and then their daughter's forehead. "Gillery Renee Cabot-Benson."

"I think it fits her Olivia."

"Me too."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

2 Days Later

Olivia arrived at the hospital to take her wife and child home. They6'd had a steady stream of visitors the last two days and had jokingly complained that they'd have to go back to the full staff of the Governor's Mansion to get any privacy.

Mason and Pierre had been among their first visitors as well as Caroline and her husband. Elliot and Kathy had made the drive to Albany just to see the newest member of the family.

Cragen, Munch and Fin had all either called or sent flowers with promises to drive up in the next couple of weeks for a visit.

She found mother and child sitting in the recliner chair that Olivia had called a bed the last two nights. Olivia took a minute to watch them and then pulled out her camera and snapped a couple of pictures of her 'two favorite' girls as she was now calling them.

The discharge nurse came and Olivia talked her into taking a photo of them. While they waited for her to get a wheelchair, Olivia leaned over and kissed Alex again.

"I don't think I could be happier than I am right now Alex. You have brought so much to my life and I thank you for that and our daughter."

Alex kissed her. "I feel the same way Olivia. And I couldn't have picked a better partner or mother than you. Thank you for loving me. Us."

They were engaged in a kiss when the nurse came back with the wheelchair. She cleared her throat and they broke apart.

"Let's go start this new chapter of our lives Alex."

Epilogues to follow


End file.
